CW: fictional revenge violence and homicide, real bullying and violence

I’ve been keeping a cognitive journal for about two years, which has been great. Immensely helpful, but how and why, is another story. Today, I would like to share, that I have decided to try to write down the names of those that have hurt me during my childhood and whose aggressions and violations have left permanent scars on my psyche.

Not during their very acts of aggression, not during the aftermath, not ever have I allowed myself to talk back to them or to be angry with them. I have only ever given up, letting them physically and verbally abuse me in the hopes that they get tired of doing it, or I have run away. No more.

Pathetic, maybe, but I’m going to try this. I have established and written down two categories: “kill” and “hurt”. In the kill category, I am going to write down the names of those whom I want to - or would have wanted to (can somebody please untangle the time aspect of this, psychologically?) - kill. In the hurt category, I am going to write down the names of those that I merely want to suffer. I am going to be descriptive, verbose and follow my feelings all the way.

At least until it makes me sick, or the likes, because I’m a kind, naive, weak person who couldn’t hurt a f*cking fly under normal circumstances.

Has anybody here done anything similar? Share your thoughts if you feel like it! 💝

  • s38b35M5English
    6·
    22 days ago

    When my ex wife burned the family and marriage to the ground, I was wrecked. About a year later, I started writing a story about solving the mystery of her “perfect crime” murder. Plot twist: the detective (me) did it!

    I realized I was reliving the pain over and over again during the process. After a while, I gave up and moved on from that. Now I could go back to it as a funny project.

    I have had a very hard time living by some of the wise nuggets I’ve learned, but some of the truest happiness and peace has derived from letting go and – as half-assed as it was at first – forgiving my ex.

    Now I try my best to live in the present. The last past and the future are untouchable to me. Only the now matters, and in the now, those who have hurt me don’t matter to me. Only the healing and moving on.

    Whatever you decide – whether it’s to try to find closure in mock confrontations or never thinking of them again – I hope you find the best path for you to a lasting peace. ❤️

    Edit: typo

    • printf("%s", name);@piefed.blahaj.zoneOPEnglish
      3·
      25 days ago

      Thank you for sharing! What an inspiring story! 🩷 I know how anger and hate can be detrimental to a person, so I won’t easily give in to any of that. 💪

      Also, did you have a Watson, or were you working the case alone? 😃

      • s38b35M5English
        2·
        22 days ago

        I wasn’t a commissioned officer. It was a civilian investigation, but not “Memento” style. Main character knew he did it. I really didn’t think the plot through very far. I just started writing with an opening scene about dumping her overboard, and an accomplice assuring me (shakes head) that she deserved it.

        I’m pretty sure I would have had to change the plot to a man on the run, but the beginning would be about the “perfect crime” (which we know doesn’t exist) and then it catching up to him. Again, not very well outlined. I just needed an outlet for my feelings of betrayal.