SUGAR LAND, TX—Confused by the man outside who was not wearing a UPS uniform or carrying a package of any kind, local suburbanites expressed bafflement Thursday when they looked out their front windows and saw a person walk by who wasn’t delivering anything. “Huh, our Amazon orders already came today, so what’s this…

SUGAR LAND, TX—Confused by the man outside who was not wearing a UPS uniform or carrying a package of any kind, local suburbanites expressed bafflement Thursday when they looked out their front windows and saw a person walk by who wasn’t delivering anything. “Huh, our Amazon orders already came today, so what’s this guy doing?” said resident Felicity Truesdale, admitting she was at a loss to explain the presence of an individual outdoors who was dressed in casual clothing and, instead of holding a DoorDash or Grubhub bag, was completely empty-handed. “I don’t understand why he doesn’t go inside. He’s heading down the sidewalk at an ordinary pace—where could he possibly be going? I should probably call the police just to let them know. I assume that’s against the law.” At press time, Truesdale had reportedly decided to play it safe by evoking her state’s “stand your ground” law and shooting the man dead where he stood.

  • @[email protected]English
    45•1 year ago

    Lmfao Sugar Land. The Onion picked the perfect place for the article. It can be said the same for the rest of Houston too.

    I remember driving to pick my friend up around there a decade ago, but having to stop in her subdivision first to fix my cars screen/central console by updating. Parked between two houses in the suburbs and began fixing it.

    The owner of one of the houses came out and just stared at me. Eventually he began to flash his garage door lights constantly at me to go away. I wasn’t blocking his driveway or anything during this. The old guy just keep looking at me as I was trying to reset stuff.

    Then he got in his car and just idled it in the driveway and began flashing his high beams at me. I was stuck sitting there because the car required to be parked while updating. Eventually the dick sped his car forward out of his driveway and blocked me from even able to move forward. He lowered his window and just stared at me again. I held up the phone that said it was updating my car and told him. He just said OK and kept watching me until it was done and he moved to let me go.

    Only 9/10 minutes had gone by from when I first parked to when I left. Such a creepy ass moment to deal with when I was 17 years old. I fucking hate living in Houston.

    • squiblet
      19•1 year ago

      It’s utterly unwalkable, too. It’s fairly amazing how fucked up Texas is (like, not even having sidewalks in these suburbs) and meanwhile Texans are 100% convinced their state is the absolute best place in the world.

      • @doppelgangmemberEnglish
        9•1 year ago

        star spangled banner music intensifies, distant eagle screeches

        • @[email protected]English
          5•1 year ago

          Joke all you want, I firmly believe the Founding Fathers intended for our right to gun down petty, paranoid boomers in the street.

          Well, they’d have preferred duels, but those are illegal so now we just shoot scary people.

    • RozaŭtunoEnglish
      11•1 year ago

      Living in the suburbs can increase your chances of developing paranoia, especially if you’re already susceptible to it. And it doesn’t help that the Venn diagram of paranoid suburbanites and people that watch Fox News all day is basically a circle.