WASHINGTON—In a historic ruling, the U.S. Supreme Court declared Tuesday that Americans have the right to roofies. “A sexual predator’s right to Rohypnol is an issue of personal liberty that must not be infringed upon,” said Justice Brett Kavanaugh, who grew visibly emotional during oral arguments, asserting through tears that if the date-rape drug had been legal during his time as a college student, it would have “changed [his] life.” “Under the 14th Amendment, the DEA’s prohibition of Rohypnol is unconstitutional. Creeps and perverts are entitled to the same rights as those who have never sexually assaulted or attempted to sexually assault anyone. The Founding Fathers would have absolutely taken a dose of flunitrazepam to the tavern with them.” At press time, telehealth company Hims had already released a new ad campaign targeting men who want roofies but are too embarrassed to speak to their doctor about it.

    • @Donjuanme
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      553 months ago

      I ate the onion on this one XD

      I wonder how the strike is going, because they have a few bangers recently.

      • @paddirn
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        73 months ago

        Same, though I assumed it was someone editorializing or taking a decision to its natural conclusion.

    • @[email protected]
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      163 months ago

      Sign me up—not for me to use on other people, but for me to eat.

      Rapists wasting good drugs on hurting people, when I could be getting scronked on em!