I don’t get to watch movies very often. Surprisingly I have one kickass movie setup though. It’s a 1080p video projector that also does 3D.

So I just watched Spiderman:Homecoming. Yes, I know, I’m SUPER late to see it. Sue me.

But you know that feeling where you just want to talk about the movie you just watched? Well, I have that, except nobody else BUT me just saw this movie for the first time. So nobody else is dying to talk about it but me.

Ok, so, first off…what was the pacing of that movie??? The first third of the movie it felt like it couldn’t find it’s footing. Like it was almost a parody of a spiderman movie.

BUT CAN WE TALK ABOUT THE CASTING FOR A MINUTE??? I’m DYING to talk about the casting!!! This is my first time seeing Tom Holland as Spiderman, and the voice clicked almost instantly, but I wasn’t quite sold on the full performance until about halfway through the movie. There was some a scene on the rooftops where it really clicked. This was a teenager with super powers…but still very much a teenager. Once that clicked into place, I began to enjoy Tom Holland as Spiderman a LOT more.

And Micheal Keaton as Vulture??? Oh my god! Chefs kiss. If you look back to the original trilogy, when they had the green goblin and his hoverboard, functionally it’s pretty much the same character. Green guy flies around with mechanical flying thing, and fights Spiderman. Yes, I’m oversimplifying things, but you can see the comparison.

Except, I actually LIKE the Vulture in this film. The Green Goblin just looked like a stuntman in a motorcycle helmet. I never felt that Green Goblin was ever actually a psychopath, or a killer, or hardly even a threat. It just came off as “Now’s the time for the big supervillain battle” and then Green Goblin would fly in.

With Vulture, there’s a clear and distinct reason he has these things. Micheal Keaton plays the roll so well that you almost overlook the massive plot hole. They have alien technology, they’ve used it to perform robberies for over 8 years, and at no point did the police, or the government, or the Avengers ever thing to look into that? Weird.

OH!!! And as good of casting as I think Tom Holland and Micheal Keaton are, there’s some real BAD casting too. Why is Aunt Mae a hottie? She looks like she’s any age between 30 and 60. It’s like every single scene she looks a slightly different age. There’s no consistency. Aunt Mae is an 85 year old woman. This Aunt Mae doesn’t look anywhere near 85.

I don’t know what’s coming in the next few movies. I’m watching them all this week. I’ve never seen them. I don’t know why. I saw “The Amazing Spiderman” back in 2012 I think, and I just did not enjoy that movie.

When I was 10 years old, I saw the Super Mario Bros movie in theaters. The one with Bob Hoskins, and John Liguizamo. I remember in the theater thinking for the longest time “Why aren’t they in their suits???”.

I understood the plotline reason why Tony Stark took away Peter’s high tech spidersuit. I also understand why Peter had to wear a makeshift costume. What I don’t get, is why Peter didn’t sew his own traditional looking spiderman costume, without any of the tech. He spent like a third of the movie without his spiderman costume.

The movie also scrapped some of the bigger characters entirely. There is no mention ANYWHERE of Mary Jane. The closest thing is “Michelle” says she goes by “MJ” in a blink and you’ll miss it moment.

There’s also no J Jonah Jameson. I don’t even see the Daily Bugle anywhere.

I felt like while he was in high school they could have had a professor without an arm, and he’s just Dr Conners. I thought that was a missed opportunity. Also a missed opportunity to not have the high schoolers we know about. Like Mary Jane, Eddie Brock, Harry Osborne. Though they did have Flash Thompson. For some reason instead of a preppy white rich jock, they made him a short (arabic?) toothpick size twerp that you just want to slap in the back of the head. When I think of Flash Thompson, I’m thinking of a tall built football player type body. I’m pretty sure even without super powers Peter could have easily knocked Flash out.

The whole movie feels like a prequel. The characters are written well. I can very much believe these are high schoolers going through their own high school years. While Peter is going through…a lot.

What I don’t get is Tony Stark. He shows up, gives a 15 year old a biological weapon with a built-in “kill mode” which really wants to turn itself on. Then blows him off as if he’s being annoying. Then leaves him alone in a suit which is somehow both extreme high tech, but also whose security is broken with a pair of tweezers and a usb drive. Then he takes the suit away from Peter because he fought Vulture which was immature and wreckless. Then at the end of the movie he attempts to give spider an even CRAZIER suit because he fought Vulture which was mature, and the brave thing to do.

Honestly, I feel like Tony Stark should have had waaaaaaay less screen time. MAYBE a cameo. He should not have been important to the plot. In fact, I’d prefer there were no high tech suit. It was just Spiderman trying to impress Tony Stark, who maybe gives him a phone call or a zoom meeting. Outside of that, he should be like “Peter, I’m busy. Just handle it, ok?” At least then maybe we wouldn’t have to deal with half the movie in a make-shift costume.

Speaking of the costume, I hate it.

I hate it because as little as the original trilogy contributed to the Spiderman movies, they did have one cool thing. That suit is THE definitive Spiderman suit. This suit, the high tech one, was just flat. It looked like CGI the entire time. It looked like when you’re watching Space Jam, and there’s cartoons on screen while real humans are ALSO on screen. The cartoon on screen doesn’t look natural, and it breaks the immersion. That’s what this suit did at all times. At no poZendayaint did it even look like Spiderman was filmed wearing the greenman costume, and then CGI it on in post. I felt that the whole movie.

On a personal level, I feel cheated. I asked what movies I should prepare me for the new spiderman movie, and I was told to watch

Spiderman Homecoming

Spiderman Far From Home

Spiderman No Way Home

In that order. Well, I feel like there was a MASSIVE story just before this movie started. I mean, they’re talking about alien technology that blew up in NYC, and now this guy is cleaning up the mess. That’s how he becomes Vulture.

But hold on…what alien mess??? What happened??? I feel like we’re picking up at the end of the story rather than the beginning.

Now AFTERWARDS I find out I’m supposed to watch Winter Soldier first. Which C’mon…how many movies are all connected??? I’ll have watched 4 spiderman movies this week by the time I leave the theater having watched the new one.

But even that’s not the full story. Because I could watch Winter Soldier. And I’m sure there’s like 5 movies before Winter Soldier, since that movie is a sequel in itself.

So I would have to go back to at least 2008 to watch the full story. Or maybe it goes all the way back to the first IronMan movie. I think that came out in 2004? That’s too many movies to watch. These movies need clear chapter ends. So people can jump off, and new people can jump on.

And what is this Ned character supposed to be??? I don’t remember him from any previous Spiderman media. Why are they painstakingly trying to make him be Barbra Gordon post accident??? It works for her, because she USED TO BE Batgirl.

Ned is just…Ned.

And what kind of name is “Happy”???

AND WHAT THE FUCK WAS THE BOAT ALL ABOUT??? It gets split down the middle, and then IronMan is like "Well, if I push the sides back together then the ship will be water buoyant again. That’s how water works…

Ok, I think that’s enough for now.

Guys, go watch that movie for the first time if you haven’t already. And if you have, go do the whole Men in Black eye flashy memory wipe thing. THEN go watch the movie for the first time…again.

And then share your thoughts. Just don’t spoil anything with the next few movies.

Also…is it supposed to be implied that Liz is Toones step-daughter? Or am I reading too much into that? I know he keeps saying “his daughter”, but I don’t know any step-dads that think of their “kids” as “step-kids”. It’s just “this is my kid”. Because they cast the mom to at least look like she could be Liz’s mom. But Liz doesn’t look mixed at all. So, I’m not sure he’s the dad.

It’s been about 30 minutes since the movie ended. The more it sits with me, the more I’m thinking Tom Holland might have a chance to be the defining Spiderman. I’ll see how the other movies go.

And I just love Micheal Keaton as Vulture. I kinda wish they’d have put him in make-up a bit, to make him look older, but outside of that, perfect casting.

Not that there was much competition, but Keaton is now THE actor I think of when I think who’s the best Vulture. Best Batman. Best Vulture.

Yeah! I said it! Who’s a better Batman? George Clooney? Pssshhh!!! Please! George Clooney is a smug bastard, but he’s not a great Batman.