I’m beginning to accept that I may never be in a relationship again. There are life expectations I have for myself, some admittedly selfish, but really, the idea of having to deal with another grownup who is as obstinate as I am has left me disillusioned about relationships. But I want to have kids. I want to be a father. For women, its fairy easy, go to a sperm bank, pick your choice, get the procedure done and you are on your way. What is the process for dudes? I believe its going to involve a surrogate, but where does one get a donor egg and what not? I am not looking to have a relationship with an egg donor or the surrogate, just me and the kids.
Example conversation
Me to my niece: I like the little bow on your hair.
My niece: Thanks uncle N. I want a pink one for my birthday. Don’t forget.
Me to my ex: I like the little bow on your hair.
My ex: What are you trying to say? I’m a slut? Fuck you. Who do you think you are talking to?
No, I am not kidding. She had a complicated relationship with herself, alcohol, her employer and her landlord. The previous one cheated and got pregnant, other one enabled my terrible habits and left me after I went sober and clean. I’m not expecting the exact same response but getting insulted for complimenting someone is a pain. Maybe its my choice of people, maybe its something I do or say, but I know what is working for me, hence how we got here.
First of all: when it comes to relationships:
not all women.
not all men.
not all people.
Second of all: if you think that was bad you havent seen how teenagers get with their parents yet. and that little girl still goes home and have tantrums you dont have to deal with regardless of how cute the bow is.
So you might benefit from some therapy around relationships before embarking on fatherhood. Especially if you have had limited experience with some difficult people and think raising a teenager is going to be any easier or nicer. And you’re going to wish you had another adult to tag team just to have a time out from with a kid at any age. cuz you cant divorce that kid just cuz they are having a ‘difficult phase’.
From what I’ve experienced, I’d say being with the kids has been far more easier. I don’t have limited experience with difficult people, I have a crap load of experience dealing with difficult people. I’ve lived that life, and I am not going back. Yes, I get that kids would not be a “divorce” away, and I am ok with that. I was a kid too, and maybe I’ve been an asshole, but I have never woken up intending to hurt or trick someone. Neither do these kids so far, outside of trying to get candy and going for movie nights.
OH HAHAHA HAHA …you… you think its easier??
you dont think a teenager wont just say shit to hurt your feelings?
you havent experienced a teenage girl threaten that she will crawl out the bedroom window at 2am, get pregnant and make you raise the child . for what reason you might ask? for no other reason other than her being born and having a bad period/you bought the wrong cereal. and shes 11. threatening to get raped on the street.
and thats after you gave her everything, education, sex ed, food, been there for them.
this is true stories bro. this is true parenthood.
you cannot say i didnt warn you.
think: this person can hurt you the deepest and you are 100% responsible for everything they do. up to and including killing a person after they stole a scooter on your credit card. that is 100% on you.
another adult pulling this shit you can easily extract yourself. you arent lawfully responsible.
teenagers: nope. not as easy. you remain lawfully responsible for everything they do.
Not all people are your crazy ex. The kid will say way worse than that to you they can be fucken mean when they’re pissed off at you.
I get where kids come from. I’ve been raising 3 for the last couple of years. I also get where grownups come from. Its the intent. Kids say hurtful things and lash out, I’ve dealt with that. Grownups should know better than shit on a compliment, or suck someone down with their crap, or be unfaithful. Past the age of majority, yeah, you should own and carry your bag. Excuses should be out of the window. Oh, and if you read my previous post, those were 3 exes, not 1.
People are being weird to you, but I just wanna say that raising a child and co-living with a life partner are completely different things and skill sets.
There’s no rule book that says you need to have a partner to have a child or raise them well. Ignore anyone who says this. If you just got out of a toxic relationship, it’s completely normal and healthy not to want to jump back in the dating pool. I got out of an abusive relationship a few years ago, and I have 0 plans to remarry or even open a dating app.
The average relationship takes a huge amount of work, often fails, and the average divorce time is 10 years. If you don’t want to deal with another adult for a while, there’s zero shame. You’re not doing it wrong, you’re not missing anything vital. You probably already know all this but I’m just giving reassurance.
Kids are much simpler than adults, but harder work. You can get into a routine and life kind of goes on autopilot, and you solve problems as they come up. It’s hard work but it’s typically uncomplicated work, without the emotional manipulation.
Only one warning I will say: make sure you’re in a good headspace going into it. The last thing you want is for any unresolved damage from the relationship to come out as an emotional reaction to something your child does. Then it turns into generational trauma.
Good luck
✧*。ヾ(^.^)ノIt seems a lot of what is going on in this thread needs to have some therapy and possibly medication.
It’s important to get that help when you needed it.
Sounds like the OP is getting to the right space , but could benefit from some guidance on how to deal with being treated so poorly.
Its weird, because yes, my headspace has been forced to improve. I have grown up in ways I can’t explain. Having them forced me to reevaluate myself, cleaned up my diet, stopped drinking, lost about 55 pounds, started working steadily, dealt and is still confronting my legal stuff that I run away from for long, just major improvements, and I became a better version of myself. I’m not doing this because of emotional attachment, but because the better version of me wants to be a dad. Its as simple as that. A lot of people here have judged me in ways I can’t even begin to explain, but it is the internet so, no surprises there. Nonetheless, this is the next step in my life I am excited to embrace. If I am going to put effort in any form of a familial relationship, then kids all the way, raise them, educate them, hopefully be a better role model than I got, and be a better man.
Thanks for the best wishes.
Wait until your 11yo gives you the same response 🤣
I’m raising a 13 yr old girl, a 12 yr old boy and a 9 yr old boy. I’ve been with them on/off since all of them were in diapers, and I’ve been full contact with them going 4 years now. We are doing good.
Yes you have repeated that so many times now.