CW: imposter syndrome, depression, passing mention of prior religion.
This turned into a novel, sorry. I don’t have anyone trans to talk to IRL and I just… Needed to say it.
TL;DR, I was exploring my identity a bit and ended up swinging a golf club straight through the center of my egg last night by reading the gender dysphoria bible. Now I have no idea what to do and am alternatingly filled with huge buckets of fear and joy. Advice from transfem people or validation from anyone would be really wonderful.
I finally got to a very stable place in life at 33, and started a journey of self-exploration with a therapist to sort through the last 17 years of depression, escalating introversion, and extremely low energy for anything outside of the house.
After a lot of talk about a lot of other things, I allowed myself to step out of this safe and sturdy mental construct that I built for a time in my life that I needed it, and opened myself up to being someone other than the person that I always thought that I had to be.
Among other mostly smaller shifts, I ended up on a gradual slide from “maybe part of my identity is enby? Is that a thing? Enby-sometimes?” To “oh, no, that part of me is definitely female” to “oh, uh, the more I leave the rigid fenced-in built-for-survival part of my mind, the more parts of myself I find that feel this way”.
I always wished I was a girl, but my mind refused to cross to the idea that maybe I am one. But I opened my mind a little. My wife gave me an old skirt to try to see how it made me feel. I was a little scared because I knew I really wanted this. I waited until midnight, slipped out of bed, put it on and just sat down in my closet. And just wearing it, just sitting down in the closet for an hour, was the most fulfilling experience I can remember in my life. It felt spiritual, somehow it felt whole. I cried and smiled and just felt my heart and my legs until I couldn’t stay awake any more. I held that memory in my head for days, replaying it over and over and just lived in that feeling in my head.
I bought a few more skirts online, and wore them around my spouse. We went out of town for a long weekend and I just wore them inside the room with her, and basked in the feeling of feeling feminine while I sat on the couch or played board games. Even outside of those moments, I started to feel better, and realized how bad my head had gotten beneath the surface as I started to have better feelings to compare it to. My wife took me shopping for some other female clothes. I almost died from shyness. Then I went home and held them and wore them and my entire world felt so much brighter. Mirrors feel bad, but I feel happy without them.
So of course, the completely logical conclusion that I reached was that there was this feminine part of me that I needed to make room for, off to the side of the rest of the “me” in my head. Yeah. Totally just a wonderful hidden aspect of personality to welcome in. Not trans here, haha. I don’t have bad conscious dysphoria about my body, and I only always WISHED I was a woman, that didn’t mean I AM one, I can’t count as a real trans person, I’ll just have this nice little ball of sunshine in my life over to the side to enjoy when I can. Like I found a new book to obsess over, just a few thousand times more amazing. And more fulfil- wait, no need to disrupt my thoughts or reconsider anything at all, haha. I’ll just enjoy the moment, that’s all.
Then I remembered seeing a reference to the gender dysphoria bible somewhere here on Lemmy, and thought I would look it up. I read through it expecting to learn a bit about how to explore or understand that feminine aspect, maybe how to bring it out a little bit since it makes me so happy. Instead, I got the uncomfortable feeling that the author had lived inside my bones for 30 years, told me my own story back to myself better than I could have told it, and pointed out that all of those data points make a constellation that screams “you are trans” so completely that I cannot possibly un-see it. Egg: kaboom.
Since then, SO MANY pieces kept falling into place, one after another. I had “no true scottsman’d” myself my entire life - with a sheltered christian homeschool upbringing, being a woman just wasn’t in the list of options I thought existed for me, so absolutely everything was somehow included in a box labeled “totally fine for an admittedly abnormal man to feel” and now I suddenly realized that maybe always wishing I was born as a woman, always relating better to women, only ever having close female friendships, frequent fantasies about being reborn/reincarnated as a woman, and preferring a thousand sociatally-female things weren’t just quirks in a totally-a-man’s personality. This wasn’t some side aspect, it is a lens that finally makes everything fit, rather than feeling like kludged-together random parts of human.
I read about gender euphoria, I read about biochemical dysphoria and realized I checked off every box in the “depersonalization” section, I read a lot of signs in the following chapters that felt uncomfortably like they were written specifically about me, I read about Managed Dysphoria and thought “oh shit”, then imposter syndrome, and the Am I Trans page. I followed half a dozen links from the pages and some of them further. And I was left feeling SEEN in a way that felt both devastating and somehow whole.
I can’t un-know this. I can’t explain why this feels like it changes everything, but it does. I have no idea where I want to go in the long term. I still feel like I don’t count as a trans woman and it makes me cry. It all just feels like too much, too overwhelming. Everything in my personality and history is recontextualising and it is overwhelming.
How do I process this? What do I like… do… about this sudden knowing? How do I find someone who has walked this path to tell me that what I am experiencing is OK, or to help me start to paint a picture of what I want the future to look like? Every path seems endlessly long and frightening right now. How do I get my euphoria at the possibilities to come back, instead of this fear?
Additional info to help narrow down “what now?” - I am safe to be out at home and in most of the tiny fragments of human community that I still have, if I ever feel comfortable in myself. I’d probably keep most of the people. Transitioning is fincially possible, if this doesn’t nix all job prospects forever (tax accounting). I used to have a decent number of friends all across the lgbt rainbow, but moving --> covid --> depressive isolation means I don’t any more, only my pan wife and a few cis friends and family members nearby and far away. My wife is extremely supportive of wherever this journey takes me (as long as it is still with her). My depression manifests with an inability to do anything, not in an “active” way, so I am not in physical self-danger. No kids to worry about, but we do have 2 cats, a dog, and a handful of half-dead plants. Family that would judge is already cut off, and those that remain would approve, but may not quite “get it”. I often use too many words when writing things down.
years of depression, escalating introversion, and extremely low energy for anything outside of the house.
This was me
I ended up on a gradual slide from “maybe part of my identity is enby? Is that a thing? Enby-sometimes?” To “oh, no, that part of me is definitely female” to “oh, uh, the more I leave the rigid fenced-in built-for-survival part of my mind, the more parts of myself I find that feel this way”.
Yep, I did this too
I always wished I was a girl, but my mind refused to cross to the idea that maybe I am one.
Yep, me too
Not trans here, haha. I don’t have bad conscious dysphoria about my body, and I only always WISHED I was a woman, that didn’t mean I AM one
Yep, I did this too!
I read about gender euphoria, I read about biochemical dysphoria and realized I checked off every box in the “depersonalization” section
Yep. I’m even quoted in a Zinnia Jones article about the topic.
How do I find someone who has walked this path to tell me that what I am experiencing is OK
It’s absolutely ok. It’s pefectly normal. It’s what self realisation and understanding looks like after a lifetime of self repression and denial.
Remember, it’s a journey, and it will take time. And the best thing you can do is give yourself permission to forgive yourself for not having the answers, and for not being perfect as you work on processing it all.
As for what’s next? No one can tell you that. Probably not even you. And that’s ok. This part of the journey looks like finding out what does work for you. It involves giving yourself permission to explore and experiment. It involves giving yourself permission to take the time needed to work out what you want, to work out what works for you and what doesn’t.
It’s scary and uncertain, and the world is getting pretty hostile towards us, but at the same time, there is nothing in this world like working out who you are and embracing her.
And for context, I went through this journey and started my own active transition around 7 years ago. I’ve walked the path you’re about to start down, and I can tell you that it’s worth walking, even if it gets a bit rough in parts :)
Thank you, genuinely.
The self-distrust on this runs so deep, and I just really needed to hear someone say it to me. I’m probably going to read this another hundred times this month until it sinks in.
So, thank you, from the bottom of the old heart and the top of the new one.
I’m not trans. Occasionally posts from blahaj pop up in my feed, which is why I saw this one. I know this is blahaj, you’re probably all (justifiably) sick of what straight cis men think, so please take this comment with a huge pinch of salt.
Out of curiosity I read the gender dysphoria bible, it didn’t resonate at all. As a young child, my grandparents once had me wear a dress as a joke, it felt wrong and I couldn’t wait to take it off.
What I’m driving at is this: If what you and others read in the gender dysphoria bible resonates and if stuff like wearing a dress makes you feel ‘right’, please don’t doubt yourself. I’m pretty open about my sexuality, yet it doesn’t resonate. If it resonates with you, that means something.
These feelings are real. You deserve to be happy. Be kind to yourself and love yourself like you do your loved ones. I mean that literally, imagine if your best friend discovered they were trans. You’d want to be supportive, right? Be that for yourself.
Thank you! I speficically asked for advice from transfem people or validation from anybody, and this is absolutely validation from anybody!
The support is welcomed & appreciated! Hearing that the GDB didn’t resonate with you is somehow reassuring at this early point in my journey. Thank you!
the old heart
None of that. I started older than you, and that was 7 years ago! :)
Hey just wanted to drop a couple of FACTS:
- You’re a woman.
- Sounds like you were AMAB, so this makes you trans.
- You are valid!
Now that’s out of the way, have you ever thought about names? How about using pronouns, maybe have your wife try feminine nicknames, pronouns etc with you and see how it feels.
For me, it still feels magical to hear my correct pronouns and names being used <3 Or when my partner calls me a woman, girl, etc. Like is this real, can this be happening?!
Having a supportive partner is one of THE most important things, I mean someone you spend so much time with, who knows you so well, to offer that kind of unconditional acceptance, that’s a rare and beautiful thing.
That being said… this is probably a big adjustment for her too. She might need time to fully process things. Don’t be surprised if some of the dynamics of the relationship change.
And well, my partner is also super supportive, but like, I think I do annoy them with my obsessive moods lol. Yes, sometimes I’m gonna take 100 selfies because I still can’t believe this. Or being mesmerized by how I look with eyeliner for the first time. Or shopping for clothes. Or taking three hours to get ready to go out.
There is so much to do, and I try to make up for all the lost years, but we have to be careful not to overwhelm those around us. Good communication from both sides will do wonders. Remember you both have needs.
Being trans is a lot. It’s amazing, it’s horrible, exciting, boring, frightening, frustrating, too slow, too fast, the highest highs and the lowest lows. You have some great times ahead, and maybe a few not-so-great, but keep your head up. You got this, girl!
Thank you! It feels like so much. Gonna need to read that 1. 2. 3. A few more times. Maybe write it down somewhere.
I am experimenting with names and pronouns - I used a feminized version of my name earlier in the journey (something like Jess instead of Jesse) but it doesn’t fit me now. I want a name that resonates with me instead of it just being a sound, and I know that’s not a part that anyone can help with. I want to find a name the same magical giddy rightness I am getting now when my partner calls me her wife! I hope I just know it when I see it.
Actually, my username is new because my old other-instance one was related to the name I’m leaving behind. I wanted it to relate to the fuller me I’m discovering and realized that there is too much that I don’t know about her.
Thank you for the reminder to keep my wife in mind too. I’m in such a tizzy of worry and excitement and she is so supportive and on board and… I think I need to sit down with her and really talk about what it means and what could change and open that conversation conduit as wide as possible.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts and experiences and helping me see more things to look at!
I find it easiest to explore my identity by separating my mind as much as possible from my body (a source of dysphoria and doubt). Laying in bed, showering, and roleplay seem to do the trick well.
Further, you can try things like feminine clothing and voice training as those are low risk and low cost (though voice training takes a lot of patience).
Like an inventor, you are not going to find certainty nor a path until you personally come up with it. Others’ stories are useful in that they may be applicable to you, but I cannot tell you the answers for yourself, because nobody knows them yet. The hardest part is probably even defining an end goal for yourself. Personally, I settled on maximizing my happiness, which I can measure and isn’t so vague that it can’t guide me.
I’ll look into voice training after work today! There are a lot of gaps in knowledge that I can’t wait to fill in, I am scared and excited to see where I go!
You’re in a relatively good position, but it still won’t be easy. Having a pan wife who accepts you is pretty sweet. You’ll still have the struggles that are inevitable for trans people in 2024; nothing can change that. However, transitioning is by far your best option.
I was circling the idea of being transfem for a while, but I had a lot of doubt still. I played as male characters in role playing games, never allowing myself to consider being a girl. I didn’t know trans people existed for most of my life, and was convinced for years that I couldn’t be a real girl because I didn’t consider it consciously.
The first crack in my egg came when I realized I was bi. I liked girls, so I assumed I was just a straight guy. I just assumed that the boy I was obsessed with for years in elementary school was just a really treasured friend. To be fair, I was jealous of his long hair and that time girls braided it in a feminine way, but I was also very attracted to him outside of that. I somehow never considered that I had an obvious crush on him, despite the fact that I recognized the same behavior towards a girl as attraction in middle school. 🤦♀️
At least I figured it out the second time it happened with. He was mysterious and flirty, a dangerous combination. I got mad at him when he pushed me away as things got too gay, but it somehow didn’t click that I liked him. My lack of awareness back then was impressive. I got back in contact a few years later and finally realized that I liked him once I was an adult.
Around the same time, I met a transfem enby that I really related to. I just assumed they were a cis woman for months, until I stumbled across trans reddit. I learned more about trans culture and realized that this person I saw myself in was trans. It somehow took me 3 years to realize that I saw myself in them because I wasn’t cis, and another 2 years until I realized I was a woman. 😫
Part of my comical obliviousness was that my mind kept me from even considering it. I’m a fairly empathetic person, but my mind refused to put me in high heels and a dress, so I rarely experienced euphoria. I was miserable by default and held a deep seated hatred for who I was. I didn’t realize my dysphoria because I had never felt anything else. Slowly, as the shell began to fracture, I felt twinges of clear dysphoria, hints of who I was, but confronting it was scary and painful, so it took years to finally face myself.
The first time I fully imagined myself in a cis female body living a cis female life, the shell fell apart. I cried and cried because I knew that egg could not be put back together. I knew I would not be happy as a man. Even then, I naively thought that I could just tank the dysphoria for a few years and gradually transition without coming out. I was wrong.
It just wasn’t healthy to view my life as worthless; to only continue living because I didn’t want to upset the people that loved me. I thought I could live without loving myself, but I now realize that it wasn’t possible. I didn’t deserve the emotional abuse I inflicted on myself and couldn’t consent to that mental self harm.
I’ve never felt worse. The costume I built my entire life was crumbling and I would be destroyed with it if I stayed inside it. I had nothing to lose, so I made the best decision of my life.
I don’t know your story, but I wouldn’t wait longer than necessary if I were freshly hatched. Dysphoria often gets worse once the egg is gone, and it will only get better through affirmation. It’s always uncomfortable at first, but no amount of discomfort or pain compares to the feeling of self love. It really can be night and day. I thought that my base mood would always be low, but I now realize that it’s quite high when I am me.
Thank you for sharing your story and advice! I completely relate to things never clicking because it wasn’t on my mental menu of self-options.
I talked with my partner about what I can do today, and she’s going to try to flip to using girly nicknames and pronouns at home. Her brother lives with us (didnt mentally do well living alone), and I am trying to figure out how to pluck up the courage and ask him to do the same. I can’t imagine him responding badly, but I am really really not used to being that vulnerable.
Then Monday I’ll talk to my therapist about how I can open up my mid/long term choices so I can start something as soon as I feel ready enough. Whew.
Thank you for the words and the things to think about!
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Howdy! My own egg cracked just a few months ago, so a lot of this is sooo familiar. Definitely yes, like Ada said, what you’re feeling is perfectly okay and normal! I have no advice to give other than to remember to be kind to yourself.
