We visited my 83-year-old mom yesterday and let her know that we were going to use my dual citizenship to get to the UK to protect my queer daughter if Trump wins. She didn’t like the idea but didn’t say much. Then a short time ago I got this email.
Dear [MY NAME]
I know you are very worried about [DAUGHTER]'s safety if Trump wins. Here is what I want to say:
You have lived in a very privileged, unusual time with more stability than usual. People in the US and elsewhere have been able to say publicly who and what they are.
That was not true for much of history and for at least half of my life.
What did people do before?
They hid who they were, with few exceptions.
We are in a time of transition, and there may be no safe place in the world.
Certainly not England or Europe (both are becoming more fascist).
The best way to protect [DAUGHTER] is to teach her she may have to choose how public or private she is in the near future.
Up until now, you have helped her be public about who she is.
That privilege may be over.
And it may have given her a false impression.
If Trump wins, all of us are going to have to decide between resistance and safety.
To be safe, just obey the (new) rules.
Being hysterical just draws attention–the worst thing in a dictatorship.
Hiding can be literal (like building a false wall in your house) or political (like staying quiet and unobtrusive.)
Let’s wait and see what happens in this election before deciding how to protect [DAUGHTER]…
Love,
Mom
Not only is my mother apparently blissfully unaware that queer people who were closeted got thrown in jail for it all the time anyway. She also seems to be unaware that my daughter has no problem telling people she’s queer. She has no problem with me doing it and sharing things like pictures of her girlfriend with friends and family online.
Which means that Trump’s administration could very easily figure out who she is.
But yeah, my mother thinks the solution to protecting my daughter from Trump is for her to go into the closet and hope no one finds out.
For fuck’s sake. I know she’s an old lady, but it’s 2024.
What would she say if my daughter’s mother was Latina? Wear pancake makeup and color contacts? Change her name to something not-Spanish?
I’m not even going to bother replying.
As someone from the outside, your mother’s email reads rational, level-headed and pragmatic.
Please read some of the other comments people have made. Because you really need to.
While I also read the email as pragmatic, I don’t read it as kind or loving. It reads like a letter written out of fear. I don’t think your daughter should have to hide who she is to be safe, but I would also want your child to be safe.
I hope you can hold at least two truths about this letter in your head. It isn’t right to expect LGBT people to hide who they are for safety. And also, a worried family member wants their family to be safe, even if they don’t know the right way for that to happen.
She’s welcome to be as worried as she likes.
I haven’t cut off all contact with her. I texted her about something unrelated to this like half an hour ago and we were joking about it.
Wrong takeaway from “The Diary of Anne Frank.”
Right? And she’s Jewish! Former president of her temple!
I think I just dented my forehead facepalming so hard. Good luck with everything!
Thank you!
“Dictatorships are bad, so make sure to obey them” is a weird stance.
“Don’t stand out” doesn’t help when they are actively trying to identify everyone who doesn’t meet their criteria for deserving pesky things like “rights” or “dignity”
Agreed.
That is an incredibly frustrating email to have received. One thing really stands out to me though:
You have lived in a very privileged, unusual time
That privilege may be over.
It’s not a fucking privilege! It’s a basic human right!
On a more fundamental level though, she’s clearly scared, and I don’t blame her. But ye, her conclusions about what to do about that are bass ackwards.
i’m not following usa politics too closely, i know trump is crazy… but is it really becoming illegal to be queer?
No because he isn’t president yet.
If he is? Very probably based on everything his cronies have been saying. Up to and including things like genocide.
“Michael Knowles—right-wing political commentator associated with the Daily Wire—said “for the good of society … transgenderism must be eradicated from public life entirely” at the Conservative Political Action Conference Saturday afternoon.”
My daughter is not trans, but that’s just the first step.
Just reading that makes me want to go nuclear.
My mother is somewhat conservative, from a religious standpoint, but she always emphasized to me growing up that resistance to tyranny and succor to the oppressed, even if you are the only one who sees it, is innately righteous. That you cannot ever stand silent and obey the rules just because ‘that’s how it’s done’. You don’t have to be a martyr, but you must never be a coward. And she emphasized this even in matters I disagreed with her on.
Not replying to this specific email is probably the best response you can give, in all respects.
If you suggested my mother was in any way conservative or bigoted, she would throw a fit.
I ran into that before with my parents. It hits hard when you realize they are just people with their own flaws.
What a snowflake
Fuck yes. Well put.
You don’t have to be a martyr, but you must never be a coward.
Reminds me of when I was told being out as a lesbian was “decadent.” 🙄
Man that email is frustrating as hell. You’re doing right by your daughter.
Thank you!
“I’m sorry mom, but I’m not going to play it by ear when my daughter’s safety is a concern. Nor am I going to have her hide like a jew in nazi Germany.”
We already moved, the risks are too high for my family of he wins. We won’t be moving back.
Good luck with your decision and I am proud of you for being there for your daughter!
Thank you!
Omg, stay and suffer and potentially die under a fascist government? What a terrible thing to read. I’m so sorry. You keep being a good dad, your kid’s going to grow up all right.
Thanks. I hope so.
I don’t agree with your mom at all, but I think she means better than that came across. Ultimately, you can’t fix stupid in anyone else; only yourself. You can only inspire another’s curiosity or learning. Short of that, you must use suppression and force.
I’m not a pro gun nut, or anything like that. In a world where guns are common, they represent a good option, especially for people of diversity.
I’m somewhat warped by my life experience of having to tip toe around cult like religious zealots just to survive with a roof and food due to my physical disability and family. I’m forced to straddle both sides of this type of reasoning. You can’t fix stupid in anyone else; only yourself, is how I escaped to atheism in the first place and defied my entire upbringing and social network using my own independent thought and reasoning. Trying to change my family only ostracizes me. Their beliefs are not logical. So any amount of reasoning is pointless. They are simply not smart enough or motivated to question the foolish nonsense they accepted as toddlers. Such stupidity is very common in the general population.
I think the big picture is WW3 coming within the next 10 years. The calculous for China to invade Taiwan and end their civil war is between 2027-2030. If they do not, it will likely become impossible. IMO, all the things happening at the present make far more sense if this is the inevitable future. Israel is barricading against a broader Islamic threat from all sides. I expect Putin’s Russia to be the first to calculate and take action when the world order is changing. NK has shown this hand of cards on the world stage already. China is the primary force around Taiwan ready to end their civil war. Türkiye is poised to swing sides and take several Greek islands and Cypress. Egypt is poised to take Ethiopia. The artificial infighting and boarders from the post WW2 middle east are a massive powderkeg. If all erupt into conflict at the same time, nothing will stop them.
The world wars were largely driven by banking. The major world shift of the present was sent into motion shortly after the US fed raised interest rates for the first time in ages. The events in Ukraine and Israel make far more sense if they are calculous for a WW3. I don’t know if I’d rather be in the US or UK under this pretense, but ignorant stupidity and dogmatism are a common cultural thread when massive conflicts happen. Even Turing wasn’t safe for the idle hands of one of these cultures.
I don’t mean to be negative, but I expect the worst and hope for the best to surprise me.
I know she means well, but it has also been clear to me since we let her know that our daughter was queer that there was a level of disapproval (and originally disbelief) that she was not saying out loud.
Which is funny, because my brother’s best friend and my former best friend (that’s another story) are both gay men. They were each best man at our weddings. My mom had no issue.
I guess when it’s your own grandchild it’s different? I don’t know.
YOU DON’T EVER HAVE TO LET THIS PERSON INTO YOUR LIFE AGAIN
You don’t ever have to suffer any email, phonecall, text, letter, complaint, insult, false claim, insane denial, or outright threat.
I give you permission. You can let this poisoner do their work elsewhere. It isn’t your responsibility. They chose their side & it wasn’t you. They’re never, ever gonna hear the truth.
Don’t let them bleed any more out of you. Someone else deserves it MUCH more.
