Today, before taking an Uber home, she sent me a text wanting me to be downstairs on the street to greet her as the Uber arrives. I read it and told her that yes, I’ll be there. I didn’t notice any further text because I was in the middle of something.
Later, I hear the door opening and went to our door to greet her, she was furious and refused to talk to me. I realized I forgot to turn my phone back from silent mode after work today. I told her that it is my bad, she still refused to talk to me. At this point, things are still normal for our relationship, she would usually become willing to talk after a while.
I usually go to sleep at 22:30 and she knows, so I thought we’d sort things out tomorrow and went to bed. I woke up in the middle of the night (later I found out it was 1a.m.) to her standing next to my bed (we sleep in separate bedrooms), and she began asking a series of pointed questions: “What would you do if you found out that I was gone?”, “What would you do if the CCTV on our street is broken by chance?”, “What would you tell my mother if I went missing?”, “If I was actually kidnapped, would you kill the guy for me?”
You know, the usual. I thought she’s just angry at me still and wanted to vent, so I went along with her for the time being: “I’d be very worried and look for you everywhere”, “I’d sue the city”, “I’d tell your mother exactly what happened and say I’m sorry”, and “I’d kill the guy who kidnapped you”.
She grumbled and asked a few follow-up questions, like “if you’re planning to kill the guy, what would you do with our cat?” But at this point, I think she’s finding it difficult to stay angry at me. I tell her again that I’m sorry I missed her text, and that next time this happens, she should just call me to make sure I see her text, but she left soon after without acknowledging my apology.
I know I’m in the wrong for missing her text. Not trying to argue otherwise. My question is, am I really responsible if someone kidnaps her between getting off the Uber and getting into our apartment complex? Is she trying to guilt trip me into thinking her anger is justified or am I really a horrible, kidnap-facilitating bad person for missing a few texts?
Edit for context: we live in a pretty safe city that ranks top 10 in the world on low crime rate. Also, thank you all for educating me on what gaslighting actually means. It was 2 in the morning when I posted this, I did not have the energy to find the answer myself.
Not gaslighting, and from what you seem to describe, doesn’t appear to be manipulative either. She just seems to be angry. Not to say that you can’t be both angry and manipulative, but I don’t see clear intent for her to try to guilt trip or gaslight you.
Gaslighting would be if she lied and said that she sent you a message when in fact she didn’t. i.e., lying with the intent to make you question your judgment and perception
Guilt tripping would be if she pressured you into giving her a gift as compensation for ignoring her message. i.e., taking advantage of someone’s feelings of guilt to get them to do something for you.
I don’t see any lie, and I don’t see hee trying to extract anything out of you. Worst case interpretation, she’s being a bit petty. Best case interpretation, she’s scared of being alone outside.
I noticed your final paragraph, and I would be cautious in general about saying that someone who’s trying to convince you that their anger is justified is automatically manipulative. That’s kind of just how anger works. People think that their anger is justified. Otherwise they wouldn’t be angry. Manipulation occurs when you start to feel like you are being used for their own motives.
Either way, you should probably talk to her about it. It seems like she thinks the issue is more severe than you appear to think, and that is something that should be discussed with her
Standing by your bed while you’re asleep and berating you isn’t manipulative?
Nah, to needs to leave, now. No sense hanging around to see what this escalates to. Not worth putting in the effort for someone who’s demonstrated they need to grow up.
Sleep deprivation is a form of torture.
This is absolutely manipulative.
Yeah this is manipulative as hell he needs to run like hell. Today. Not tomorrow.
What about being overly dramatic in the comments section about someone else’s minor spat with his girlfriend. Is that manipulative?
It’s definitively manipulative, but people on the internet like to take something like that and then sprint to the conclusion that the person exhibiting the behavior is entirely knowledgeable about what they’re doing and is nefariously doing it on purpose in order to control the person and keep them locked in a position of weakness.
A lot of people exhibit behavior like this because they feel scared or upset and don’t know how to healthily express or resolve it, or were taught by unhealthy homelife that the behavior is normal, even if it’s not. I think people in the comments immediately rushing to leave her and anyone like her behind will either find it hard to maintain a relationship, or should count their lucky stars if they’re with someone that is completely healthy and knowledgeable about negative human behaviors and willing (and able) to fix it.
Are you the gf? Do you know if they did? Or will?
Or are you just assuming?
Or are you suggesting that I’m being over dramatic? Cuz, she woke him up in the middle of sleeping at night. Sleep deprivation is absolutely a form of torture, and while it’s probably not sleep deprivation (yet) it’s absolutely manipulative as fucking hell.
I can’t know if OP is exaggerating or not, or if they’re going to or not. Yes that’s an assumption on my part.
As related, though, the behaviors described are heavily manipulative.
As related: she decided unilaterally when to have that conversation. And she decided to do it when OP was near-comatose in sleep. An altered state that being roused from does not contribute to reasonable conversation.
Walking away is fine, but it could have (and should have,) waited until the morning.
Now look at what she’s saying is the problem- he missed a text, but also wasn’t waiting to escort her downstairs. Ultimately- if this is legitimate on her part it’s “you don’t care about me”.
Now look at the fears she is expressing- that it’s literally unsafe to get dropped at the curb and walk in. While it’s certainly possible, the reality is that if it’s that unsafe, then asking what he’d do- and she jumps straight to killing?!
And the CCTV stuff- which OP has no realistic way of knowing or resolving.
Yeah; no. All of this is meant to put OP on the defensive, in a state that OP is not able to think clearly. As relayed it’s straight up manipulation, and if the most vile sort.
Maybe he should file a police report for the torture.
or maybe you could understand why it’s a form of torture and understand what I’m trying to say.
Hint: because it put somebody into a vulnerable, easily manipulated state. whether she knew it or not, she was taking advantage of that vulnerable state. she brushed off prior attempts to talk it out, which is fine. But she doesn’t get to unilaterally expect that conversation on her timetable. He gets to say ‘no, I’m not in a place to talk about this,’ too.