WARNING: extensive discussion on self-harm, and suicide

This isn’t actually a “vent” post, but I will be expressing a lot about a negative experience, and I want to make it as clear as possible that this will not be a comfortable post to engage with for many of you. Please do not read further if you are triggered by topics such as self harm and suicide; or even loneliness.

Recently, a trans woman I know chose to take her own life. I do not know more about the specific details of how or why, but I do know that she struggled with financial security, family acceptance, and establishing romantic relationships within the past year; along with, y’know, enduring the general cultural climate. She was younger than me, and we were not especially close friends, and I had been putting off getting in touch with her for several months before this news. I have been processing my own transition while managing my work, and while I know I have been overwhelmed, I feel a deep guilt for knowing that I was not too overwhelmed to have ever been capable of making contact.

My choice to wait was also due in large part to my own anxiety over making/maintaining friend relationships (some of you may have seen my recent post regarding neurodiversity and friendship), and I knew that this woman was somewhat vulnerable emotionally. I didn’t want to start something I wouldn’t have the energy or attention to maintain, so I thought that it would be a better – and more responsible – decision to wait until a moment of stability before I tried to take any of that on. Now though, I can’t help but resent the thought that such a moment would ever actually exist to my own satisfaction, or that I didn’t have the responsibility to do it just because I wasn’t in a state where I could to the best of my ability. I know how little a text would have taken, and as a person who has experienced extreme loneliness in my life, I know that much could have made a difference; even if just by making her feel a little more loved before making the same choice anyway.

This woman is gone forever, lost to an unknowable pain, and I have gained yet another traumatic experience of friendship with a lesson that could have been accepted without such an unacceptably high cost. I know this story is all too familiar within the trans community, and I’d urge any of you to not blame yourself if you’ve experienced something similar, as I’m sure many of you are about to do for me. I know this isn’t my fault as if I did it personally, but I also know that I’m in a better position to do the support work than most other trans women are, and I can’t deny that I could have fulfilled that responsibility and failed without this kind of regret.

With Halloween this past weekend, all I could think about was how much she’d have enjoyed dressing up, what would have happened if I planned something earlier this month for her to look forward to, if even just asking would have been enough for her to wait until another night; how much could have changed by next month. I’m not saying that I or any of us are required to overcome our anxieties and overexert ourselves out of some altruistic saviourship, but rather that it is easy to forget the gravity of our actions when, indeed, all of us struggle to manage with what little power we have in this society.

I guess that did end up being a vent, but I did intend for this to open up a discussion for people to connect over similar experiences, or to offer advice from those experiences. I have honestly been struggling with this more than I thought I would – I’ve lost a lot of people – but I haven’t been able to focus since it happened, I’ve almost broken down crying in work settings every day, so I’d appreciate it to hear how others found a way to move on with it.