When I first learned of this, it was presented in a way that made sense to me, which is that through interaction with our family during childhood, is when you establish whether you’re an asker or a guesser. Families that are confident, loving, and communicative, are askers. They can communicate in this way because they know they are loved, so they can more easily articulate boundaries, precisely because they know they’ll be respected.

Whereas other families that don’t communicate well, that don’t present their children with unconditional love and acceptance, will be guessers. This is due to the parents inability to establish and maintain boundaries, or interact when problems arise with emotional stability. The children of guessers then have to use outside clues to figure out how to get what they need without directly asking for it, because they don’t just fear rejection, but retaliation for having asked.

This very much relates to relationship attachment styles. If you’re a secure attachment, you’re probably an asker. Whereas if you’re an insecure attachment, you’re probably a guesser.