I like all my kids friends except for one. She stayed overnight a few weeks ago and there was something off putting about her. Took her out the night of the meteor shower and again she’s just non-responsive? Last night she was part of a big NYE sleepover. She didn’t pick after herself, insisted on sleeping in the closet (was at an Airbnb, not our house), wouldn’t wake up when we were trying to get everyone ready to leave, and refused to help with picking up the house/clean up for check out. Wasn’t necessarily disrespectful to our face but not respectful either. If asked to have this one over again, I’m inclined to say no. But maybe fourth time is the charm? Not sure if I should be telling the parent. She’s in sixth grade so probably 11/12. Maybe autism spectrum? Thoughts?
Not your circus not your monkey. I wouldn’t be so quick to be diagnosing other peoples kids, but if you’re concerned about her behaviors, I think that would merit a (friendly, civil) conversation with her grownups.
I would also say to steer clear of picking your kids friends for them (and that includes excluding people from being their friends). Thats a a parents doomsday weapon. You save that for kids who really rub you the wrong way. That breeds resentment. If you have concerns about their friends and who they associate with, you need to progress to that tool after weighing other options…most importantly, starting with having a mature and respectful dialogue with your kid about the types of people they associate with. They are at the right age that you can and should be having serious grownup conversations with them and connecting with them as if they are more of an adult and less of a kid. Give them the respect they deserve as long as it is reciprocated.
I agree. My kids aren’t quite that old yet, but I’m wondering about speaking to my kiddo about the friend’s behavior that you noticed was particularly unhelpful, like not helping tidy up and getting ready to go. Of all of the issues, to me that one feels the most purely behavioral and not so much tied to who they are and possible insecurities. By having an honest but kind and patient discussion with my kid about how this was a problem, you can empower them to help you goad the friend into the behavior you need from them next time. It also helps your own kid possibly be aware of other issues, or even might bring up their feelings about said friend that they may already be having but haven’t processed yet. Or maybe they’ll tell you something about the friend that changes your perspective. Either way, peer pressure is way more effective that parental pressure at this age I’m guessing, so making your own kid an ally could be helpful.
My thoughts are that puberty is a hard time. And a sleepy time. And a time that basically the brain is taken over by a chemical soup not far divorced from pregnancy-brain or postpartum-brain. If pubescent children were on the whole tidy, there wouldn’t be tropes about horrifically tossed teenager rooms, so not cleaning up after themselves seems developmentally apt.
If the child doesn’t meet your standards for cohabiting or vacationing, don’t take them. Your own child can relate to their friend in a different scenario.
Sleeping in a closet isn’t typical behavior, no, but it is also harmless. Perhaps the closet was a dark or quiet space which they needed in order to sleep and while they, too, think closet sleeping is weird, the alternative was no sleep at all because too bright or loud. It is tempting to fill in an unknown with a narrative, but your narrative is no more valid than my counterproposed narrative in this paragraph.
I wouldn’t tell her parent anything unless asked directly. I wouldn’t assume that the parent lacks the ability to see the same things you’ve seen as I doubt the behavior you saw is any different except in the better direction than how she behaves at home.
