An ode to all hugs you receive

If by any chance I linked you to this (and by linking you here, you can conclude the linker is me, it’ll be seen the internet knows this and adapts), it’s because I felt the world needed more hugs, this one to you (I’m sure you’re familiar with digital hugs, reading this being equal to one, more elaborate than a gif). To my friends and acquaintances, I wish all the light in the world, and even upon those who wrong me, I hate seeing any darkness so incomprehensible it further shapes our relationship. Imagine if we wished more demons upon our enemies, however demonic they already are. Nobody deserves that. You’re looking at a massive hug in all its anatomy.

When I was a child, everyone was personable with each other. Everything was savored. When two embrace, it’s as if the world pauses. The world ceases to exist for a moment, except for a heartbeat against the chest, the firm caress of gentle hands, the tenderness and warmth of another soul, and hopefully any tears turned to giggles that vibrate in each person’s arms. You lose sight of if there is any monster, beast, or machine in front of you, you might say because there never was one, and you don’t care if it’s painful to the touch, because you realize there is a part of each person that exists beyond the pain. And yet gestures that merely stand in for this may have the same power.

I was the aloof one of my family though, and this did not register for me in its completion at first. My family was always adoption-heavy, I was adopted by my mother while my six older sisters were adopted by my dad, and then mom and dad married. While I will forever be grateful for what my dad did, even if reuniting us was by accident, it also made us feel distant from one another. I was never greatly personable with him, our relationship was akin to once-removed relatives, a situation worsened because I went to grade school abroad. Whenever I was on the phone with my family, I would never ask to speak to my dad, and when I did, it was for a secondary reason.

One day, I remember he did try to give me a good gesture. He sent me a “long distance hug”, a common social cue which in his case represented him at his most lively, but alas, I pushed it away, in part wondering how it could be considered “real” in its own right. I believed strongly in the humanness of such gestures, never did I put esteem in X’s and O’s as many today might know them. That was the last time I ever had a chance to savor such a thing.

A year after I graduated, I was still spending a lot of time away from everyone, to the extent that no messenger could link us. I called my older sisters to see how everyone was done. I began with mom, and then I moved up the ladder from sister to sister, asking how each one was doing, and then I finished with dad. There was a silence that happened when I mentioned him, it was as if the world was offended that I had asked how he was doing, like the dark version of the silence that happens during embrace. Finally, my sister spoke up, “I see nobody told you he passed away a year ago”. The displacement caused by one sentence suddenly felt more heartfelt than anything I did for him.

I realized I had missed everything. I debated with myself strongly over whether to visit, whether it would be honorable or not, but in the end was able to mourn. There was nothing left, but I saw his memorial stone had X’s and O’s on it, whether this was intentional or not. I never inserted a hug so hastily. I am desperate to think this was a sign. People often don’t think about what there is left to address until they have to. I recently honored him by taking his X’s and O’s (erasing everything else) and doodling a hug from me around the two shapes in all the spots they appear, see if you can spot them (if you can, the X’s and O’s are yours even more).

In thy name, this is my hug to whoever was sent to read this on whatever given day I sent this to be read, and I hope everyone recognizes the gift as a sign of being more worthy than Mjolnir at one’s core, more destined to inherit the world than the shadows that try to pull each of us down, if they accept it. Even before living a little more, he leaves this forever-morally-confused soul with a motto: even beyond reach, in heart’s embrace the ache of both is tamed.

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