sucide note
My life just hasn’t gone well, I’ve made plan to kill myself on Jan 5th, nothing in the past couple of years has worked out, and I feel like a failure. I’ve tried so many times to remain positive but I’ve always been met with disappointment. And I’m tired of being unhappy I’m gonna try to list most of my disappointments in order to reason than talk a bit about my plan
The beginning is a grew up knowing I was trans, I always related more to the girls and wanted to hang out with them and be one, when I was 14 I realized I was transgender, at 20 I started HRT. My original goal was I was gonna look somewhat like a women at least, none of that happened, I very much still look male. I also went to college and graduated with a degree in computer information systems with honors, I worked tirelessly, now I work at Walmart with zero chance of career advancement, if I miss even one day I’m fired since I’m at 4 points. I had to work though the flu a couple of weeks ago, and very recently I bought a car, I was really happy and excited. Today I realize it has an issue with a break equator which on the 2007 pruis is a total loss.
On top of all of this historically people are only my friend cause they feel bad, they often times have admitted to me they thought I was annoying but thought I was “mentally disabled” I’m autistic and I’ve never really been loved by anyone.
I called my mother and said I wanted to die, but all she did is panic and said if I killed myself over everything in my life I’m stupid, and she would also kill herself. I just feel like nothing in my life has ever worked out. Nothing ever worked out.
My plan now is to clean my room, up to moving out standards, on the day off, im gonna wake up, take a shower, and drive to academy and express interest into a hunting pistol. Im gonna do research into what animal. This is to ensure they don’t get suspicious about me buying a gun and they seem to think I know what I’m doing. Once I’ve secured the gun I’m gonna drive to a parking lot that is empty during the week about 40 minutes outside of downtown, and I will call 911 and explain I found a dead body when asked details I will hang up, and I will pull. The trigger, pointing the gun at the center of my head.
My car, my 6k in debt, and my horrible life is will all be a distant memory. Do I think my roommates might cry and do I think my mother might do it. Yes I’m sorry I’ve tired. My father abused me. My mom depended on me emotionally. I was dealt this hand and I’m guessing the universe doesn’t want me to exist. Maybe in another universe something worked out, I had a life with love and a family. A childhood that was okay. People who liked me. I’m so sorry to everyone who is reading this after the fact…
You should also seek therapy. It may come off as cliche, but having someone to talk to is incredibly therapeutic.
99.9% of crisis lines in the us are eaither inaccessible or call the cops on suicidal people since only the ones that calls cops get funding
That’s not true, at all. There’s even a Trans-specific number listed. Help is available, you just need to seek it out.
That line never picks up I know what your talking about
Try a different crisis line, please. If you didn’t want help, you wouldn’t have made this post. We want to help you are going to have to dig down and find the strength to also help yourself. It may seem impossible, but it is not. I’ve been through this.
It just seems impossible, I’m also a peice of shit, no one should miss me, people will but abusers can be loved unfortunately. I’m definitely going to hell when I pull that trigger if he’ll exist
I know it seems impossible, but it’s actually not. That’s the awful part of this that you need help with. If you can find the strength to ask for help to see things differently, then you can do this. I did it, so I know it’s possible.
I don’t believe in an afterlife because we have no credible evidence of one. This may be the only existence we get, as screwed up and confusing as it is. We should all try to make the best of this life.
I just had to put my dog down on New Year’s Day. She was happy and fine, and then she suddenly wasn’t. One day you and I might also suddenly find ourselves facing a terminal illness that doesn’t leave us any more time. Wouldn’t you prefer to be able to say that you lived a full life and found meaning in your existence at the end of your journey?
If you do this, you’ll never have a chance to try again.
I know this world is shit but you’re still young. A lot can still happen between now and when you’ll die of old age or climate change. Hell we might have a revolution soon! Don’t you want to see that shit? I’ve got 3 or 4 times your debt and no job but I’m eating popcorn and watching the world end on my terms. Pull up a lawn chair!
I am not in any way qualified to speak to suicidal people, so I apologize in advance if I seem to lack a sufficient amount of compassion.
I know someone who was suicidal, and attempted suicide a couple times. They underwent ketamin therapy last year and are no longer suicidal. They are overall better off than they were before. This is a person who has been dealt a lot of bad cards in life, and struggles a lot, but now they want to live. So, can you try that before you make a permanent decision for a temporary problem? You can even get Medicare to pay for it.
$6k in debt is nothing. You can pay that off easy. You can get a different job. If you don’t think you can then just file bankruptcy and walk away from it. Your life can change drastically in a short amount of time from very simple things. So what do you have to lose? Put your plans on hold temporarily, and try ketamin therapy. Give it time to work, and give it an honest shot. If it doesn’t work, then you can always go back to your original plan.
I want you to live, and I want you to thrive, and I want you to take what you learned and help other people who feel like you do right now.
Try going to trade school or something before you really consider ending it. I was depressed as fuck in a dead end minimum wage job with a busted car in my mid 20s when I decided to get a government loan for a one year trade school program. It paid for itself and set me up for a lame but acceptable trajectory going into my 30s. I was probably in a better mental state than you are, but still.
Learn to weld or some shit. Focus on the future instead of your shitty past.
I’m kinda convinced nothing will ever work out, I’ll sell this car and go back to taking Lyft every where digging myself deeper and deeepr into debt, my friends will disown me I’ll move back home and keep going deeper and deeper. I’m just prolonging my inevitable death. I rather die now than experience the horrors life will throw at me in 2025
I usually don’t notice my PMs on my mobile client so, jic, I thought I’d let you know here that I PMed you
For the same reason, I’m letting you know here that I messaged you.
I’m sorry to hear it. I wish the world had treated you better.
In case you don’t get notifications for PMs, I also PM’ed you.
