LOS ANGELES—With space and time ceasing to exist amid the actor’s cries of “Too old! Too old! They’re all too old,” Leonardo DiCaprio reportedly tore apart the fabric of the universe Friday when he attempted to have sex with a girl who had not yet been born. “My desires will at long last be fulfilled when I’m sleeping with a girl so young she can’t even exist in this physical dimension!” the 49-year-old Academy Award winner was overheard saying moments before the collapse of the entire cosmos, when he is believed to have used a particle accelerator to atomize and reconstitute his penis at an infinite number of points throughout the multiverse. “There she is—in the year 2092! She’s younger than anyone I’ve ever seen… Now, to penetrate the quantum singularity!” At press time, sources confirmed the being of pure light that once called itself Leonardo DiCaprio was left disappointed by sex with the yet-to-exist girl whom he still believed was too old.

link: https://www.theonion.com/leonardo-dicaprio-tears-fabric-of-universe-apart-attemp-1851066625