LocoCycle, despite its appearance, is not actually a racing game, but an action/adventure fighting game that happens to take place on the open road.

LocoCycle opens with a live action B-movie cinematic. We get a few of these cinematic cutscenes throughout the game. We see important military leaders from China, Russia, Africa, and America, along with a ton of other guests in elegant formal wear, gathering at a secret formal event in Nicaragua. It’s a gallery held by the arms dealer Big Arms, to show off two new motorcycles: the sentient combat bikes S.P.I.K.E. and I.R.I.S., with advanced AI and powerful weaponry. The bikes will be auctioned off to the highest bidder.

Yes, that is James Gunn in the background. He plays the host of this event, showing off the two bikes. The girl in blue (Lisa Foiles) actually performed the AI voice for I.R.I.S., and S.P.I.K.E. was voiced by Robert Patrick, the guy who played the T-1000 in Terminator 2: Judgment Day.

A thunderstorm starts brewing and the party is moved indoors. Some armed guards are asked to move the bikes to the garage, but while one steps away to take a call, I.R.I.S. is hit by lightning!

We’re then introduced to I.R.I.S.’ mechanic, Pablo, who is asked to repair her. Her circuitry is fried and she needs to be fixed up before the auction begins. Pablo only speaks Spanish throughout the entire game, which makes it impossible for him to communicate with I.R.I.S., whose database of 5,000 languages is now corrupted. If you don’t know Spanish, make sure you turn on subtitles!

While Pablo is fixing her up, I.R.I.S. scans the magazine he was reading, then watches a commercial on the nearby TV about a Freedom Rally being held at the fairgrounds in Scottsburg, Indiana. She’s inspired by the ad’s tagline: “Live Free. Ride Alive.”

She decides she needs to find this rally in Scottsburg, IN and she invites Pablo to tag along. Problem is, Pablo’s pant leg is caught on I.R.I.S.’ rear wheel frame. When she takes off, he finds himself dragged along!

The rest of the game is I.R.I.S. racing to find Scottsburg, IN while dragging Pablo on the pavement behind her. That trip is over 3,000 miles long! I hope Pablo is wearing some durable britches.

I.R.I.S. breaks out of the Big Arms facility and is quickly pursued by men in black suits and heavy firearms.

You’ll quickly notice that I.R.I.S. drives on her own, and you only control her other functions. You can steer her back and forth, attack with front or rear wheels (Pablo himself usually being the rear-wheel attack), shoot unlimited rounds from her forward guns, and boost forward for a limited time.

Despite occasionally aiding I.R.I.S. in combat, Pablo insists that he’s being dragged along against his will. He begs for help from anyone who comes after them, but is mostly ignored as they do everything they can to take down I.R.I.S.

There are several types of enemies you’ll encounter. The armed men in black being the most prevalent, but there are also guys with jet packs, helicopters, and even rocket launchers. I.R.I.S. can counter all their attacks with quick-time events, including throwing rockets back at their launcher.

S.P.I.K.E. himself will come for I.R.I.S., but she refuses to go home with him. So he resolves to take her out and you get a boss fight with him.

When S.P.I.K.E. realizes that Pablo is a “powerful human ally” in I.R.I.S.’ escape, he decides to get his own human companion. He grabs the first lady he finds at a campground, who willingly goes along with him despite being dragged on her back for miles of gravel and pavement.

Oh, and I’m pretty sure I.R.I.S. is just holding onto Pablo; he’s not actually stuck. Because she can throw him like a ninja star to attack ranged enemies! He always boomerangs back to her and ends up with his pant leg “stuck” on her again.

Because I.R.I.S. is technically malfunctioning, there are times when she might shut down completely and stop in the middle of the road. Then Pablo has a limited amount of time to fix her up before a pursuing semi truck catches up and runs them both over.

It’s a little tricky moving Pablo around until he finds problems to fix, but the various fixes themselves are relatively easy to complete.

This is an extremely campy and silly game, but very fun to play! Combat is mostly button-mashing and swerving around obstacles on the road, with some quick-time events to either counter an attack or dodge an obstacle. There are three skill trees to improve I.R.I.S. and Pablo’s abilities, and the more stuff you unlock, the easier the game becomes. The whole game is 5 levels with 3 missions per level, plus a final boss fight level. You could probably beat the whole thing in a few hours of gameplay.

Here’s a shot of S.P.I.K.E. eating a sweet corn and black raspberry buttermilk ice cream cone: