Needing jokes/comments to make when I am audibly shitting myself. Any suggestions?
In a few months I’ll be in diapers, but I’ve been told that modern adult diapers are pretty good at their job/probably will muffle it more.
“You ever have a nightmare where you shit yourself in front of the class? Its surprisingly relaxing”
“Its only poo if it comes from the anus region in France, this is just sparkling stomach gunk”
Crohns? My condolences, I also have it, but its been in remission thanks to antiTNF drugs.
I thought that last line was supposed to be another joke and I just didn’t get it until I read the replies.
Unfortunately not. But as far as “for life” diseases go, crohns is a good one. I go to the hospital every two months, get a few thousand dollars of special sauce in an IV, and I’m basically symtom free. 30 years ago I’d be slowly and painfully dying as they cut out bits of bowel bit by bit.
My only complaint is that they are very expensive, so without a first world socialised medical system, they are out of reach financially.
Diverticulitis that I ignored (didn’t have health insurance) until I had an abscess rupture.
Fortunately it’s not a permanent situation. Should be able to get a reversal in a few months (although I’ll probably wait until December so that I won’t need to wear diapers at work.)
I had almost exactly the same thing. Had a reversal almost 16 years ago.
Just know at the beginning it will be hard, but you will figure it out and it will get easier. You will be surprised at how understanding most people are.
My advice to you is to sleep with a towel under you!
Non-permanent is definitely fortunate, although it sucks that you got to where you are now.
On the upside, for the next few months, you’ll have a great time at theme parks, concerts etc. No need to queue for bathrooms.
Enjoy your temporary butthole I guess? :D
“Chat, I gotta go skibidi toilet frfr”
Fortunately 7th graders are known for not finding humor in situations like this.
Look at one kid dead in the eye when shitting yourself. Don’t break eye contact. Establish dominance.
Maybe lean into it, like that dinner table scene in Dirty Rotten Scoundrels where Freddy (Steve Martin) asks if he can go to the bathroom, and after hearing yes, makes… that… face.
Look, kids, all I’m going to say is that you know for a fact that I’m not full of shit, so you better take what I say seriously.
Honestly just like open with the class, “hey just something you should know about me, I have a medical condition, you might here some noises from my abdomen, it’s nothing to worry about”
That would be reasonable with elementary school, high school, and college students.
I’m afraid that middle school is an age where even the kindest sweetest kid has what we’d call serious manifestations of a personality disorder in anyone else.
The only way to win here is to beat them out their own game. I must be funnier than they could ever hope to be. I need the kinds of jokes where it’ll be a way to immediately win control of the crowd, ala
Lookup kent carnivore on youtube, he had the same procedure. He found a zero carb diet reduced the bag output noise and gas the most. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HN50f9DsAPk
Lean into your inner apetor! Let out the noises from your soul! He is my favorite ostomy bag action hero. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o74PecNduQg Skal!
I would not recommend this. A zero carb diet is not healthy and may actually be harmful to the liver, especially long-term.
There is controversy that’s true. But as far as all of my reading has gone it is quite healthy. But regardless, the simple fact is fat and protein is digested by the stomach, and the other stuff isn’t. If you’re using an ostomy bag, that other stuff just goes into the bag. So it’s not doing your body any good. So carnivore is especially appropriate for people on ostomy bags.
A high fiber diet with an ostomy bag is just filling the bag up very quickly with gas.
OH SHIT
