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I am occasionally overcome by a sense of grief due to the fact that I will only ever experience my own life.
Fuck you man! I didn’t know but now it bothers me
Eh, this is something you can probably change. In the last few years I’ve done a lot of processing work and am trying to make more intentional choices for myself rather than living the way other people want me to. Now when I meet new people it reminds me that I actually quite like my life and wouldn’t want to trade it for theirs.
Haha sorry! You know what helps a bit? Art. Books, poetry, painting… they can get you real glimpses of the world through someone else’s eyes.
Personally, I like the griefy feeling. Hard to explain, but it makes me feel closer to others.
I think my frustration is rooted in the fact that I don’t get to have enough time or money to try anything to the extent to figure out wtf it is I want to try. Its the ultimate killer to realize I’ll never have enough money set aside to ever even try some of the major things I’ve actually been interested in. My job is in IT and I do have a passion for it, but god damn would I love to own either a game shop or simple store. Something that puts me with the people of my neighborhood, gives me face time, and allows me to build a business with providing them with either a necessity or a hobby they’re excited to get started into.
I would also love that
But I would get bored in 6 months, as I do with every “passion”
…and at the same time, do nothing.
Personally, I’ve struggled with my identity because I didn’t know if medicated me or unmedicated me was the real me. I wasn’t certain for a long time of medicated me was essentially stealing the real me’s body. I went on meds in my early teens so unmedicated me experienced very little life.
Eventually, I just decided I like medicated me more and that unmedicated me would genuinely struggle to enjoy all that life has to offer. I’m still uncertain if medicated me and unmedicated me are different people but that being an open question no longer bothers me.
Yea… I was a philosophy minor in uni - how’d ya guess.
I like different mes on different days. Work days I prefer medicated. Weekend days where I have a lot of activities I want to do, I prefer medicated. Any non-work day where my plans are “be in the woods”, “start drinking at noon”, or “ride the motorcycle for hours” demand an unmedicated me for maximum chaos (or absolutely nothing…I never know until it happens).
I wasn’t on medication until I was a whole ass adult. Even then I was on and off it for a while. When the shortage was at its worst the stress of finding or not knowing if I was getting medication was worse than being unmedicated so I was off it for a while then.
I like both medicated me and chaos agent me. They’re both cool guys for different reasons.
This is really interesting… do you mind explaining what the transition to a medicated you as an adult was like? Was it a process or was it night and day? Did you really “feel” differently or did you just screw up less?
You’re getting the big info dump. It’s not everything, but it’s a lot because this whole topic makes me feel some kind of way. This is your warning.
TL;DR: I don’t feel night and day different but my life is night and day different.
For me going on Adderall for the first time took a week or two to adjust to. I was self medicating on a crazy amount of caffeine at the time and had to taper off to a more normal amount. After that it’s like my brain got quiet. Not empty, but not the thousand competing thoughts dragging me in different directions. I already had coping mechanisms so it’s not like I did that much better. Things got easier. Even my depression subsided because I was just able to get shit done without absolutely exhausting myself and missing out on so much because I didn’t have anything left over in the tank after all the things I had to do.
Suddenly I had energy for some hobbies. I could finish writing and play music. I could learn woodworking. I could learn more than basic motorcycle maintenance. I could learn things that furthered my career. These were all things I had a basic working knowledge of or had started and given up over and over again. I published an album. I wrote for two industry publications that got a pretty wide release. I built things.
Then I went off it. I wrote awesome music that I never finished. I couldn’t build anymore, I didn’t have the focus. I started a hundred projects and despaired that I couldn’t finish shit unless my paycheck counted on it. I didn’t go back to caffeine.
Then I got on Vyvanse. I did all the cool shit I was doing before and finished my projects again. I learned how to be a DJ and how to run sound for live music. I went out and either played or DJed or KDJed 5 nights a week.
Then came the pandemic and the shortages. They’d have one medication and not the other. They’d have the wrong dose. They’d be out. So I gave up and focused on my job. I started playing video games again, which is a nice hobby because I never felt like I was fucking up by not finishing a game. I started riding my motorcycle more and found that when my attention was on not getting run over by cars my mind got quiet again. So I got a bagger as a second motorcycle and started taking longer trips. I spent time in the woods. If I was occupied trying to fish to be able to eat I could concentrate. And I worked with my therapist on more depression coping mechanisms. I forced showers if it had been longer than two days because that was always the onset of not getting out of bed. I lived and died by my notepad because my memory went to hell.
Now I’m back on Adderall XR. I just made an album worth of rock beats for a buddy because he’s recording his own album based on his own demons (he needs it too, but he’s not in a place…I know you’re reading this and I see you, friend…check our shared server storage, all of them are out there). I bought a third motorcycle last month that I’m going to fix up as a project and sell. Except what should have been six months with a dead motorcycle is almost done. I’m playing shows again. I’m running sound for a well known rock band next weekend, filling in for someone who is going on vacation.
It’s not immediately night and day for me, but I feel happier, less stressed, and quieter. So I’m able to actually do the hundred things I started ages ago. No one is waiting on me. I’m so far ahead at work that I’m not going to be doing anything but attending meetings for the next two weeks. I am accomplishing more than I could ever dream without medication.
And on the weekends it’s fun to let the chaos out. I don’t want it quiet in my brain all the time. I get creative, I try dumb shit, I drink an unhealthy amount, and I’ll come up with another bunch of things I want to try. Then I’ll get medicated and try them.
I took today off because I had a crazy weekend that I spent medicated and doing things and have no work. So I’m unmedicated today. You’re getting a big ol’ helping of unmedicated TexasDrunk. I over explained and probably did a shit job but it made me happy, so thanks for the opportunity!
Dude this reply is incredible. Thank you so much for taking the time to hyper focus on it. I really like how you say it’s not all or nothing, and learning more about how you respond lets you do the chaotic brainstorming, then medicate to laser focus. I’m un-medicated and un-diagnosed but all my coping mechanisms are no longer working and everything is just getting harder and the want and desire to do more is growing, leading to that lack of fulfilment felling that takes a sharp turn into depression. So far I haven’t fallen off any cliffs but I fear that feeling and it feels like it’s nearing. I would love to just get by without the struggle, so thank you for sharing as it’s a great take on what the other side could be.
I was never undiagnosed, but otherwise I know exactly how you feel. Other than saying see a medical professional if possible I don’t have advice because what worked for me may not work for you, but I can offer some words of encouragement.
You’re not alone. I remember being there. There are lists (that are way too fucking long for people with executive function disorders for some reason) of coping strategies everywhere, so maybe switch it up and get some novelty. If possible get in therapy before the depression. It’s fucking hard but you can make it. I believe in you.
I personally just don’t see how having an identity, a “me”, matters at all. As such, why would I worry about being this or that “me”.
Had a similar situation. I’ve had chronic nightmares since childhood. I noticed I acted differently in my nightmares. Much more pragmatic and merciless. Makes sense since I was fighting demons.
Unfortunately. I got stuck in my fight/flight response due to chronic stress. Resulting in “dream me” becomming “awake me.”
I lost my ability to experience love, empathy and could no longer process positive emotions/feedback. I had destructive thoughts that extended well beyond healthy. I wanted to do stuff that I didn’t want to, morally speaking.
I wasn’t a different me. I was myself as much as any other day. It was a part of me that became more pronounced. The worst part.
Un-medicated me has had the spotlight from middle school through the present day, I think he’s had enough. Ive been varying degrees of burnt out since i was like, 15.
I’m quite sure this is a dilemma lots of people know. Doesn’t have anything to do with ADHD or gender or else. Just plain humankind: What IS the meaning of life. (Well ok, this one got answered, kind of: 42)
