SALISBURY, MD—Emphasizing that it was an integral part of the company’s mission to raise humanely sourced meat, poultry processing giant Perdue Farms announced a new initiative Tuesday to even the playing field by giving guns to chickens. “At Perdue, we always strive to ensure animals are treated with dignity and respect, and today we expand upon that commitment by handing each bird a loaded pistol and allowing them a fair chance to escape,” said Perdue spokesperson Jamie Walton, describing a new policy under which each chicken would be issued a weapon with a single round in the chamber and given an opportunity to kill their captor with a well-placed bullet before they could be taken to slaughter. “They should get one clean shot. That’s just good sportsmanship. So from now on, every chicken in our Perdue facilities will have free and easy access to firearms. We may lose some staff to gunshot wounds, but everyone involved—human or fowl—will have an opportunity to defend themselves. It’s only right.” At press time, sources confirmed a shift in the balance of power at several Perdue processing plants had resulted in thousands of employees being slaughter with assembly-line efficiency.