My BF (35M) and I (35F) met 3 years ago and were almost instantly, madly in love. We had a great 6 months where he was all the usual things.
Lockdown relaxed more and suddenly he’d almost always be in the pub if not with me. He started a new (high stress, high risk) job and I got quickly de-prioritised as the pub was closer to him than my apartment. With my discontent growing he asked me to move in with him as a gesture of his commitment, but his pub visits quickly escalated and any free time at home was napping to go back out to the pub a second time, or just passing out. Conversations were had, justifications were made… But in August 2022, I hit catastrophic burnout due to a number of factors, and he was no where to be seen. I found him passed out on the flooring after a night of drinking and took his phone - found out he blamed me for his unhappiness and his friends were encouraging him to go after a co-worker instead.
We separated for a while. He took a number of steps to address his behaviour, reduced drinking, got a new job, sought help for his mental health etc. and we reconciled a few months later. I have been much more open about my feelings, needs, and expectations. But now once again, he doesn’t feel present in our relationship at all. I have given him as much time, space, compassion and love as I can, but I’ve become emotionally spent and it’s [finally] become clear I cannot rely on this person to support me.
I’ve initiated a number of conversations about this in the last couple of months. I’ve recommended ways we can work on our relationship, and I’ve been supportive of his intentions to try new things to reduce his reliance on alcohol (he’s not actually pursued any of these yet). I’ve also questioned whether this relationship is right for him (he insists so). But… He’s stopped his medication, he again frequently heads to the pub straight after work, and there is no intimacy or desire at all.
This week I told him I’d started to mourn our relationship (I’d explained this to him previously and that mourning usually is the point of no return). He didn’t say anything for a while, and eventually I had to prompt him to get ready for work. We haven’t spoken about it since, as he’s having an extremely miserable time at work right now, there’s a bunch of awful family stuff happening, and I don’t know how to bring it up without mentally overwhelming him.
The breakup will bring extreme financial hardship to both of us (I can afford rent alone, but barely). I’m also concerned he’ll escalate his drinking again, or that he’ll hurt himself (unintentionally through the drink). He’s been insistent through our conversations that he loves me and that I am enough. I feel like I’m trying to shield and protect him from further mental anguish even now, even while I cry myself to sleep at night when the loneliness consumes me. I’m still here coddling him while I break apart.
How do I do this? How can I find the ‘right’ time? I’m terrified and heart broken.
__
Some things to note: I’m also having an awful time at work, I do 80% of the domestic labour, and I am chronically ill. I’ve been in therapy since January to unpick my belief that the happiness of others always supercedes my own. I’m in pain and I see him in distress and don’t know how to balance “everyone deserves love and support when they are struggling” with “you have not supported me and I cannot dedicate any further time and energy on you”, because to me the latter seems transactional (again, trying to undo this!). I’m just so tired.
No matter when you do it, if he’s got substance abuse problems and mental health issues, chances are it will be bad for him, there will never be a good time, there might be a better time but chances are he won’t be feeling great after, no matter when it happens.
In the meantime you’re not feeling like you’re in a healthy relationship and you’re still thinking about him more than you are about your own good, but do you want to wait until you hit rock bottom just in case there’s a window of opportunity between now and that moment where you feel like he’s feeling good enough that it might possibly not be as bad for him?
You split once before and that’s when he got help, maybe that’s exactly what will happen if you separate again… Thing is, you tried twice, it didn’t work twice, I think you need a clean break, if you go then go and don’t look back. If you decide not to go then you need to have therapy together and separately, he needs to join AA…
It’s yours to decide if the relationship is important enough to try and salvage it again and remember, you can’t force that on him, maybe he doesn’t want it to be salvaged but he doesn’t have the courage to put an end to it because it would mean having to deal with real world stuff by himself (like domestic responsibilities) instead of having someone close that does it for him… We’re not in his head to know that, but if he’s doing everything he can to escape the relationship then clearly he’s not happy in it either, may be accept it or not (like it seems to be the case since you said he told you he loves you and that you’re enough for him).