I don’t have kids but I’m happily living in a poly marriage and can probably answer some questions.

It’s a real thing and believe it or not, for some people it just works. Some people just aren’t jealous in nature and don’t really care about exclusivity.

The only thing of immediate concern I’d look for is making sure they’re using protection or getting tested, because the web of people that slept with eachother increases exponentially with the number of partners.

The next one on the list is making sure it’s ethical (lookup terms: “ethical non-monogamy” or ENM for short). Some do take it as a free pass for cheating. Some get coerced into it because the man wants all the girls for himself. Another toxic trait to watch out for is the “one penis policy” that’s very unfair for a lot of reasons I won’t go into. She needs to willingly be into this and consenting with the whole situation in a way that is fair for her, ie. she should be allowed to get a second boyfriend too if she wanted to. Polyamory is not polygamy: all are equal, it’s not for the benefit of the man. All 3 of them showing up at dinner and happy is a good sign though.

Other than that, it’s all good and nothing to worry about. It’s different, but the only thing wrong with it is the stigma really. It can be perfectly healthy and happy, and honestly when done right it can be less dramatic too. There’s some weird heartbreaks that can come with it, but she’ll live through it and make up her own mind about it just like any normal teenage relationship. The worst that can happen is she gets jealous and get a more traditional relationship. In the meantime I’d be supportive and ask good faith questions about it.

Also there’s a decent possibility she’s bisexual, just sayin’.

Let me know if you have any other questions!

17 is the correct age to try things and find your own place within the world. I’m glad young people have the ability to try things like this, or same sex relationships or whatever. I’d say it’s hard enough to express oneself and find out who you are.

You might also check out the book “More Than One”. Polyamory is a beautiful relationship style that I have seen done very well and very poorly, just like traditional relationships. Triads can sometimes be problematic when one part of the relationship is preestablished. Balancing everyone’s needs is difficult and people screw up all the time. If this guy is able to date outside the relationship, is she also able to enjoy that same priviledge? How about the other girl? Who sets the rules in the relationship and how is it handled when one person disagrees with the others on something? How do you respond to " you always side with (other partner)". Polyamory is hard work. Not sure what country/state you are in, but birth control could become an issue for her. As with any relationship subculture/orientation/style I am concerned for my poly friends and what the future holds for them and doubly concerned for the women.

I think the only thing you can do is remind her to be careful with her heart, and be really honest with herself about what she wants. I.e. Does she want him, or her, or does she want them both because there is twice the potential to be hurt when there are twice the number of partners.

Anything more than that will risk alienation.

If I was a mother to a poly teen, I’d welcome them as if it were any kind of relationship. People who prefer a type of relationship typically do so because something in it is beneficial (obviously). Poly relationships are no different from LGBT ones where there is a driving force towards it, and there’s nothing “wrong” with it. The rules of love are what the participants make of it and agree on (look up relationship anarchy).

My advice is to learn a lot as much as you can about polyamory, and how to go about it in a healthy succesful way. Until you’re equiped to understand how different the relationship dynamics can be it will be hard to give useful advice or support, or know when things are not in a good place.

Polyamory can be a perfectly reasonable and healthy, if untraditional way of doing relationships, but it can also very easily be unhealthy, especially if the relationship is polyamorous for the wrong reason.

Ultimately what would be most important to me is that my kid is healthy and emotionally safe, and until you know enough to evaluate those things, it will be very hard to know whether your kid is in a good spot and navigating a style of relationship you’re unfamiliar with, or being taken advantage of while navigating something that is also likely very new for them, or somewhere in between as everyone involved navigates uncharted territories as young adults, making mistakes along the way (which to be fair, is developmentally normal.)

I very much agree with the other comment about twice the risk. I had a very painful experience with attempting to be poly when it was a poor fit for me and my then-partner, but I have friends who are poly who are profoundly happy to have found the type of relationship that is fulfilling and feels right for them 🤷‍♂️. Its not for everyone, and there are definitely ways of going about it that are likely to end in heartache, but for many people it’s a revelation that there are no rules for love, and that they’re free to assemble whatever type of relationship they feel is right for them.

I wish you the best friend, parenting a child who is neavigating things you are fundamentally unprepared to help with because they’re alien to you is more than a little bit scary. The best you can do is learn a lot, try to understand where they are, and try to support them in building a healthy life with healthy relationships, even if it doesn’t make a ton of sense to you.

My gf and I are poly. She has a gf. It doesn’t bother me at all. You should talk to your husband; his resentment isn’t necessary. It sounds like everyone (your daughter, her bf, his gf) are all aware of the situation and consenting. What’s the issue?

Ask them all to get tested

Polyamory is more common these days. It may be experimentation or real for her - only she can decide that. Be there for her, try to not to seem judgemental or negative so that she can trust you and be open with you if things do go wrong. That also means being accepting if this goes right for her.

I do wonder whether you are misinterpreting what you are seeing too.

You are seeing the guy as in control of this and bringing his 2nd girlfriend along. But actually she brought her boyfriend and a girl to dinner at home. Is your daughter also trying to tell you she is in a relationship with the girl too? Was it her boyfriend and her girlfriend?

It does seems odd to bring the girl to meet you if she was purely his girlfriend. Maybe she is more to your daughter than that or maybe she was trying to get a rise out of you? Or maybe she just wanted you to understand how the Polyamory thing works?

I do understand your reluctance around this, and your likely worries for your daughter. It’s easy to see her as being the “victim” of her boyfriends wants. But she does have agency and she has chosen this lifestyle - so I think you have to let it play out and be cautious about expressing your concerns too hard as it may push her away.

Be there for her - it’s very important to keep being her support network and not inadvertently isolate her if you disapprove of her lifestyle. You need to be the ones who are there for her no matter what and where she comes for advice and support if this does goes wrong.

How modern…… Id be horrified. And offer my full support.

Anything else risks alienation and you can’t do anything for her if she kicks you out of her tent.

You will want to protect her from heartbreak, but you can’t do that. And I dont necessarily think a poly heartbreak would be any worse than monogamous heartbreak . Just keep her close and help her navigate her feelings.

However I would not let her get away with an unannounced extra guest. That’s just rude ./s

Polyamourous relations are a thing. If your daugther is okay with it and happy, that’s all what matters.

Why is it a big deal ? Many guys have relations with multiple women at the same time but just hide it. I’d rather live in a relation where the exclusivity/polyamourous thing is discussed before. This can’t be a good judgement criteria, since if he was a cheater, your husband would see a loyal, monogamous boy and would appreciate him more but, in secret, the daughter’s boyfriend would be a complete bastard. 🤷

First off, if you don’t want to be a shitty parent, it’s not your choice at all. Now, for a 17-year-old, I can’t really say that they truly understand what it means to be poly, but it sounds like you don’t either. The only thing not being supportive is going to accomplish is pushing your daughter away.

Best resource I’ve found for what it “means” to be poly, https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/52569124-polysecure

I say “means” because love is a spectrum and there’s no true definition.

Well, just another kind of non-traditional relationship. If it’s consensual between all 3 of them, then how I feel about it doesn’t matter. It may be a harmful relationship indeed, but it also may not. Just like any other relationship.
But, the more you show her that you are not okay about her being in such a relationship, the less she’ll tell you in such case. Plus it is also harmful on its own.

Listen, I would let it play out. Show her you trust her and love her, but be there for her when inevitably, feelings of strong jealousy or unfairness creep in. That is very difficult to handle for adults, let alone 17yos. More often than not this kind of scenario doesn’t work out. Not to say it’s inevitable, but, it’s not easy to be in one, and it certainly isn’t everyone’s cup of tea. My own jealousy was difficult to face. An emotion which many of us don’t have to fight with often. It’s surprisingly strong. Took me years to work on and even still it affects.