First… It’s Jacobean. This is Lemmy, when in doubt always go bean.

This is indeed a portrait of Johannes Elmer, the inventor of modern glue, circa 1618. The text is whimsical, but in reality things were not well at home for Mr. Elmer as his wealthy dutchess wife had died at the ripe age of 24 and her family always thought Elmer a “dipshit”. He quickly became a pauper and resorted to barbecuing his own horse for sustenance. Unfortunately the remote digital thermometer had not been invented yet and he left his horsey on the barby for far too long whilst mulling wine in his cellar. The sonofabitch melted into a gooey mess that was damn near impossible to clean. He had found many of his fliers he had posted about town advertising his available courtship had fallen down due to low quality tree bark glue, and took to posting them with his melted horse adhesive. However it wasn’t until he offered to try fixing a wealthy merchant’s wagon wheel that had broken after running over a large boned child, that it became suggested that he start marketing his horse-based glue, and thus was born the Elmer’s empire. The wagon wheel, interestingly enough, is still preserved in the Elmer’s museum to this day.

Lol.