Having dated crazy, the answer I was told was that as their soul mate I should understand them perfectly and cater to their every whim instinctively and without discussion.
Which is a lot to ask for after 3 months of dating.
Something tells me there isn’t a perfect answer doe that person. “Someone asked me how they can support me, so now I don’t want help because that seems condescending” sounds like the kind of thing you get from someone who says they’re fine, but isn’t, and they’re mad you don’t already know why they’re not fine.
My experienced dating a socially anxious person is that there is no perfect response, anything you say needs exclusion qualifiers and follow-up for reassurance purposes. Love her tho.
An “emotion phase” mindset tends to expect you to know about their state and reacts badly if you don’t join them there.
A “solution focused” mindset can easily talk and not react badly about a misjudgement on your part.
So if you want to be safe, then your opening line should always presume the other person is in the emotional phase. The response will tell you if you’re right. And if you’re not right then the other person is in a position to negotiate without being upset about it.
This is such a good question that it’s kind of blowing my mind.
First off, it’s actually a shit message to only include “my shawarma fell apart” with no other context. There’s not even punctuation! Like, give me some textual non-verbals I can pick up on.
Second, this is so typical of neuro-normies: send a message with no social cues and somehow expect the recipient to ace the response.
So what’s the ideal response? I dunno. I’d probably reply with something like “I know, right?! My butthole is so itchy right now. Could this day be any worse?”
I think in the above scenario it would be safe to assume it’s the “just talk about it” scenario. With something as simple as food falling apart the person will be more than capable of solving it themselves if they needed to.
The fact that the answer ends up being “you need to assume based on the context” demonstrates exactly what the other comments are saying. Nobody is a mind reader, and it’s not generally a good idea to expect someone else to assume the same things you do, especially if that other person didn’t experience it firsthand. Maybe it works for you, but it’s making things needlessly more complicated for other people
I tried to delve more into why I feel this way in another comment further down if you’re interested, but I understand the frustration behind your comment. Personally I think there are other ways to gauge someone’s feelings.
Just out of curiosity, what does the perfect reply look like in the above scenario
Since even asking is an issue, my suggestion is to be a divination wizard with specilization in mind reading
Having dated crazy, the answer I was told was that as their soul mate I should understand them perfectly and cater to their every whim instinctively and without discussion.
Which is a lot to ask for after 3 months of dating.
Although for people you know well this divination isnt all that difficult anymore.
Something tells me there isn’t a perfect answer doe that person. “Someone asked me how they can support me, so now I don’t want help because that seems condescending” sounds like the kind of thing you get from someone who says they’re fine, but isn’t, and they’re mad you don’t already know why they’re not fine.
My experienced dating a socially anxious person is that there is no perfect response, anything you say needs exclusion qualifiers and follow-up for reassurance purposes. Love her tho.
I’d go with a “Oh no, but I’m sure it will still be delicious!”
But what if she was looking for practical shawarma reassembly advice?
Good question, but she then should say so, no unwanted advice will be given!
I’d go with “It’s not a true shawarma unless it falls apart. That’s how you know it’s good.”
An “emotion phase” mindset tends to expect you to know about their state and reacts badly if you don’t join them there.
A “solution focused” mindset can easily talk and not react badly about a misjudgement on your part.
So if you want to be safe, then your opening line should always presume the other person is in the emotional phase. The response will tell you if you’re right. And if you’re not right then the other person is in a position to negotiate without being upset about it.
This makes sense to me as a social dynamic without reducing it to a prompt like above.
Thank you, this is helpful
This is such a good question that it’s kind of blowing my mind.
First off, it’s actually a shit message to only include “my shawarma fell apart” with no other context. There’s not even punctuation! Like, give me some textual non-verbals I can pick up on.
Second, this is so typical of neuro-normies: send a message with no social cues and somehow expect the recipient to ace the response.
So what’s the ideal response? I dunno. I’d probably reply with something like “I know, right?! My butthole is so itchy right now. Could this day be any worse?”
That isn’t a bad response imo
That is so kind of you to say
I think in the above scenario it would be safe to assume it’s the “just talk about it” scenario. With something as simple as food falling apart the person will be more than capable of solving it themselves if they needed to.
The fact that the answer ends up being “you need to assume based on the context” demonstrates exactly what the other comments are saying. Nobody is a mind reader, and it’s not generally a good idea to expect someone else to assume the same things you do, especially if that other person didn’t experience it firsthand. Maybe it works for you, but it’s making things needlessly more complicated for other people
I tried to delve more into why I feel this way in another comment further down if you’re interested, but I understand the frustration behind your comment. Personally I think there are other ways to gauge someone’s feelings.