Also my doctor is telling me to look into autism as a possibility. This post is not describing my experience as a whole, but one aspect.

My immediate suspicion is that you’re obviously autistic to them, and they’re being what NTs call “nice”. Another sign is if you want to be autistic. NTs don’t want to be autistic. That’s terrible to them. It is so bad, that there are parents that risk their children’s lives by denying vaccines out of fear of making their kids autistic (vaccines don’t cause autism). To us, being autistic would be a revelation that would answer mostly everything that we’re confused about, so we would be excited to find out we’re autistic.

Here’s a suggestion that may blow your mind:

1. Make a video recording of yourself being interviewed for 10-15 mins on your favorite topic. Something you really like. Don’t watch it yet.
2. Watch two separate videos: one of an NT person being interviewed and another of a “high-functioning” autistic person being interviewed. The topics don’t matter at all. You don’t even have to listen to the message. Instead, look at their gestures, how their eyes move in relation to their speech, and listen to their tone of voice and cadence.
3. Watch your video. Which of the two do you resemble the most?

Did you have problems with your self esteem/ confidence, when it comes to decisions that may involve other people?
E.g. you ask a lot if it is ok to do something, like putting your shoes in the hallway in front of my room (this is in a shared apartment). Afterwards I question if I have asked too much and if that was necessary, but also feel guilty, when I don’t ask.

Yes. All the time. NTs see the social cues that communicate where to put the shoes. We don’t, so we might look for someone that seems liked/integrated and copy their behaviors to avoid upsetting anyone. If that’s not an option, then we have to ask to avoid the possible, “Uh, what do you think you’re doing?”

How to make any good decisions if the mask is so ingrained in oneself?
I feel like I will never be myself again.
I can’t hide myself anymore and I can’t not, if that makes sense.

That’s where I’m at. Taking off the mask means discovering who you are. It’s a bit disorienting without a predetermined path, but that also means endless opportunities. You can be anything! I guess maybe start by creating a list of your most important values and defining them. When you are to make a decision, aim for an outcome that matches your values.

In addition, it was important for me to accept sensory-sensitivity and stop trying to endure every single hardship as a demonstration & training of capacity or accepting that reality is that harsh. It doesn’t have to be harsh because we have technology and accommodations! Wear a soft hoodie, wear noise cancelling headphones, and take time alone away from people to recover. I was burning all of my mental resources on surviving unnecessary hardship, which depleted them so I had none left for when I really needed them in an unavoidable situations. This would result in me acting out of character or making regrettable decisions.

Eventually, I’m guessing I’ll switch from deciding to do what I’m supposed to do to doing what I would like to do, which would mean that is who I am.

Yeah, I can relate to that. Lots of little social rules aren’t obvious to me. Since getting diagnosed, I’m much easier on myself about those struggles though. Before, it was lots of confusion for reasons I didn’t know.

I also relate to “I can’t hide myself and I can’t not.” Getting diagnosed and finding out I’ve been masking my whole life, is a big “well who am I then?” lol. But it’s ok… we’re all wearing masks when it comes down to it. It’s just that autists’ are a bit more “manufactured” to fit in with social norms. So… whether you dx/identify as ASD or not, go easy on yourself, and don’t overthink what others think of you (because nobody’s judging you as much as it feels like it).

I hope that relates to your question a little bit…