I want a woman to make fun of me while I kiss her feet.

I’ll tell you something embarrassing about a guy I dated instead.

This was some time ago and I only dated him for like 2 months.

I can’t recall exactly what happened but I think he clogged my toilet and I used the plunger and qtips came up and I was like.

“Why did you flush qtips. ?”

And then it came out that he uses q tips to clean his butt after a dump.

Yes you heard me.

Q tips.

And he said something about his mom saying it was okay to flush them.

Which I then realized his mom taught him to clean his butt hole with qtips.

And …this had me thinking all sorts of weird things about their relationship.

He was definitely a momma’s boy. But maybe a little extreme.

For instance his mother managed his bank account. Made sure his truck payment was made every month. (We were both in our mid 20s). He still lived with his parents but he was finishing up electrician school.That seemed okay since he was in school. 🤷

And so this guy , btw, was like 6ft 5. He was huge in height. (I’m 5ft 3).

His mom was my size and he would like sit in her lap on the sofa. Like he would sit in front of her on the floor and cuddle him. You know. I thought that was weird. But every family has weird quirks. Plus men who have good relationships with their moms are less likely to be misogynist. Right?

He did introduce me to some great books like Raw Shark Text and Blindsight (two of my top favorite books) And that almost made it worth dating him.

He was just a weirdo. And when I broke up with him he asked me to marry him. (2 months of dating).

Just…no.

I once shat my pants at work after drinking too much coffee and left a little stain on the chair. After my shift I swapped the chair with one from a morbidly obese coworker, who was absent that day.

Either everybody knew or nobody knew.

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When I was meeting my girlfriend (now wife’s) friends for the first time I went to go pee in the washroom, and my pee did that thing when it shoots out in 5 different directions. Got some on my pants. Luckily I spilled some coffee on my pants earlier that say (I know, rough say) so I just let them think it was that.

I was sitting at my desk one day and felt a fart coming on. No one ever comes into my office, so fuck it, let it rip!

Except…I shouldn’t have trusted this fart.

I could instantly feel the regret of this decision liquifying into my boxers. Mushy, smelly regret.

I waddled out of my chair and opened it a tad to peek out into the hallway. I didn’t see anyone and made my way out a little more. I crept around the corner and peeked to see if anyone else was around. Thankfully no one else was, they were all busy talking in the front office just a few doors up. I could see the side entrance/exit right before me. All I had to do was leave through this door and sneak down the side path and I’d be at my truck in a few moments.

I made it to the parking lot without being noticed. Surprisingly pretty well for a penguin walk and trying not to let the liquid “regret” spread anymore than it already had.

I drove up the street about a mile to where I lived and was able to get cleaned up and a new set of clothes and back in the office within the hour and no one ever knew I left the premises.