Disclaimer: I am not diagnosed autistic and don’t officially self identify. The following is just an attempt at understanding the lived experience. Nevertheless I relate to a lot of the experiences of the community and I am researching autism, as much as my energy and time allows for quite some time now. Also my doctor is telling me to look into autism as a possibility. This post is not describing my experience as a whole, but one aspect.

I have a question for people on the spectrum (especially that have masked very heavily) and I am trying to find people that relate to the following:

Did you have problems with your self esteem/ confidence, when it comes to decisions that may involve other people? E.g. you ask a lot if it is ok to do something, like putting your shoes in the hallway in front of my room (this is in a shared apartment). Afterwards I question if I have asked too much and if that was necessary, but also feel guilty, when I don’t ask.

How to make any good decisions if the mask is so ingrained in oneself? I feel like I will never be myself again. I can’t hide myself anymore and I can’t not, if that makes sense.

I wanted to explain more but I don’t have the energy rn. I hope someone understands this. I don’t even know if I’m asking for help or just getting things out of my head…

Edit: The reason I am writing this is because I feel like I don’t have the energy anymore and am starting to relive more and more of the experiences that I had when I was younger and wasn’t accepted most of the time.

Edit2: I didn’t know if the post fits in this community. If it doesn’t, I’ll delete it and post someplace else.