Greetings.
I’m in quite of a pickle here, and just thinking about it will get me nowhere.

.

I attend a group hobby weekly.
Quite often we go for a follow-up hang-out in the local bar. I recall everyone else buying a drink and coming to sit down to have a chat.
I don’t buy anything. I wait for the first of us ordering and then I follow them to the table.

One of our attendees has commented on my behavior twice so far.
First she said that I’m a bum. That I use the bar’s staff and the place for my own benefit. There’s a chance that she said that in front of someone else.
Last night she commented that I’m still doing this (we two sat alone for a while). She’s afraid that they’ll throw us out because of my behavior.

I explained that I rarely buy stuff from bars.
On the second comment I said that I’ll probably continue this behavior to the end of times and they won’t throw us out because everyone else spends money. And that my friend said that she or her friends do the same thing quite commonly.
I could have felt her loathing upon me.

I don’t have the money to buy pricy consumables.
I have my own water bottle and sometimes snacks from a market to keep my belly full enough. Or then I don’t eat anything and eat later.
I’m there because of the company.

The employees haven’t commented anything about my behavior. I don’t know, would they even care.

.

Thoughts?
Am I unfair or is she?

I’m thinking about asking her next time that should I just leave if I’m such a bother to her.
I’m also thinking about suggesting us to talk about this as a group.

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EDIT: I don’t think this is about alcohol. I believe most of them order something else cos it’s late Monday and most people go to work the next day.
EDIT2: We don’t have the tipping culture here.
EDIT3: Thanks for all the comments! You give my mind and feels some peace 💗

  • @janonymous
    3•11 months ago

    Some of these comments are way too harsh!

    I agree there is nothing wrong with your behavior. I think people are insensitive or just ignorant of others financial situation.

    There are a lot of people who can’t afford too many unnecessary expenses. Still there are those who never had to think to much about expenses like drinks in a bar or food in a restaurant. They might not even be conscious of the fact that the people around them might have it different.

    Then there is the general stigma around money, especially not having any. Many people are actively afraid that others could think they don’t have money. Feelings of shame and embarrassment around money are not uncommon. These are strong enough to lead to second hand embarrassment, seeing someone else showing signs of not having money. This can be very uncomfortable for them to experience, especially if they weren’t aware of it or don’t have much experience with it.

    That is why it’s nice not to assume that everybody in the group can afford to go to a bar. I know it’s not easy to talk about money, but I think it’s important to be upfront with your wealthier friends if you can’t afford to go to the bar. They might reconsider going to somewhere else or someone’s flat instead or just invite you. It shouldn’t be upon the less wealthy to do this, but it’s an unfortunate reality in most circles I know. The only exceptions are circles where it’s common to have no money…

    As for the bar and staff: they might talk and joke about it, because it’s unusual, but they would be pretty short sighted to mind it. If you come with a group that pays, they make money. You could always leave and find some place that doesn’t mind that one of you won’t order anything.

    You could try a sort of compromise and order a glass of tap water, assuming that it’s free in your country of course. That way you order something, but make it clear that you won’t spend any money. You are not sneaking in and instead being upfront with the staff.

    In any case don’t let yourself get bullied into spending money, when you can’t or don’t want to. I have myself been in the situation often enough that I couldn’t really afford such expenses or rather wanted to save my limited money to spend it somewhere else. It’s already an uncomfortable place, made harder by situations like that. However, there is nothing wrong with not having a lot of money and being open about it.

    • DamaskoxOP
      3•11 months ago

      …it’s important to be upfront with your wealthier friends if you can’t afford to go to the bar

      In some other/a general scenario this sounds fine 🙂
      In my case - I couldn’t care less about the part of not being able to buy a drink or drinking only water when someone else took something else. So, it’s fine by me to sit with them in a bar.

      It’s her behavior that made a mood drop.
      Besides…she knows that I live on the basic income support so I believe this isn’t the case in my situation 🤔

      They might reconsider going to somewhere else or someone’s flat instead or just invite you

      Sounds nice!
      In my case - I don’t think anyone lives that close to the bar, and the bar has been used as a place to hang afterwards by this group for years (I believe).

      .

      You could try a sort of compromise and order a glass of tap water, assuming that it’s free in your country of course. That way you order something, but make it clear that you won’t spend any money. You are not sneaking in and instead being upfront with the staff.

      💗