I was diagnosed bipolar more than 20!years ago and have been on a slow but painful decline since.

On and off meds (More than 50 at last count), in and out of treatment, inpatient and out.

I have a kid, the most amazing little thing in the world. They are 10 now, their incredibly abusive mom and I having split and a nasty divorce 5 years ago.

I have the most amazing partner, they are supportive, caring, just. I am so fucking lucky.

So lucky that when my job was on the verge of killing me, after a stay in the hospital because they thought I had a heart attack, they grabbed my hand and said let’s jump. Encouraging me to quit a well paid career in IT.

Now I’m waiting on disability, I tried to work up the courage to apply for some entry level retail jobs just to give me something else to do and I panic. So bad sometimes I’m reaching for the Ativan.

I was abused by my parents, raped by a priest and a camp counselor, I was nearly killed in some gang stupidity and had to testify and make myself and family a target as a kid. My second wife was so abusive I ended up shutting down my entire personality. I slept on the floor, with my dog, because I wasn’t allowed on the bed. During the divorce I was accused of sexually abusing my kid by my ex, and for that lie I spent more than 4 weeks not being able to even talk to them. At 5.

I am so tired. So tired of struggling, just to survive to hurt more. I have no plans to solve that because I can’t leave earth while my child breathes, leaving them to be raised just by their mom would be disastrous. I can easily imagine them going to back to the cult compound they moved into when they left, and becoming another sexual assault victim of my kids grandfather, along side his other daughter he’s been fucking since she was 12.

I don’t even know why I’m posting this. I can’t really talk to anyone around me about it. I feel needy and bothersome.

Fuck this sucks

  • @[email protected]
    10•4 days ago

    You’re worth loving, and I bet your kiddo and partner love you. You are worthy of rest and to feel good. I don’t know how you get here but I know of three people just from your story who are better off having had you in their lives - your kiddo, your partner, and you.

    You can do this! One step at a time.

    • @[email protected]OPEnglish
      3•4 days ago

      I appreciate what you are saying, and I know I am loved. I know what I deserve even.

      How long is reasonable for me to wait before I give up on feeling any kind of peace? As it stands, I have 8 years before I can even consider any other options.

      Started with the cutting and suicidal ideation as a teen, and now I’m in my mid 40s now. I don’t really even know if I know what it feels like to be happy. I just keep pretending everything is ok, under the surface I’m screaming for someone to put me out of my misery. Willing my heart to stop when I’m not otherwise engaged. Wishing I wouldn’t wake up every night before sleep. And all desperately knowing that would be the worst for my child. But.

      When does it get to be my turn to stop hurting.

      • @Tayb
        2•4 days ago

        I’m only in my mid 30s, but for me, I’ve never once had peace find me unless I’m neglecting something, but I’ve found it plenty of times in different ways. Mostly through various creative hobbies, but for me I’m at peace when I’m creating something. If there’s anything that gave you a spark of “huh, interesting” give it a try. Could be a creative hobby, could just be reading or watching cheesy b-movies. The point is to give you something to do to trigger the good brain chemicals.

        I’d highly recommend a therapist if you aren’t seeing one already. As regularly as you can, since they can help you offload and work through your feelings and thoughts to keep you pointed at the path. Find a practice that isn’t licensed to prescribe medication if you’re worried about getting put on another med, and don’t be afraid to shop around. Like a partner, it can take a few tries to find the right therapist.

        • @[email protected]OPEnglish
          1•4 days ago

          I am grateful that you have found things that bring you peace.

          Unfortunately ADHD is in my mix, I am a serial hobby abandoner. Scuba diving, guitar, synth, piano, glass work, neon bending, painting, drawing, 3d modeling, fly tieing, I could go on. Nothing ever sticks or even feels like it moves the needle.

          I’ve been in and out of therapy for almost 30 years now, CBT, EMDR, Neurofeedback, DBT, psychodynamic, I’m sure I can’t remember more. Have been seen by doctors from coast to coast here in the US.

          My frustration is that everyone keeps telling me to keep trying. What’s left? I’ve asked about ECT, but my nobody wants to take a risk with my cluster of issues. They won’t even entertain a lobotomy.

          At this point I’m on a handful of bullshit, including ketamine and psilocybin, just trying to alleviate something. All I get is two brief periods a week where it’s not crushing, but I’m too out of it to really enjoy it.

          I appreciate the advice, I’ve been trying. I really have.

  • @k2r
    3•4 days ago

    Have you tried non-meds therapy like CBT? There are some amazing resources nowadays around that

    • @[email protected]OPEnglish
      1•4 days ago

      I have, all kinds of therapies over nearly 30 years, and with doctors and therapists from coast to coast in the US.

      I’ve yet to find a therapist that helps. I’ve had some that I didn’t like, and moved on, but even the good ones haven’t been helpful.