Great fkn question fr. Deserves a good a swer so I’ll try.

OK so on the tail end of my run I was stacking benzos on tip to fight my bleak utter nothing of a life. I kept a slip knot tied in my top drawer, knowing id never use it, just to remind me how much I apparently loove suffering.

I’ve always been an extremely spiritual being. Not religious. Just whole. Or I thought I was. But the things I knew and understood, I never put them into practice. I was using.

That whole time I was training myself to deal with trauma, adversity this that the third, so but the time I got clean I had a whole entire blue print for how to live.

It was literally a light switch going on.

I remember the day quite vividly. I was in jail on mail intake, it was a coupke weeks in, i was through the worst. A little skin crawly but No seizures. Nothing. I made a cup of Ramen noodles and tuna pouch with this older gangbanger turned family man from PR who threw in some cool ranch doritos, and a homeless kid who presented himself as literally Jesus christ.

I swear I never had so much fun in my life as I did in jail.

I realized long ago that happiness is a choice. It’s just a perspective. You have to want to be happy. To cultivate that. Cause life only means what you want it to, and our brains are pliable. You can rewire your brain. Those old dead power lines will always be there, but you can run new ones.

The brain and life itself are really quite remarkable. That is my perspective now. I’m just being.