I was going to DM you but figured it might be helpful for me to post publicly. I do want to add that everyone experiences things differently so I am basing my advice off of MY experience. Some of my advice may not directly apply to you but I still hope you take something from it. What happens before spiraling can look different for each person. I am also very busy right now and writing in a hurry so I apologize if anything is confusing. Feel free to ask me any questions.

So when my father died I literally felt nothing. For years I told people I did not care. I hated when people tried to show me sympathy. I just hated all of it. The thing is it did affect me. I was still very young. I would always try really hard on my school work to impress my dad. When he died I didn’t do school work anymore. I lost all my driver. I came up with other reasons for it. It was never because of my dad’s suicide. This affected my life moving forward. This small piece slowly consumed the rest of my life.

Since I had no drive I did not graduate. School did not matter to me so I was getting high instead. At the time I liked downers because I literally did not want to experience reality. I wanted to black out. I wanted to stay blacked out. You can imagine the messes this made with my relationships with people. I wasn’t really mean or anything to people but I slowly became so self destructive it hurt everyone around me as well. I still would tell people my dad’s death didn’t affect me. I believed it too.

Watch your drive. If you aren’t doing the things you normally enjoy doing. The thing is you can tell yourself “well I am doing things”. I was playing video games. I hung out with friends. I made jokes and laughed. It was me trying to enjoy life because death was always on my mind. They were distractions. Not really what I wanted to do. I wanted to make music and do martial arts.

Go to therapy NOW even if you feel like you do not need it. If you feel fairly functional it is fair to not make weekly appointments but I would to start. If you cannot do therapy for any reason then see if you can find support groups of some kind. Preferably in person. It is good to connect with people who understand what it is like to experience these types of traumatic events. Just make sure they are people who are actively trying to heal.