I’m sorry. I’m just weak I guess.

Very tired right now. I’m sorry if this is written very chaotically. I’ll also be speaking relative to US politics here.

I am from a very, very red part of the US. Ever seen pictures of small towns with gas stations covered in comical amounts of Trump flags? That’s literally where I’m at. I honestly wouldn’t mind living in a small town if not for all of that.

My family is like that. My coworkers are like that. I lose any contact either family and possibly lose my Job if I transition or come out. My step brother had an interest in turning Catholic, and this was enough to make my mom tear up. I can’t imagine what coming out to them would be like.

I also help my parents out with my mentally handicapped brother and I fear this will further complicate things.

I know people have come out to some very hateful people. But I cannot stress enough how much I would become an absolute pariah if I did. How much hate would be aimed in my direction. Maybe the capability really is in me, and I’m just a coward.

But even if I did: I’m making what is minimum wage in some states. Not sure how much of my transition I could afford.

And what if my dysphoria is worse after the fact. What if all I’ll ever see in a man in a dress?

I’ve always envied the bodies and mannerisms of women. I present as a woman online. I practice a feminine voice in the car. I take on feminine posture behind locked doors. I browse Amazon for cute clothes but never buy them. All in all I’m just playing pretend.

I can’t do this.

  • captainlezbianEnglish
    2·
    6 days ago

    Only you can decide what’s right for you. I lost a parent and eventually had to leave my home state because I transitioned and personally I feel it was the best decision I ever made, I wouldn’t be alive today had I not. I certainly spent time thinking I wasn’t strong enough. But ultimately that’s me, you have to make your own choices.

    I’ll also say that some of our foremothers had it closer to you than to me. There was an era where you were expected to move away to a different city or state to transition and build a new life there. These days there are even resources to help do that and community to help with it can be found online.

    The choices you make will determine the life you live. I’ve found it valuable to strive to minimize my regrets, especially for things I didn’t do. It seems to have worked well for my happiness. Do what you think will make you happiest with the hand you were dealt. There’s nobody you need to answer to for such choices but yourself.

    Best of luck no matter what choices you make sister