THAT’S RIGHT FOLKS, THELAMESAUCE’S JANKIUM EMPORIUM IS REOPENING, RIGHT HERE IN YOUR OWN FRONT FEDERATED DOOR!

We’ve closed up shop over at reddit and we’ve just finished moving all our merchandise here - AND WE’RE READY TO GIVE YOU UNBELIEVABLE DEALS ON THE JANIEST JANK YOU’VE EVER SEEN!

Do you strive to confuse your opponent when they open with a [[Thoughtseize]] and don’t recognize a single card in your hand?

Do you get no joy out of winning a game simply because you curved out with evasive threats before your opponent could stabilize?

Do you dream about that one rare you managed to open 3 or 4 of and you just want to build something that showcases it?

WELL COME ON DOWN TO THE JANKIUM EMPORIUM FOR ALL YOUR JANKIEST NEEDS!

I’ve got something extra special for those high-rollers out there that just got wilcards out the wazoo ready to burn a virtual hole in your virtual pocket. I’m talkin’ the biggest deck you ever laid eyes on. It’s got everything.

Boardwipes Spot removal POWerful spellls Card advantage Ramp Reanimator Yesseree this here decck does it all! Now, I hear you saying, “but what ties this deck all together, it sounds like it’s just a pile of random cards?” Well my friend, this here deck is all about LEGENDS. That’s right, this deck has got legendary status written all over it! you’lll be the talk of the town as you ultimate [[Kaya the Inexorable]] and play whatver legendary spell you want, totally and completely mana-cost-free! You enemies will cower as you cast [[Primeval’s Glorious Rebirth]] and bring dozens of legendary creatures, artifacts, and PLANESwalkers back from beyond the grave! You’ll feel untouchable as your [[Angel of Suffering]] keep you upright while your foes feably fall to their knees.

I know I’ve got your interest with this one folks, but I’m afraid the decklist is just TOO BIG to share on the showroom floor here. I’ll have too take y’all round the commments section to get a looksie.

In the meantime, I’ve got something extra special for our loyal customers and new folk alike:

In honor of our grand reopening, we are marking down all our old decklists - not half price. Not 75% off

AB-SO-LOOTLEE FREE

Now you look like a mage that isn’t quite sure what your favorite color of mana is. WELL HOW ABOUT ALL OF 'EM?

Get ready to draw an enormous number of cards off [[Tome of the Guildpact]] because this deck here has TWENTY-THREE multicolor cards to trigger it!

I can see you got your doubts about a 5-color deck, but I’ll tell you my friend, with 4 [[Incubation Druid]] paired with 5 lands that tap for any color and 3 [[Chromatic Lantern]] you’ll rarely have mana issues.

How’s the deck win? I’M GLAD YOU ASKED! You see the 2 [[Rythm of the Wild]]? That there is gonna GARE-ANN-TEE you hit your opponent with your [[Etrata]] or your [[Thief of Sanity]]. You smell that? That there is card advantage and a win condition all in one!

5-Color Etrata, the Jankencer

4 Incubation Druid (RNA) 131

3 Etrata, the Silencer (GRN) 170

1 Niv-Mizzet, Parun (GRN) 192

2 Lazav, the Multifarious (GRN) 184

3 Thief of Sanity (GRN) 205

2 Deputy of Detention (RNA) 165

1 Hydroid Krasis (RNA) 183

2 Thought Erasure (GRN) 206

4 Discovery // Dispersal (GRN) 223

1 Find // Finality (GRN) 225

2 Absorb (RNA) 151

2 Tome of the Guildpact (RNA) 242

3 Chromatic Lantern (GRN) 233

2 Notion Rain (GRN) 193

2 Rythm of the Wild (RNA) 201

1 Domri, Chaos Bringer (RNA) 166

2 Hinterland Harbor (DAR) 240

1 Woodland Cemetery (DAR) 248

3 Guildmages’ Forum (GRN) 250

1 Field of Ruin (XLN) 254

2 Drowned Catacomb (XLN) 253

1 Evolving Wilds (RIX) 186

2 Overgrown Tomb (GRN) 253

4 Watery Grave (GRN) 259

1 Blood Crypt (RNA) 245

1 Breeding Pool (RNA) 246

2 Gateway Plaza (WAR) 246

1 Plains (WAR) 250

1 Island (WAR) 253

1 Swamp (WAR) 256

1 Mountain (WAR) 259

1 Forest (WAR) 262

SB

2 Gaea’s Blessing (DAR) 161

1 Thought Erasure (GRN) 206

2 Expansion // Explosion (GRN) 224

2 Status // Statue (GRN) 230

2 Absorb (RNA) 151

2 Bedevil (RNA) 157

1 Ethereal Absolution (RNA) 170

2 Consecrate // Consume (RNA) 224

1 Hostage Taker (XLN) 223

Now I hear you, you want a real alternate win condition, not just relying on Etrata to do all the work - well I’ve got just the thing for you.

You hear of Treasure tokens? How about makin a whole mess o tokens? And then winning because you have SO MANY TOKENS?

What that? “I know where you’re going with this, and [[Revel in Riches]] is not good enough to win against T1-2 decks in standard.”

That’s where you’re wrong my friend! With enough planeswalkers, counterspells, and board wipes, I’m here to tell you that you can win with anything.

This deck has SIX board wipes and another THREE in the board! We’ve got SEVEN counterspells, including the on-brand [[Spell Swindle]] for those sweet, sweet Treasure tokens.

You know what my favorite thing is about Treasure tokens? You can play ANY color! That’s right, we’re running FIVE off-color planeswalkers to cast off those treasure tokens!

Fool your opponent into thinking you’re just a run-of-the-mill control deck, then surprise them with your Revel in Riches out of nowhere!

When this deck gets going, you’ll always have counter magic up to keep yourself protected, and you’ll always have a way to reset the board when your opponent lands a spooky creature!

Treasure Cruise

2 Teferi, Hero of Dominaria (DAR) 207

1 Narset, Parter of Veils (WAR) 61

2 Dovin’s Veto (WAR) 193

3 The Eldest Reborn (DAR) 90

1 Angrath, the Flame-Chained (RIX) 152

2 Spell Swindle (XLN) 82

2 Treasure Map (XLN) 250

1 Vraska, Relic Seeker (XLN) 232

1 Revel in Riches (XLN) 117

2 Search for Azcanta (XLN) 74

4 Dire Fleet Hoarder (XLN) 102

1 Negate (RIX) 44

1 Tezzeret, Artifice Master (M19) 79

2 Devious Cover-Up (GRN) 35

3 Ritual of Soot (GRN) 84

2 Ral, Izzet Viceroy (GRN) 195

1 Karn, Scion of Urza (DAR) 1

1 Vraska, Golgari Queen (GRN) 213

2 Smothering Tithe (RNA) 22

3 Kaya’s Wrath (RNA) 187

1 Godless Shrine (RNA) 248

2 Hallowed Fountain (RNA) 251

2 Plains (WAR) 250

2 Island (WAR) 253

2 Swamp (WAR) 256

1 Mountain (WAR) 259

1 Forest (WAR) 262

1 Isolated Chapel (DAR) 241

4 Watery Grave (GRN) 259

4 Drowned Catacomb (XLN) 253

1 Field of Ruin (XLN) 254

4 Glacial Fortress (XLN) 255

2 Evolving Wilds (RIX) 186

SB:

2 Cleansing Nova (M19) 9

1 Devious Cover-Up (GRN) 35

1 Price of Fame (GRN) 83

4 Thought Erasure (GRN) 206

1 Kaya’s Wrath (RNA) 187

1 The Wanderer (WAR) 37

1 Ashiok, Dream Render (WAR) 228

2 Blink of an Eye (DAR) 46

2 Vraska’s Contempt (XLN) 129

I can tell those decks weren’t quite spicy enough for you - you, you’re a mage of class! You deserve the best! You deserve to punish your opponent simply by drawing cards!

Let’s start off with the centerpiece of the deck, [[Satyr Enchanter]]. With this guy, you’re gonna be drawing cards like you wouldn’t believe - there’s a grand total of TWENTY-TWO enchantments ready to generate real value, and another NINE enchantments in the board.

Between [[Ixalan’s Binding]] and [[Seal Away]] you’ll have no trouble dealing with your opponent’s threats while drawing more and more cards.

What are we going to do with all that card draw? Well my friend, we’re going to eviscerate our opponent using [[Psychic Corrosion]] of course!

Not drawing enough cards by just casting enchantments? Well that’s what [[Patient Rebuilding]] and powerhouse [[Nezahal]] are for! Draw cards forever!

I present to you the peak of standard cheesing:

Bant Enchantress Mill

2 Search for Azcanta (XLN) 74

4 Glacial Fortress (XLN) 255

2 Patient Rebuilding (M19) 67

4 Psychic Corrosion (M19) 68

4 Gift of Paradise (M19) 184

4 Satyr Enchanter (M19) 223

2 Chemister’s Insight (GRN) 32

3 Devious Cover-Up (GRN) 35

4 Temple Garden (GRN) 258

2 Wilderness Reclamation (RNA) 149

1 Consecrate // Consume (RNA) 224

3 Breeding Pool (RNA) 246

2 Hallowed Fountain (RNA) 251

2 Plains (WAR) 250

1 Island (WAR) 253

2 Forest (WAR) 262

3 Hinterland Harbor (DAR) 240

4 Seal Away (DAR) 31

1 Teferi, Hero of Dominaria (DAR) 207

1 Nezahal, Primal Tide (RIX) 45

3 Settle the Wreckage (XLN) 34

3 Sunpetal Grove (XLN) 257

4 Ixalan’s Binding (XLN) 17

SB

3 Cleansing Nova (M19) 9

1 Nexus of Fate (M19) 306

3 Conclave Tribunal (GRN) 6

2 Eyes Everywhere (RNA) 38

2 Mass Manipulation (RNA) 42

2 Verity Circle (RNA) 58

2 Lawmage’s Binding (RNA) 190