hey y’all,
I don’t get how I’m supposed to call a friend or a health line during a suicidal episode - I don’t want anyone to talk me out of it, so why would I call them? I know I’m supposed to, but it is completely ridiculous at the time.
Background - I have post-natal depression as a man, so I live with my partner and our baby but I feel pretty much separated from her (though we are working on it). I don’t trust my family or my friends, even the ones that have reached out to me with their own mental health stuff. I can talk about mental health stuff sometimes, but I can’t seem to reach out during an episode - it feels embarrassing and pointless. The only thing that really helps and keeps me going is the sense of responsibility I have towards myself that I’ve promised to parent myself and take care of myself. So I do mirror talk every day, but often don’t think of doing this during an episode.
You don’t sound like you’re in imminent danger, but if you get there then make the fucking call. Remember that you have a kid now, so there’s no skipping out. I’m not saying that to make you feel more depressed. It’s to remind you that even if you don’t want to be talked out of it, there’s someone else who needs you to be talked out of it.
A lot of people find talk therapy pointless, but you may benefit from Cognitive Behavioral therapy or something similar to train you away from harmful thought cycles. It’s less about talking endlessly about your problems and more about redirecting yourself when you start going toasterbath.
Finally, the shit no one wants to hear, much less do. Exercise. 10 minutes of running is shown to work as well as antidepressants. 30 minutes of cardio changes brain chemistry. I don’t believe in toxins in the New Agey sense but working your muscles at least feels like it gets the heavy shit out of your system. Eat less Hot Pocket and more green stuff. Drink water. Get sunlight. Touch grass.