First, I am a late diagnosis, so if some of my terminology is offensive please tell me, assimilation is hard.
On the the point, I have been noticing a pattern, I am in a number of allistic or mixed groups, online or in meetup type spaces. I am trying to expand my social circle, and I have nearly always been alone.
Is it typical amongst nurotypical people to respond to a question with need for information questions and then, when they realize that (and I don’t know which) they’re not interested or they can’t help they just move on, not explain that they can’t help or aren’t interested?
Yes, I do believe it’s more of a cultural thing… westerners seem to be more cold when it comes to emotions, which is why people that are more emotional see a problem in this, whereas, if they lived in another cultural sourrounding, they might feel right at home.
Yes, I do agree on the closure part. I like to have one as well, but not all people are like that. I can tell just by the way a conversation is going where a person lives, lol 😂… or at least have a general idea.
Don’t beat yourself up over not having closure. Different people, different characters, different perceptions. If they don’t offer one, hey, they’re probably not the right person for you to be having a conversation with in the first place. I’ve had the same thing happen to me hundreds of times, so I just got used to it now and brush it off. Real friends and people you’re close to don’t do that… well, at least in my experience. Stick to the ones that don’t do that, push the others aside. They’re not enemies, but probably not as close to you as you might have though.
I hope this isn’t bothersome, but I want to understand, I am hearing, find comfort in conversation. I have trouble with conversational skill (there’s a surprise lol), so I have come to understand there will never be a conversation I come away from feeling “right”, but if I understand you correctly, it would be a good idea to stick with people, given the choice, that have conversation characteristics that keep us both comfortable.
I can’t tell you how much I appreciate your input. I know over time I have lost a lot of my people skill, not that I want the mask back I just want some form of socialization.
Exactly 👍.
You don’t make friends with people you don’t like, right 😉. The same goes for conversations. You make small chit chat with people you know will lead the conversation in a direction you might not like. And only if you really need to talk to them, like need some sort of an info that they might have or they write you up with a hey, how you doing. Keep it civil, but short. If it starts to progress in a manner you might not like, be honest, tell them you don’t want to talk about this or that because you might get frustrated from the outcome of the converstaion. I’m sure they’ll apreciate that and know your boundaries, which in turn will let them know exactly where you 2 stand, in the terms of friendship and all that.
I would sugest more open minded people as friends or partners. People that, let’s say, listen to alternative music or be more into art, tend to be more open minded. I’d start looking for friends in those circles. Even if you don’t listen to that particular music style or don’t like art, general conversation is something most people enjoy a lot. So, just dig in that direction and I’m sure you’ll find some people that are eccetric enough to find your conversations interesting and your stand points, no matter how weird they are to the rest of society, interesting and maybe even funny (in a positive way, of course 😂) ☺️.
You have a way of explaining things that seems to make better sense to me. I cannot thank you enough for taking the time to help. You have given me a lot to think over and some concrete ideas to try out.
I am always amazed when I cross paths with such helpful people. You are an exceptionally kind person.
Again thank you!
No problem, you’re welcome ☺️.
I have been struggling with people in general myself… as in, I’m not really considered “normal” in most societies. Eccentric? Yes, most probably, but in general, just weird. Some find that relaxing and me interesting, but to most people I’m just a weirdo. That’s fine, I’ve come to accept that, it’s not really a problem at this point. I used to think there was something wrong with me, for a very long time… and maybe there is, IDK, but I’ve given up on trying to fit in or finding a “cure” for my weirdness. I just do what I feel (in my heart) is right and live with the consiquences 🤷. Sure, I do put on breaks and masks sometimes, in critical situations, but when things are more casual, I’m just muself. Whoever wants to make converstaion or just get to know me, fine. If they find my stand points and opininons off putting, that’s fine as well, we’re just different, that’s all ☺️. You go your way, me my way and that’s all there is to it 🤷 😂.
You have a great outlook, I spent so much time “keeping up appearances” and it damn near killed me. I swang the other way and it damn near did the same thing, I guess now I am looking for my middle ground. Just enough of an ass to scare off most of the hateful bitter people, just kind enough to not be a doormat. Anything that is left is just the shine on the coin.
Yes, exactly. It’s like I’m lobotomized of some part of the brain that is responsible for applying some of societiy’s “norms and standards”. Like I see nothing wrong with asking some questions that are considered not polite to ask. Or my reasoning is considered somewhat risky in some situations. It’s just who I am 🤷. I can’t be someone else. I’ve tried to be, I really have, I ended up being depressed and seriously rethinking my whole life and how I’ve lived it thus far, that all of the happy and joufull moments I’ve had might have been the wrong thing to do… that’s no way to live IMHO. If you’re not hurting anyone with what you do (at least not intentionally and when you realze you do, you stop), I really can’t see nothing wrong with the way I am… or how anyone else is for that matter. As i said, you do you, I’ll do me and that’s all there is to it. I don’t have to like you and you don’t have to like me.
I am sure you have heard this, and it has been misattributed so many times I am not sure who to credit but: “The right to swing your fist ends at my nose.”
That was always the struggle for me, that part of my brain was never there I had to learn to fake having it so I could “fit in” and not get beat up, or worse (but there was still worse) but that act is exhausting. I don’t want to have to act anymore, at all, but if I don’t not even my mom wants anything to do with me.
Well, to be honest, I have never started a fight but I’ve never backed away from one either (ok, on rare occasions and only if ending up in a hospital with something broken was a real possibility, considering the size and strength of the oponent 🤣). That being said, once you actually engage with bullies and they see that you fight back, they back off. The point of bulling is the victim to always be a victim and no harm comes the bully’s way. Once the bully sees that he can get hurt, even if the chances are not that great, they back off. I think this is mostly because of 2 reasons. One, they fear actually losing and this is witnessed by others, which will make them feel like a loser in front of the others. Two, they enjoy the act of bulling, not actually doing what they say they’re gonna do (beat you up)… and even if they do, they don’t actually want fists thrown their way, so if you do throw them, they have to evade them or take them, which is not something they are particularly fond of, even if they say or appear to be. If they enjoy just fighting or beating up people/animals for the heck of it, they have deep seeded trauma. Stay away from them at all costs. Engage (fight) if you have to, but just to get them off your back… and don’t hurt them too much, cuz they’re probably vindictive as well, might hold a grudge for years and do something really bad to you in the years to come.
Regarding your mother… I really have no advice to give there… but I can tell you 1 thing… I love my child more than life itself, there isn’t a thing I wouldn’t do for him. Also, I accept him for who he is, not who I want him to be. If your mother doesn’t want anything to do with you, so be it… she’s your mother, the woman that gave life to you, ao she should always be respected. But, if she doesn’t want to have anything to do with you, why would you want to persue that relationship 🤷? It seems pointless to me. Unless she’s just trying to give you good advice, make some suggestions on how you could better yourself in certain situations (even if that does go against who you are, you have to do it from time to time, I do as well 🤷), but only frowns upon you for you being who you are, wthout actually listening to what you have to say or trying to help you… no, I really can’t see a point in persuing that relationship or caring about what my mother thinks of me… sorry, but that’s my 2 cents.