I (25mtf) realized I might be trans years ago after finding egg_irl on reddit and spending the last few years basically finding every excuse as to why I couldnt be trans. I was terrified of coming out and terrified of the possibility that I might not be cis. The repression and fear for years destroyed me. Once I developed some pretty severe depression I began seeing a therapist. I was convinced the depression was due to my severe burnout from my job and that it couldn’t possibly be gender dysphoria. Thankfully once I began seeing this therapist I brought up my gender identity issues. After months and months of my worstening depression I was eventually placed on prozac. The prozac helped a bit, but what really helped my depression was beginning to really explore my gender identity. About four months ago I discussed it with my long term partner of 6 years and she was amazingly supportive beyond my wildest dreams.

I was able to start exploring my gender identity and wear feminine clothes and be referred to with she/her pronouns etc. It was really fun and helped the depression subside. I thought the prozac was doing its job and fixed my depression so I was referred over to a gender therapist to determine if I may be transgender. I got to meet other transgender guys, gals and nonbinary pals. I got to hear their experiences with being trans both the good and the bad. I was terrified of being trans because I’ve always been horrifically socially awkward. I couldn’t imagine dealing with standing out in public and being clocked. I was absolutely horrified of how badly I could be treated. Those fears held me severely back in my coming out process. I had only told 3 people for months and it was only the people I lived with. I wasn’t out to anyone else and felt too scared of losing the people I cared about even though I knew they would be supportive. After only a months time after this point my prozac stopped working.

My depression came back with a vengeance. I began isolating myself and overall losing my will or motivation to do anything. I hit the lowest point of my life last week and realized there was no way I could continue denying my true self. I ended up popping an edible and playing Celeste because I’d played it before and new it was a story of depression written by a trans woman. I’ve literally never been more called out by any piece of media in my entire life. It literally saved my life and showed me that I truly need to listen to my inner self. I cried and cried for hours and truly listened to my inner self for once. That was one week ago today. From that day onwards I had no idea how much confidence I actually have. I stopped boymoding 24/7 and made a new goal for myself: be my authentic self always. I in that time managed to find out that my social anxiety seems to have been caused by gender dysphoria. When Im presenting as fem I can order food at take away spots without issue and call people on the phone or even begin messaging people. I began the process of coming out to everyone and I created my first social media posts in years. I announced to the world that I’m Ada and I cant continue denying who I am. since that day I have been on cloud 9. I have never felt happiness like this in years (if ever). I feel lighter and more energetic. I have motivation and confidence like I could never believe. In the last week I went out to the movies, went to a couple restaurants, did karaoke, went thrifting, went bar hopping in a very conservative part of my home city (was not my idea and I didnt think it through when I said yes, but I was very suprised I only got a few odd stares and one rude question) and even went to a Halloween party. Every one of those I was wearing what I wanted to wear (pretty much always a skirt and cute top) and definitely did not pass (still waiting to be able to start hrt). I at first was afraid of how bad the transphobia could be, but I soon began to realize that most people, at least where Im at, are either super supportive or keep to themselves. I have heard some pretty rude things this last week about me. I heard myself being referred to as a slur by a couple of the customers at a 7/11. I helped my grandparents move and heard some offhanded comments from one of the family friends who is a pastor (basically him wondering if I was fruity and how such a good young man could do such a thing).

I was definitely hurt by those things, but the bad feelings basically bounce off when I realize just how many people are supportive of me. I am referred to by my preferred pronouns and name pretty much by everyone I normally interact with (mistakes happen here or there but they dont bother me as I know they arent intentional). The feelings I get from the love and support around me is worth those bad moments. Ive never felt so free in my life and wanted to share my story of how coming out basically saved my life and wasn’t as scary as I thought it would be. Im only one week in to being fully openly out and the gender euphoria has basically cured my lack of motivation and energy. Sometimes just taking a leap into something (if it seems safe enough to do so) is worth it because it forces you to face those fears and overcome those challenges.