I’m a 45 y/o man; I haven’t been diagnosed with autism, but my son has, and we’re both too similar for me not to be on the spectrum. I’ve been diagnosed with ADHD close to ten years ago, though (again, like father like son). I was reheating something in the air fryer, and wasn’t paying attention enough to what I was doing, so my food fell on the floor. I (almost) completely lost it, total meltdown. Angry at myself, angry because I wasted food, and angry because I made a mess that I’d have to clean up. I somehow managed to keep myself from screaming and swearing, and just kinda clenched my whole body to redirect the explosion inside myself. Then I sat down on the floor a couple of minutes, almost in tears because of the intensity of the anger I felt and had to redirect somehow. Came close to crying, as stupid as it sounds. I’m a bit better, now, but I can’t help but feel embarrassed. I mean, I’m 45 for crying out loud, why can’t I control myself over something so trivial as this? Yeah, it’s frustrating, but it’s not the end of the world… I guess I never had the opportunity to develop heathy ways to cope with strong emotions; it’s only been a year or two since I figured I was most probably autistic, so I never really learned how to deal with this. What I find the most frustrating is that I’m usually not an over-reactive person; I’m usually pretty calm even in stressful situations, but sometimes, I just snap. I’ve always hated spilling food, and always over-reacted when it happened, I can’t help it. It gets to my head instantly and the emotion just gets the better of me. I hate it. Being autistic has been a bit like a boon, in certain ways, for many reasons I won’t get into, but it’s also been such a liability in some circumstances… I don’t want to get too deep into how I am, that’s not really the point of my post. I just needed to vent to people who might have lived similar things, I guess. My gf has been so supportive and comprehensive towards me (and my son), but she lacks the neuroflavour to totally understand. But really, she’s been so, so patient with me, and we’ve always worked together to try and bridge the gap between the way we interpret life, even before my self-diagnosis/revelation. Anyways, I guess that’s all I needed to say. Cheers.
You’re right, but we have to; we can’t let ourselves get disorganised every time something bad happens to us. It’s far too easy to just roll with it and say we can’t help it, but we need to be better than this. I know it’s hard to find the right balance between acknowledging our shortcomings and beating ourselves up over them, though.
I can only speak about myself but I ended up exactly where multiple therapists told me I would so I don’t think it’s that uncommon:
I goofed up my nervous system real bad but pushing through for 40+ years and just trying to work harder and longer to make up for my limitations. I’ve been off work since May and am just starting the process of returning and figuring out accommodations (which sure feels like it’s going to send me right back off work 😅).
I used this analogy right before I went off work: I ran a marathon once. I was absolutely determined to finish. (I did training programs, and had done several half marathons over a few years so I didn’t just show up off the street lol). Turns out I had injured my foot quite badly during the race and just tuned it out. It wasn’t a conscious choice. I’m still dealing with the impact of the injury 8 years later!
I have a very hard time with interoception which allows me to just push through stuff, but it has caught up to me. I don’t think acknowledging barriers and limitations (prefer not to use shortcomings, personally!) is bad, because it allows us to work around them.
The accommodations I’m asking for are reasonable, general good business practice, and are even already built into our contracts with external parties, like meeting agendas distributed before meetings and minutes provided after. I shouldn’t have to grind my nervous system into a pulp because I need minutes to refer to what decisions were made and when, furiously making my own notes while still being expected to participate and make decisions during these meetings, then spend time afterwards trying to tidy them up so they are useful later, all while my nervous system is screaming.
Yeah, it sucks to have to admit I’m not super human. But what I was doing before isn’t sustainable.
You’re right, the word ‘limitation’ sounds better than ‘shortcomings’; it’s the difference between ‘struggling with’ and ‘not being able to’, which is more in line with what’s really happening. Makes it easier to work around it and prevents us from beating ourselves up constantly and thinking we’re always failing when all we need is more time (and sometimes effort) than neurotypical people.
I found myself getting I to spirals of “that needs to be done e but it’s too small” the. It grows and suddenly it’s a whole thing and I don’t want to start it if I can’t finish it.
It’s almost never as bad as I think it’ll be… and while I do t get a dopamine hit from it like some do, I get a weight lifted which makes it easier to think. (Just thinking aloud, mostly, sorry)
That alright, sometimes all we need is to externalize what we think or feel inside, and I think it can be easier here, with people we share similar experiences with, even if we’re all strangers to one another. If anything, I think it’s even easier specifically because of this.