My wife and I had a miscarriage last week. We were 11 weeks along but our baby only grew to 8 weeks.
It’s been devastating.
I’m hoping to get some advice from anyone who’s been through it.
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what can I do to help my wife? She’s in physical pain which seems to be overriding the emotional pain, but I’m sure it will hit in due time and want to be able to help her the best that I can.
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our 15 month old obviously doesn’t know what’s going on, but it seems like he’s noticed a change of energy. Its hard to play with him like I normally do. I love him to bits, I just don’t have the energy but I need to make sure he knows he’s loved.
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we were able to collect the fetus as it passed naturally , we would like to do something to memorialize our unborn child but don’t know what.
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how can I take care of myself while taking care of my family through these times.
Thanks for any advice.
I’m so sorry for your loss. I had a miscarriage at 10 weeks about 5 years ago and it was very difficult. For me, I had a lot of physical pain from an incomplete D&C, which despite helping me keep my mind occupied I wouldn’t wish on anyone. To help with the emotional pain, it helped to have cathartic cries. I listened to the saddest musicals I liked and just let myself cry. It was useful for me to cry for a different reason than the loss, but everyone is different.
For Christmas, I bought an angel ornament to remember the baby had lost. There are other ways to memorialize the baby, such as having a burial, or setting aside an object in honor of the baby. It all depends on what works best for you and your wife. Some people don’t want to remember and would rather move on while others keep it as a permanent reminder.
For you and your wife, try to give each other other space to grieve while making sure you still check in on each other and support one another. Miscarriages are a lot more frequent than you may think unless you have one (about 25% of pregnancies) but they are still difficult. As with most grief, just take one day at a time.
Very sorry for your loss. Just know that it happens waaay more than people talk about. My wife and I lost one in between our two kids. It hurts, but you’ll get through this.
I’m so sorry for your loss.
Support your wife. Do things without her asking (make meals, clean). Importantly, make sure she knows that you’re experiencing grief as well, and that she isn’t alone. Miscarriage is unfortunately more common than people realize. Please be gentle and kind with yourselves. It’s OK to feel a rollercoaster of emotions.
One thing I did for the first few years after my losses was recognize them by lighting a candle for the wave of light: https://babyloss-awareness.org/wave-of-light/
“Do things without her asking (make meals, clean)”
I can’t emphasize this enough.
When I had a miscarriage my husband took care of everything around the house. Literally everything. For one week I only had to worry about myself. I had 24 hours a day to do wathever I needed in that moment. No cleaning, cooking, feeding the cats, not having to remember any chores that needed to be done. That was the best he could have done and I was so thankful for it.After one week i started working again and slowly helping out more and more until thing went back to normal.
Being able to only worry about myself for a whole week helped so much with my heeling.
- just be there for her maybe a bit more attention pick up some chores around the house she does. Give her some alone time to grieve
- maybe at the same time just your 15 month old out somewhere different, you can give your wife some space too, playground you haven’t been too, ice cream or just out for a meal
- give your self some time to grieve also
- there are more people out there that have been through this the first trimester. 10 percent of all pregnancies miscarry in the first trimester. If you both feel comfortable don’t suffer alone confide in someone else to talk through it. There are also online support groups /r/twoxchromosomes was decent for this.
I found myself in a similar place a few years ago. I ended up putting what was left in a very large, heavy planter that I could take with me when we moved.
