First, I am a late diagnosis, so if some of my terminology is offensive please tell me, assimilation is hard.
On the the point, I have been noticing a pattern, I am in a number of allistic or mixed groups, online or in meetup type spaces. I am trying to expand my social circle, and I have nearly always been alone.
Is it typical amongst nurotypical people to respond to a question with need for information questions and then, when they realize that (and I don’t know which) they’re not interested or they can’t help they just move on, not explain that they can’t help or aren’t interested?
OMG, I’m so excited to answer this question! 😆 Also, I’m happy you asked this because it means you’re intuitive enough to pick up on it on your own and vulnerable enough to seek knowledge and improve your life. To me, this is a good sign for your well-being, altough I know it might not feel that way.
What I’ve learned in my intense special interest with autism and neurotypicality over the past year is that allistics are constantly aware of a social hierarchy and everyone’s position on it, though it is more prevalent in some social settings over others. A main life purpose is to be as high as possible while not trying to look like it.
One way to maintain or increase their position is to appear knowledgeable. It serves the purpose of seeming like a valuable resource and that they may have undisclosed tricks should someone attack them for their position. Despite trying to seem like no one is doing this, they all know they are. Because of this, they have learned that they should only ask knowledge questions that the other person will know the answer to. Otherwise, asking a question someone can’t confidently answer correctly is an attack on their position. In other words, asking this is pointing out that the emperor has no clothes. Therefore, asking a question that someone doesn’t know the answer to causes the anxiety of being attacked.
They have several manners in which to respond, but two come to mind. One, they can be confident in their social power and openly admit that they don’t know. However, you’ll really only see this with high ranking people that have security in their social rank (e.g. executives, famous professors, etc.) , those that are so low in their rank that not knowing isn’t going to affect them, or people that are visiting temporarily so their long-term position doesn’t matter or they have an excuse to not know. Two, they can distract everyone by manipulating the topic in a way that helps observers not realize they don’t know. Howver, this makes the asker seem either rude or offensive. As such, they will want to limit contact with the asker.
Situations in which I have noticed this to be more common are where people that have acquired positions beyond their effective capacities by manipulating social situations, such as through lying, group politics, appearance, or a mix. It also happens with people new to the setting and are trying to establish a high rank.
By the way, there is a book in the helpful resources link (see the sidebar) that was written by an autistic for autistics explaining the allistic world that I found insightful and helpful. It’s called a Field Guide to Earthlings and should be available for free. If you have trouble getting it, please let me know!
I very much agree with everything you said, except for the above sentence. Being high ranking in a formal institution doesn’t automatically translate to being high social status and it certainly doesn’t translate to being confident.
Many people in high ranking positions are extremely insecure and will cling to their position in a desperate attempt to increase their status. Being ignorant may not affect a high ranker position but it will affect their status (especially if the ignorance is displayed in a social setting). Because of this, how a person respond will be heavily affected by the status of the asker.
Okay, so first wow and thank you, that is a lot and I am going to need to read it a few times and I love it!
Now I have to tell you the first few sentences I had a person with hands together 🙏clapping them rapidly right at their sternum. And for the rest there was a hurried voice and someone repeatedly returning up and down to and from tip toes. And-it-was-magical.
Now I am going to read that like 5 times so I can absorb it. And thank you again…I will also look at that book, but I generally run stuff like that by my therapist first to make sure it doesn’t clash with what we are working on at the moment.
You’re very welcome!
Yes, I was excited similar to the person you described, but I wasn’t in a position to act it out at the time. I still felt it though!
Let me know if you have any questions about what I commented. Also, please know that I am not a specialist in this field or a therapist. I’m just some guy that got real interested in the subject once I was diagnosed.
That sounds like a great rule to have 🙂
I am very glad because I felt like I brought joy to your life.
And I will I have a bookmark placed on your comment so I can get back to it. If I come up with questions I will put it in a reply here so you will get a notification.
I’m not diagnosed. I have had some doubts for the last handful of years, and especially since I started meds for ADHD. But if that’s really how allistics think like… Damn boi, I’m autistic as fuck 😂
Okay…I’m gonna say it. I’m really going to say it. Allism is a spectrum 😆. Actually, it’s really a set of spectra. Either way, some do what I commented more than others. On one end, you’ve got people high on narcissism, and other you have selfless people. It really all depends, and every single person is an individual with their own traits. But yes, they tend to think that way, while autistics tend to not.