Hey! I recently started dating someone, and it is both of our first relationships. We have only been dating for 5 months. We both go to the same college in NY, and we recently decided to make a 3-day road trip in Early September.
The financial discussions for our upcoming trip have been a bit awkward, and we sorta decided that I will be footing the bill for the hotel, while he would cover gas and food. I felt like this was a bit unfair, as the cost of the hotel is probably ~3x what gas/food would cost us. I had brought this up and I noticed it was a bit of a trigger for him, and it was clear he wasn’t too keen on having the discussion. I don’t think this comes from malice, but more so that money discussions are always awkward, and this is both of our first relationships.
I had offered to split it so that he pays a quarter of the hotel charge, and he sort of reluctantly said yes, but mentioned he doesn’t have the money right now, so I didn’t really push further.
Both of us have different perspectives on money - he is a lot more frivolous than me in spending, while I’m pretty frugal. Even though we’re both in university, I have more disposable income than him (mostly because of my frugality).
I’m worried that I will resent him during and after the trip because of this, and I know I need to bring it up to him, but I don’t know how I should approach it. I do really want to go on the trip, and I realize that I may be too “cheap” and should let things go. At the same time, I’m feeling more and more resentful whenever he mentions how he spent money buying (non-essential) new clothes or books. I’ve been bottling it up for a bit since he’s going through a bit of a rough patch, but the date of the trip is approaching and I can’t keep my mind off things.
To clarify, my questions are:
-
How do I bring it up to him? I’m worried if it feels like too much like an ultimatum, we’d have to cancel the trip.
-
Should I just “suck it up”? I know in relationships things aren’t always equal. I would like to think if the roles were reversed he would do the same, but I’m not sure if he would.
I can not emphasize how much I like him. My post may have made this sound like a toxic relationship but it is anything but. It’s just one small part of an otherwise amazing relationship.
You have to first decide which you want more, the trip as you’ve defined it so far, or equal shares of the cost. From his money reluctance it sounds like he is unable or unwilling to shoulder half of the costs of what you have defined for the trip size right now. There are 3 possible outcomes:
"Hey BF, I’m concerned I haven’t really communicated well with you for the planning and paying for this trip. This is the first time for both of us, and after how it unfolded, I realize where we could have communicated to each other differently to make sure we’re both comfortable with this. As it stands, if we total up all the money that needs to be spent for both of us for this trip, I’m paying way more than half. This makes me uncomfortable, and it took me this long to be able to put in into words. I want us to be equals in the this relationship and just like I wouldn’t ask you to be uncomfortable spending more than you want to on me, I feel the same from my side. …
… We had some discussion about making the our two shares closer to equal with me still paying more, and I felt from you that you’re concerned about even taking on that much. I can think of a couple paths forward. If we want to keep the trip the same size it is right now, we can each pay half, which would which would mean we both pay $X. Alternatively, I don’t want you to be uncomfortable with the spending level either, so maybe we should re-examine the trip and scale it back a bit so that equal shares from both of us give us a trip we can both afford together. Does what I’m asking make sense for my concerns? Can you tell me about your concerns for the costs and we might even be able to find a third or fourth option where we’re both happy with the end result?"
Thank you so much for your reply!
I think the size of the trip is small enough that if we want to reduce costs we might just not end up going and doing something more local (which honestly, I don’t mind either). The trip size/hotel choice was also mostly his idea, not mine. I didn’t mention this in my original post, but I think this adds to my feelings towards this trip (i.e. “why am I paying more if this was your idea?” even though that’s an awful way to put it)
Thank you for your sample message, sometimes I feel like I’m emotionally incompetent and don’t know how to frame the simples of things lol.
This is perfect! Suggest this instead.
“BF, you communicated to me that half of the [big trip] would put a strain on your finances. I appreciate you sharing that concern with me, and I respect you managing your finances to not overspend. Honestly, I think about the costs too for myself. It feels like we’re both feeling over-extended with the costs of [big trip]. How about instead we do [local thing] instead? The total cost is only X, which means a half we each pay is only Y. That means we don’t have to over-extend and we’re both comfortable with what we have to pay. What do you think?”
If he continues to push for [big trip] without willing to pay half, then its a red flag, but it allows you to have the conversation about why he feels you should be paying more when you’re both getting equal amounts of trip out of it. This will be a very important conversation. He will be explaining why he believes your money is less important to him than his money is to him. I hope I’m wrong here.
Yeah this is concerning. Its not an awful way to think about it from your perspective. Its honest with yourself about how you feel. Don’t lie to yourself for someone else’s benefit. In the end you’re hurting yourself.
He came up with this idea, found the hotel that he’s not willing to pay his half for, and then grumbles when you ask for equality? Red flags, I’m afraid. Don’t lose heart entirely. When we’re young lots of us are making mistakes. He too may have a chance to learn and grow from this. Honest and open communication between you two will give him that opportunity. It will be on him to use the opportunity, however. If he chooses to belittle you or treat you less than an equal, know that you deserve better.
You are NOT incompetent! You are inexperience. We all start that way. There’s no textbook that teaches us how to do these things. Those that give you good answers when you ask can show you the emotional scars they earned from learning the hard way. You’ll have your share of emotional scars too. That’s just life. Don’t despair! Simply try and be the best version of yourself everyday. The race is never with others, just with yesterday’s version of ourselves.
His planning a trip that he expects you to pay for is probably the tip of the iceberg, OP. Your perfect boyfriend is probably only lovebombing you. This is how financial abuse starts.
If you do give in, watch for the next level. If I’m wrong, he won’t do this again. If I’m right, he will up the ante until he sees how much you are willing to put up with.