ROANOKE, VA—Local claims adjuster David Seaborne, a devoted husband and father of three, died Tuesday at the age of 37 following a long and painful personal battle with a 512-pound eastern lowland gorilla.
This is one of the best Onion articles ever. Read the whole thing.
“According to the foundation’s website, the growing problem affects one in every 29 million Americans, and one in every 80 Congolese.”
Fucking lol