This week it’s sharing stories. I’d like to invite you to share a time of difficult mental health; past or present, yours or someone else’s. We know there was a stigma to sharing, but the fediverse is open, caring, and listening and it’s 2024
SSRIs were a trend of people in my life for many years. I was lucky enough to not need them, most problems washed over me, but recently the toll of fatherhood has made me reconsider. I lack the patience required to deal with them, and depression is seeping in. Motivation and enjoyment are harder to come by. I hope 2024 I learn to cope better, and begin to enjoy being a dad, it should get better the older they get
The fact your acknowledging your shortcomings is enough to tell me you will get there.
Kids are tough and there’s no magic bullet. All you can do is grow together learning how to be there for them as their personality slowly reveals its self
Being a dad isn’t easy. Most of the techniques we’ve learned for dealing with people don’t work on kids. I find myself understanding my parents much better, and trying to avoid their mistakes.
It does get a lot better though. My kids are old enough that we can talk and joke with each other, which makes things so much better. They’re starting to learn responsibility, which makes things easier.
I hope 2024 works out for you. Good luck.
Kids are hard work, but remember to take care of yourself too. Do you get time for just you and your OH, or time for you to do something on your own?
Time for me more, and that is part of the hardest thing about kids. My time with the wife has been slashed, my weekends aren’t mine either. I didn’t get any advice about that at postnatal classes!
Do you have family or friends close by that can watch the kids to let you go for dinner or go to a class?
A few times a year. Been calling on babysitters too. It’s the day to day that ails more sadly
How long til the wee one is in school?
A good while yet, option to defer too with a late in the year birthday
I’m generally quite a resilient person and I kinda get on with life, so when bad things happen I try to rationalise and put my level head on. The last year or 2 have been peppered with difficulties and I am still hopeful of positive outcomes but I have an over thinking, pessimistic brain. I know I haven’t felt great over the festive period. Quite happy to hibernate at home and not see many folk but hoping when I get back to work my mood lifts a bit!
The winter nights takes their toll on us in Scotland for sure. I always find it easier the other side of the new year, the six nations approaches!
I’m trying to see the positives of heading into the new year and at the moment just not that bothered! Six nations is March time?? Then we have the Euros for the football!!
First weekend in Feb, and it finishes March. But it signals so much to me and being annual it gives hope eternal, the longer days, spring’s arrival, and social occasions galore, away days pre kids. It’s always a positive, usually a highlight too
Yeah the longer days definitely make it a better time!
(wrote this bit at the end seeing what I’m about to post. This is the 1st time I have thought about this all in 1 go and I’m a little shaken by it. Think I’m glad I am doing this though as from what I hear letting it out is the only way to analyse it and get better. Those here that knew me from reddit I hope this goes some way to explain some of my dumber comments)
This is going to be the first time I write all this down in 1 go and the first time people without having had my second name at 1 point or another or helped get here will have heard it all. the result is I’m expecting this to be a rambly mess. There is one thing in here that if I fail to explain just right will potentially piss people off but I’ll flag that.
Grew up in a dead mining village on the opposite side of Bishopbrigs than Glasgow with what was pretty shitty but not that unusual childhood in the 80s.
My earliest memory’s I have are at the age of 8 where for reasons I still don’t understand (kids are wankers I guess and I’ll leave it at that) and my dad coming home drunk on a Friday night my cousins were staying to see us being little shits and him losing his shit and me finding my self cowering on my dad over me repeatedly punching me in the face. The following Monday looking like the loser in a heavy weight fight I’m dragged into the headmasters office where 2 men asked me what happned (me being 8 just flat out told them) and that was the end of that as far as I knew. Last year I found out he was put on some child abuse register.
This seemed to escalate the bullying at school. Thinking back my need to put a cause on it has made me feel this happened because if his dad can do that why the fuck cant we. The school system did not help with for example one day I got some form of unremembered shit in the lunch hall and ran to the head master what had happened. His response was to tell me to go away and grow up. As the years rolled on i withdrew from well pretty much everything and shut down all emotional responses. Things continued like this until high school where I was just kinda left alone in the corner. Drinking in the weekends since I was around 12. Till my peers learned I had an empty house as soon as I was legally old enough to look after my sister while my parents went out on a Friday night where I suddenly had friends.
Around 14/15 I started the old self harm gig. To this day I don’t know if I was being serious about ending it or not but in 1 particular instance it was deep enough an ambulance was called. The response from my family.
My mum. Pissed off one of our neighbours was in her house to help me. The neighbour. you shit stain of a kid just doing this shit for attention My grandad. talked the ambulance team out of reporting it because “its embarrassing” the person who phoned the ambulance. Put tea leaves on the cut. Honestly I have no clue why. if there a thing here I’d love to hear it.
This becomes the Defining moment in my life till I move out of my parents house into my now wife’s flat. With every fucker in the village throwing it in my face every time I venture out of my house.
In the mean time at the at the age of 16 I get my first job as a nursing assistant in the local NHS mental and elderly home/hospital. I have no idea what its exact designation was when I worked there but it was an asylum when it was built on a 3 month contract.
Fun side note. My interview was
Interviewer “hi do you know X.” Me “aye he’s my uncle” Interviewer “i sat behind him in school” Me “oh right” Interviewer “OK so when do you want to start? Next week.”
There I met one of the worst human beings I will ever know who treated temps and residents with disdain. But also employed fucking everyone at 1 point at another including my mum at the time. It was odd having people walk up to me I didn’t know say variations of you are z3k3 arnt you. yeah I’m your your aunt/uncle/counseling last time I saw you, you were a baby.
The last week of my contract I found myself trying to be there for a gentleman who was feeling incredibly shit. I turn around to another staff member to let him know what’s going on. Its probably just part of his ongoing condition don’t worry to much. I turn back to said gentleman to reassure him to find he was well no longer there.
This was my first experience outside of extended family I had to deal with the whole not being alive thing it shook me. What shook me more was how callus some people were about it. Including his family.
Must have done something right because somewhat unrelated via my mum I’m told management want to bitchslap that shit person that I mentioned earlier and just wanted someone to throw in a complaint. I declined as I was at the end of the contract and fuck that shit. i was also phoned 2 weeks after the contract ended to do overtime. When I said I didn’t work there any more they asked if i wanted to go in anyway. I said no because I was worried the non contract I wasn’t in would mean I might not get paid
About a year into the relationship and about 3 years after that job we decide were going to have our first child. Shock horror out of wedlock. After telling the parents etc. I’m in the darts room of the club my dad went to with all his mates he felt the need to announce to the room that I’m a disappointment for this.
Life from here out was fairly uneventful. I had “moments” where my inability to emote would erupt for a week or 2 before i got it under control because you know “guys don’t show fee fees”
Daughter grew up a bit we had a second daughter I got another job around the age of 25. Next point of note is that most of my days I had this idea in my head I wouldn’t see my 30th birthday. This made that year very nerve racking and while that obviously didn’t happen my youngest daughter got super I’ll 8 months in yorkhil and about 3 of them in intensive care ill. My parents always made a point of visiting 5 mins at the end of visiting hours. Left the hospital early because she couldn’t handle it and when my daughter was fit enough to get out for walks wouldn’t come to see her in Ronald McDonald house because they have to get home.
This is when I lost it and cut all contact with my parents and basically told them to get fucked. It remained this way until they divorced and my dad blamed it all on my my mum.
around 6 months after daughter gets out of hospital my work informs me I’m being made redundant for the heinous crime of working in Glasgow while the moron who worked in London wasn’t even considered . If you think I’m exaggerating this moron blew up a server I built remotely by shoving a metal screw driver in the chassis while it was still powered on meaning I had to build it again from scratch. I was writing Altiris scripts (not important) while he was using them.
This was my biggest mental break. They couldn’t lay me off because I was on the sick completely dead to the world and developed a nasty twitch which still hangs around today when I get overwhelmed but calm enough that only my wife notices it. Some time into this I realise part of the reason I’m as bad as I am is because of this hanging over me so phone my boss and ask to fight through it.
towards the end of the process I get a place in uni and an offer for a stack of cash because they shit themselves when I call them out on the whole living in Glasgow thing. They pay for a lawyer to give me piece of mind on the get out clause. She spends 45 of the 60 min meeting trying to talk me into dragging their asses through the wringer on this point. I decline because of the state of me and I’m trying to move forward.
I get refereed to some mental health people where I was diagnosed with very mild OCD but was not ready to deal with my shit at that point so it kinda fizzled out.
From here on I’m dipping in and out of antidepressants.
In-between starting and graduating uni I patch things up with my dad somewhat and make an attempt with my mum. She tried to pretend like nothing happened and wouldn’t engage with our issues so that died on the first hurdle but I think my dad has somewhat realised I’m not taking his shit any more and went to my graduation where he told me that my mum asked “ftw is he doing that for” When he told her I was at Uni. (BTW honestly the best decision I made in my life Still reaping the benefits to this day)
after COVID calms down and I get myself off the drugs and move on till a couple years ago when my work is bough out by a big corporate entity which because of my previous experience spirals me out enough I ask to speak to the new mental health nurse in my docs. She refers me to something called social prescribing and suggests more drugs. I explain id rather not unless she felt it was necessary. (she didn’t). This is the true start of my journey out of the abyss. Social prescribing was all about cracking opening the emotional side of my head and learning to deal with my shit. The counselor refers me to get some 1 on 1 time with a specialist as she felt I was dealing with PSTD (up until this moment I thought that was just a thing solders got) and we part ways and I’m on a waiting list.
I just learnd theres a character limit :(
Now this is the part I’m worried about but I feel it is important context.
This relates to trans stuff so I want to preface this with. You do you whatever makes you happy is OK in my book I will do my best to make you feel welcomed and comfortable. This will become clearer as to why its important in a bit. (this is very badly worded but I hope my intent is clear)
spoiler
Out of nowhere some high up person in the work decrees work signatures must have preferred pronouns in them. I read this and being the sort of person that didn’t care about that stuff I chose to ignore it. A couple days later my gaffer ask me why I hadn’t updated my signature. I told him I didn’t feel it was in my best interest. He pressed the issue and out of nowhere I started panicking and full blown fight and flight mode and no idea why. He sees my reaction and asks that it be less mandatory and its left at that.
Fast forward to the 9 weeks of counseling where all of the above ramblings hopefully come into focus.
The first thing I learn is that my childhood is less normal than had told myself having been let down by every adult and system in my life at that point with 3 recurring themes
- My mother
- That unfortunate resident in my 1st job
- The shit in primary school
Working through these things We spent some time working through point 2 which is pretty much what it is I’m working to accept it and my role as someone who tried to help.
point 3 is about coming to terms with it there’s nothing I can do about it and try to become unstuck mentally at that age and try to grow my emotional maturity as it to say it clumsily I’m basically still emotionally a 10 yr old (or whatever) having shut out that part of myself at that young age.
point 1 is probably where most of the work still needs to be. We covered way more than I have listed with not just my mother but dad and grandparents. The 2 things that came out of this were
-
my parents would use Gender as a way of torturing both my self and my sister saying things like you (me) should have been born the girl and your sister the boy. This apparently was the root of the above panic attack and why I don’t see pronouns as anything that makes you you. You are what makes you happy your loves and aspirations not what other people call you (yes I know its more complex than this but its the best I can do without researching a thesis)
-
This prompted me to reach out to my system and ask to meet face to face to ask if it was as bad as I remembered or time embellishing my memories. Something we haven’t done in years and she told me it kinda freaked her out worrying something bad had happened. We met in a pub on Georges square and sat chatting we covered a lot of ground. The highlights being no it was infarct way worse and she had gone through a similar journey to this just a couple years earlier. We realised that the reason our relationship was so strained was because our parents were manipulative bastards playing us like chess pieces to keep us at odds. For example. my sister didn’t visit my daughter because we had a silly argument. Was one of those you forgot my kids birthday so I’m forgetting yours before it all kicked off. My mum used this to twist the situation to make her think I wouldn’t want her there. She told me in this conversation she did however phone every day for an update but wouldn’t let the staff pass her onto us. Something my dad is still doing but we agreed to leave him to it just keep each other in the look to watch out for it.
So where I’m at now
Work despite its normal issues is going well. I got a job right out of uni as a graduate helpdesk analyst for a software company where I quickly rose through 1st and 2nd line before moving to a Jr SaaS engineer where I built out the job from nothing (new post when I started) to requiring an additional 2 staff where I was given the senior engineer job an as of a couple months ago I run the entire department with 8 engineers 2 SNR engineers and a DBA
I’m working on moving past my mum and let all hope of that part of my life magically fixing itself and my sister. Our relationship is currently better than its ever bee.
I’m still having days and external stimulus does kick me in the head often. After going through that watching Encanto hits like a freight train. One of those off days is what prompted me to ask the question that lead to this thread of which I’m eternally grateful and way more than I hoped for as it allows all of us the chance to look at this side of ourselves in the anonymity of the internet.
If you made it to here thank you and apologies it seems I had a lot to get off my chest
You had a lot to say and it’s good that you can talk about it. You sound like you have a clearer idea of how you want things to go and ways on how you can manage that and thats to be applauded. Be proud of yourself and how far you’ve come!
Been thinking since the subject came up.
It’s wierd I’m glad I threw it out there and can see the progress but I have been sitting myself since I hit send
Sitting yourself gives you time to think and over think.
Stupid autocorrect 🤪 let’s just say I didn’t say sitting but yes your right
I wasn’t sure and didn’t want to assume!!!
I’m a worrier and over thinker so I would be the same!! Thats probably why my post isn’t as detailed!!!
Overthinking is what I got diagnosed with odc over. I learned to use it as a weapon.
Channeling that twisted single mindedness to something good.
Gor me it was hyperfocused on the negative and redirecting it to passing all my uni exams and then work.
I still have bad periods but I try to use that energy to help my situation these days
E
Every minute I don’t delete that lot I’m taking as a win