But also I suspect we fundementally disagree, I’ve suffered the abuse of individuals and organizations and frankly I doubt I’ll ever be not mildly murderous.
I’m a black man on the edge of 50 in the US who spent 5 years in prison for being in the wrong place and the wrong time with the wrong skin tone.
Laying there just wanting to sleep reality away and unable to rest because of the endless sounds of people screaming and banging things against walls and bars I hated everyone and everything so much.
Then I realized it didn’t effect anyone but me. It wasn’t getting justice for myself. It wasn’t shutting everyone else up so I could sleep. It was just festering inside and poisoning me. I was laying there steeped it hate and anger and shit because that’s how I was choosing to exist, and I was the only one suffering because of it.
It took months to be able to honestly let it go, but it’s the best thing I ever did for myself. You’re self-aware. You’re in control of your own mind and feelings. You decide how you look at things and what you let fester inside of you and poison you. Happiness isn’t some blessing from the sky, it’s a choice. It’s not always an easy one, and it can take a lot of work to achieve, but it’s probably the most important choice a person can make.
As you said I’m self aware, and I’m aware that I’m a sadistic Autist with CPTSD due to basically every type of assault from my father and the additional damages done to me by fucking CPS. We all have our demons and mine are hungry for the blood of bastards, abusers, and the powerful which is funny enough the reformed version, it was a hell of a lot worse and less focused in my childhood and teen years.
Frankly if you made peace with your demons good for you. Mine though are rather comforting since they blind me to my lack of control and grant solace from the fucking memories.
I grew up when having your father beat the shit out of you was considered normal. I had it constantly until I had such anxiety I’d get tunnel vision at the thought someone might be unhappy with me.
You don’t sound like a person dealing with trauma in any sort of healthy way. I hope you’re getting actual ongoing psychiatric help and aren’t just self diagnosing.
I did when I was younger and when I said all types of abuse that includes sexual, I could deal with the beatings my maternal grandmothers family all but revals in it the rape though not so much. As for ongoing help, fuck no. I hit a wall over a decade ago, now I just fantasies about crucifying random assholes with power even the dead ones. Frankly I’ve had multiple psychs look at my records and talk to me only to be surprised at how functional I am, according to them the only obvious signs are down to my twitchyness and control issues.
Your brain is damaged from extensive childhood trauma (like so many others including me).
Medications. They are awful, it’s true. You’ll probably have to go through a few different kinds, but when it works you’ll know immediately. It’s like flipping a light switch.
Like all meds, there are good and bad side effects, nothing in life is free. But, I can tell you, from one very damaged individual to another, they can provide you some relief for a time. That’s really the very best you can hope for. If you ever want a break from the horror, try it, friend.
I get refusing to take them though, 100%. But every one has their limitations.
It’s a scar like any other sometimes it itches and sometimes it burns but most of the time it’s just a bit of tightness of flesh. Meds don’t work since they either interact badly with the autism, the trauma, or my inate drug resistance, there was one drug I was prescribed as a kid which just didn’t work and the dosage that wouldve been required would’ve resulted in an OD.
I’ve made a sort of peace if my hatred starts to burn hot enough I disconnect put on some Credence and ride my motorcycle. Used to be my truck but gas is expensive so now it’s a motorcycle.
I’m a black man on the edge of 50 in the US who spent 5 years in prison for being in the wrong place and the wrong time with the wrong skin tone.
Laying there just wanting to sleep reality away and unable to rest because of the endless sounds of people screaming and banging things against walls and bars I hated everyone and everything so much.
Then I realized it didn’t effect anyone but me. It wasn’t getting justice for myself. It wasn’t shutting everyone else up so I could sleep. It was just festering inside and poisoning me. I was laying there steeped it hate and anger and shit because that’s how I was choosing to exist, and I was the only one suffering because of it.
It took months to be able to honestly let it go, but it’s the best thing I ever did for myself. You’re self-aware. You’re in control of your own mind and feelings. You decide how you look at things and what you let fester inside of you and poison you. Happiness isn’t some blessing from the sky, it’s a choice. It’s not always an easy one, and it can take a lot of work to achieve, but it’s probably the most important choice a person can make.
As you said I’m self aware, and I’m aware that I’m a sadistic Autist with CPTSD due to basically every type of assault from my father and the additional damages done to me by fucking CPS. We all have our demons and mine are hungry for the blood of bastards, abusers, and the powerful which is funny enough the reformed version, it was a hell of a lot worse and less focused in my childhood and teen years.
Frankly if you made peace with your demons good for you. Mine though are rather comforting since they blind me to my lack of control and grant solace from the fucking memories.
I grew up when having your father beat the shit out of you was considered normal. I had it constantly until I had such anxiety I’d get tunnel vision at the thought someone might be unhappy with me.
You don’t sound like a person dealing with trauma in any sort of healthy way. I hope you’re getting actual ongoing psychiatric help and aren’t just self diagnosing.
I did when I was younger and when I said all types of abuse that includes sexual, I could deal with the beatings my maternal grandmothers family all but revals in it the rape though not so much. As for ongoing help, fuck no. I hit a wall over a decade ago, now I just fantasies about crucifying random assholes with power even the dead ones. Frankly I’ve had multiple psychs look at my records and talk to me only to be surprised at how functional I am, according to them the only obvious signs are down to my twitchyness and control issues.
Your brain is damaged from extensive childhood trauma (like so many others including me).
Medications. They are awful, it’s true. You’ll probably have to go through a few different kinds, but when it works you’ll know immediately. It’s like flipping a light switch.
Like all meds, there are good and bad side effects, nothing in life is free. But, I can tell you, from one very damaged individual to another, they can provide you some relief for a time. That’s really the very best you can hope for. If you ever want a break from the horror, try it, friend.
I get refusing to take them though, 100%. But every one has their limitations.
It’s a scar like any other sometimes it itches and sometimes it burns but most of the time it’s just a bit of tightness of flesh. Meds don’t work since they either interact badly with the autism, the trauma, or my inate drug resistance, there was one drug I was prescribed as a kid which just didn’t work and the dosage that wouldve been required would’ve resulted in an OD.
I’ve made a sort of peace if my hatred starts to burn hot enough I disconnect put on some Credence and ride my motorcycle. Used to be my truck but gas is expensive so now it’s a motorcycle.