Someone recently told me that they sometimes feel gaslighted around me because I effortlessly make them question their beliefs and feelings. Hearing that didn’t sit well with me, especially since I’ve been pondering the question in the title for quite some time.
I’ve always been quite critical of myself and don’t consider myself a very nice person. When I discover that someone doesn’t enjoy being around me, I don’t blame them one bit. It’s not like I’m intentionally mean or abusive; quite the opposite, actually. I have very strong morals. However, this includes things like not lying, which means I always speak the truth, even if not everyone likes hearing it. I don’t conform to many social norms expected of me.
Despite all of this, I have deep relationships with several people and especially the elderly and for example the parents of my past girlfriends have all liked me a lot. But I can’t help but wonder why they don’t see me as I see myself. I worry that I’m hiding the true me so well that people don’t actually like me, but rather the facade I unknowingly maintain. Then again, a true psychopath probably wouldn’t be second-guessing themselves in this manner.
I find it entertaining that answering questions honestly implies someome has a disorder.
“Why didn’t you like the peas?”
“They were overcooked for my tastes.”
Society: “What a rude jerk, they should have lied to make the person who cooked feel better.”
And the flipside of it is that when you yourself commit to not lying it makes you even more sensitive to noticing when others do it. If I see someone comfortably lying to a 3rd party in front of me then I assume they’re doing the same thing to me aswell. People even brag about situations where they’ve gotten ahead by lying. They’re effectively advertising their untrustworthy personality. Praise is also far more valuable when coming from someone you know to tell the truth. They know I’m not saying it to please but because I mean it.
That plus everyone has different ideas of what the ‘right’ things to lie about are and get mad if someone lies about the ‘wrong’ thing.
It is mostly to avoid the conflict of the other personn overreacting to differences in opinion as well.
Obviously it depends, you need to consider the work people have put into something, rudely saying you don’t like it is just that, rude.
If it’s overcooked, they probably know it already. No need to make that comment, unless you like being an asshole.
If they don’t ask, I don’t say anything. Asking and being mad about someone not lying to protect your feelings when they don’t praise your effort is rude.
For example, why is the person who knows something is overcooked asking how it is? If I take a bite and don’t eat it, then they ask why, they are being rude by putting me in a situation where the social expectation is to lie.
Exactly. I treat others as I want to be treated myself. This means that if I’m asking something I’m expecting an honest answer. If I don’t want to know I don’t ask.