Hi
I’m struggling for years already, being unable to hold a job or function in daily life without job.
It seems like I’m constantly in shutdown, and I can’t even communicate my stress and desperation to a therapist because when I’m stressed, I stop expressing anything.
I also seem to forget anything that’s even slightly emotionally charged. So even when I can express my emotion, 10 minutes after that conversation I have no clue anymore what I talked about.
Underlying all this seems to be some kind of fear of feeling my emotions. Anytime I feel something, I quickly notice that the feeling/thoughts disappear and I just feel numb and a headache or stomachache.
Even when I’m by myself, I can’t seem to express any feelings, as If i’m trying to hide for myself.
And it seems like nobody knows how to deal with this. I’ve been to a few therapists and it all ends up the same. At the beginning i’m hopeful, but then after a few sessions I realise i’m getting more and more into a shutdown and express myself less and less until I eventually stop going.
Just searching for therapy seems pointless, because I don’t have money left and nobody seems to understand my difficulties.
Get it back on track. Set a goal to write about three feelings a day. Keep it in your mind throughout the day, and when you feel something, just remember that you’ll need that for your journal later. Take a moment to think about how you feel and what made you feel that way. No worries if you don’t hit the goal, it’s a skill you have to practice. Try again tomorrow!
I’ll try, thanks for the suggestion. At the moment it feels quite impossible for me to remember something later when I’m writing if I don’t write it down immediately. But I’ll still try.