I think I’m struggling a bit on my self acceptance.

For example, I know that HRT is something I want. But I’m not ready for it right now. I have this strong desire to start it and start a more noticeable transition, but after looking more into it I got scared and dysphoric almost about the whole thing?

I have moments where I’m confident and want to move forward but also moments where I’m scared and it feels like too much.

Plus I feel like I’m running out the clock on my transition. I’m almost 30 and only came out to myself and my wife a month ago. I feel like I’ve wasted a lot of my life already in the wrong body and I feel like I need to play catch up almost.

I guess I’m wondering if these are common feelings people have when first starting off? Knowing that you want something for your transition but just not being ready yet. And this weird sense of time slipping away even faster than before? Almost like a mid life crisis… like a beginning transition crisis, lol

Just something I’ve been conflicted over the past week that I thought I would share with y’all. ❤️

  • Lumelore (She/her)English
    7•1 year ago

    Even though I came out to myself at 16 it took me until I was 20 to start HRT. I experienced that as well, even with just going to buy women’s clothes in person. I went to the store walked around for a few minutes and left. I was so afraid at first but I also felt really dysphoric about wearing men’s clothes so I went back and eventually I wasn’t afraid anymore. I remember feeling that way about getting HRT too, but after I made the appointment I was so happy, although I had a few doubts on the day of if I should really be doing it but I went in anyway and after the appointment my mother told me she hadn’t seen me so happy since I was just a little kid.

    • oNeviaOPEnglish
      4•1 year ago

      Thank you for this. After reading about the possible side effects and changes to my body I don’t necessarily want right now (lower libido and other sexual changes) it got me worried that I wasn’t really sure what I was getting myself into I guess. Also, I may want a second child some day and def don’t have the funds for a sperm bank right now, lol

      I think it’s definitely something in my future and I want to look and present more feminine. But Im just not there yet and I’m trying to understand that doesn’t mean I’m not trans or not wanting it. I just have to work up to it.

      Really glad to hear it made a big difference in your life ❤️ I’ve been really dysphoric about my wardrobe ever since I came out but also terrified about getting into women’s clothing. So I’m starting slow with some feminine panties and a couple shirts I can wear around the house. Glad to hear I’m not the only one that even has some issues with being confident enough to start dressing more affirming. Even when the dysphoria is tough to get through :/

      • Lumelore (She/her)English
        2•1 year ago

        Thanks for the positive words! I honestly don’t think the lower libido is as bad as it seems but it depends on the person. For me I’d say mine about halved but I’ve heard that progesterone can bring it back up. Other than that I haven’t had any sexual changes that I see as negative, except for that I will probably never have bio kids lol. Taking it slow with wearing femme clothes around the house is a good way to build up confidence. I did that for about two years before I finally went outside in femme clothes for the first time. Dysphoria tends to push you to do things you are afraid to do or not feeling ready to do yet because you get to a point where you can’t take it anymore. I know you want to wait to maybe have a second kid but if your dysphoria gets bad enough it might force you to make a decision earlier than you wanted to, if mine wasn’t so bad I would have waited longer to do sperm banking. I wish you well on your future transition endeavors!

        • oNeviaOPEnglish
          2•1 year ago

          Yeah that makes sense. I know I have aspects of dysphoria that have really ramped up since self accepting. Particularly body hair. I’ve always hated the amount of hair on my body and now I can’t take it anymore so I’ve been shaving like every other day even though it takes me so long 😭

          But the next day I feel a lot better about myself so I try and use that as my motivator. Lol. Just got my first bit of femme clothing (undies) and almost cried putting them on (in a good way) so I’m just riding off that euphoria for a bit.

          Funny enough, having my kid actually put all of this into high gear for me because he loves me for me. He loves that I’m affectionate and more motherly and when I realized I felt more like a mom than your typical “dad” I knew something was happening in my subconscious. So the prospect of having a second when/if my wife and I are ready has a lot of mixed feelings attached.

          Thank you so much for your input and perspective! :)