I came out to my mom in may and until 2.5 weeks ago everything was fine. I had another session with my therapist and before that I told her how my feelings regarding my gender identity intensified and that I seriously started considering DIY HRT (not in that words because she doesn’t know what that means, but that was the point). After that she started to swing really hard in both directions when talking to me about my gender identity. She is doing her best to help me (it’s not very successful because she doesn’t understand what being trans means) but sometimes she tells me how people from LGBT community do really bad stuff. To be fair, in our country there were some situations where someone from from the community who would do something in public they really shouldn’t do, but that’s really small number of people. I told her that only some people are like that and most don’t do things like that but she just tells me that it’s actually opposite. Today she entered my room just to show me how some crossdressers “made fun” of the Last supper (she found it offensive because she is a Christian) and to tell me how bad it is and that that’s what I want to get into. Worst part is that I already told her the first time that I don’t want to participate in public LGBT events and that I just want to live my own life, but she continues to do stuff like this. To me it feels like she sees things like things and is scared that I will be part of that while ingoring what I already told her. And I don’t like the way she talks about that. I’d like to give her some resources so she could learn something about trans people but I couldn’t find anything good on my native language (she doesn’t know any other language). If I just told her that wouldn’t be enough. At this point I’m not sure is she truly accepting or not. What should I do?
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I suspect most people will just get defensive when confronted with clear logical gaps in their reasoning. Sometimes you can approach it carefully, using a Socratic method where you primarily ask questions and the questions gently guide the person to clarify their position (allowing them to realize their own logical gaps). Even then, I think it takes a lot of skill to navigate that without making someone defensive. I certainly wouldn’t suggest she do this with her mother, considering she is financially dependent on her mom and that relationship is not between two independent adults.
Maybe once she is independent and is on a level field with her mom and the risk is lower it could work to try to show how the reasoning doesn’t work, but I still don’t think that is the most effective way to change her mind. (As much as we like to think, most of us aren’t all that rational, and rational arguments rarely change our minds.)
Maybe you could ask your therapist if she could come with you for one session? Having a neutral person with you might help getting your points across.
And saying what language she speaks might help others finding some resources for her that she can read.
She is already going with me.
Do you know whether the therapist is trans-affirming or not? Also relevant is what their credentials are. That might make a difference in how those conversations go.
I don’t know what his credentials are but I know that he has some experience with trans people.
Interesting, do you know what those experiences were? Did you choose the therapist, or did your mom? Having some experience with trans people describes a conversion therapist, for example.
I know that he has experience with people who transitioned. My mom picked the therapist.
When I first saw my voice therapist, my endocrinologist, and my psychologist, I asked each of them what experience they had with trans patients, and how they came to work with the trans community.
Before I saw them, I vetted them through organizations and my local trans community first.
I would at least look up your therapist and see what their credentials and associations are. If you have a local trans community you can connect with, see what therapists they recommend, and ask if anyone knows your therapist.
I only emphasize this so much because based on what you have said it seems like a real concern that your mom would want you to see someone who is sympathetic to her concerns. Do you think your mom would have chosen a trans-affirming therapist?
Yes
It might help to know the country / cultural context you are in. A lot of people here are likely to be Westerners, and the advice they give may or may not work well in the culture you are in.
Either way, you are in a position where your mom has been indoctrinated by her religion into false beliefs and propaganda, and it is usually not easy to change someone’s mind on those kinds of things. You can certainly try to provide a different perspective, but she is likely to trust the church and her brainwashed perspective and will interpret your perspective as the deluded one. If she is really open minded enough, you could try to spend time with more trans and gay folks and have her get to know some of them and spend time with them in gay spaces, etc.
Sometimes the bigotry doesn’t survive exposure to normal people who are gay or trans, but ultimately she has to be willing to let go of those brainwashed Christian perspectives and be open to a different reality. Even if she does that, it can put her in a really challenging position with regards to her community. If she accepts trans and gay people it can lead to tensions with her church community, who may think she is doing something wrong. There are many things reinforcing her commitments to her bigotry, and you should prepare yourself for the possibility that those things might be stronger than her bonds with you (as disturbing as that is).
To that end, my practical advice:
Seek financial independence, no matter whether your mother accepts you or not, you need to be able to survive without her support since there is a possibility now that she will try to intercede in your transition and threaten your survival.
I don’t know how HRT and transition will be for you, but for me it is a medical concern. Before HRT at least since puberty I have had clinically significant depression, anxiety, and suicidal thoughts that I didn’t realize were not normal to experience, and which all went away once I was injecting sufficient amounts of estrogen.
When there are lapses in my HRT, the depression, anxiety, and suicidal thoughts come back strongly and they significantly interfere with my ability to function in my daily life. For me, HRT is essential medicine, no different than thyroid medication or insulin for patients dealing with those endocrine conditions.
It may or may not help for you to see your own transition in a similar way. The unfortunate situation is that society is hostile to trans people, and that means you will need to do more to protect your needs than you should ideally have to. No one with diabetes has to work this hard to convince their parents they need insulin, or that their diabetes is a real condition.
I should also say: being trans is not always a medical condition, and HRT doesn’t work the same for all people (some trans folks never take HRT, others who take HRT find it makes things worse for them - being trans is not a 100% guarantee that HRT is right, even if it is helpful in many cases). My point in raising the medical lens is not to gatekeep or imply being trans is always medical - my point is that transitioning is important (even for those trans people without medical transition) and worth protecting.
It just happened that my mental health significantly improved with HRT and some other trans people experience the same, and by coincidence this helped me mentally justify and survive in an anti-trans place because for me HRT is a medical necessity.
My encouragement is that you take care of yourself, prioritize your needs, and be prepared to put your needs first. To that end, you need the means to be able to do that. Save money that no one knows you are saving, and save it where no one can take it from you. Be prepared and have plans for how to meet your needs. Connect with the local gay community and find people who can help you.
I wish you luck. Ideally your mom will put her daughter first, but at least be prepared for a variety of outcomes. Sometimes it takes parents years to come-around, and don’t despair if the relationship falls apart for a while. She may change in the future, she may realize she was wrong or at least see that her relationship with you matters, at least enough to compromise a little on her religious / cultural views.
I’m from Balkans, it’s not very LGBT friendly place.
Good to know, thank you.
I think this only makes me feel more confident that a good path forward is to protect yourself as much as possible. Be careful about who knows about your transition, and prepare to take care of your needs if necessary.
If possible, making arrangements to leave and move to a safer place may be necessary, but that will also take a lot of time and can be difficult to do, so it might be better to focus on the short-term needs first.
It is hard to balance all the needs and to know what requires preparation and action and what doesn’t. Lots of trans folks are in a position like you are, which is why I suggest connecting with local trans and gay communities.
I’m sorry this is happening to you. I had similar problems with my parents. (But I am not transfem, just queer.)
Do you live with your mom? How long will that continue? Are you financially dependent on her? I ask because depending on her temperament your strategy will need to be more careful if so.
You say she belongs to a religion, some flavor of Christianity. I’m sure you get stories about Christians misbehaving all the time. The next time she says something about a trans person doing something actually bad (like setting something on fire?), bring up Christian misbehavior. Ask her if that means all Christians are bad. (You could do this with really any group she respects or identifies with.) When she says no, segue that into saying that there are bad folks from every group but that doesn’t mean the group is bad.
When she complains about what she thinks is misbehavior but is really not, such as queer people making fun of religion, also turn that around. Has she made fun of atheists/other religions, or does she look up to people that do? Bring that up. She will likely double double down and say it’s different, but insist it is not.
When she complains about a non-issue, like a masc person wearing a dress, you can just reiterate about what not a problem it is. So if she says something like “Look at that man with painted nails… shameful.” You can say something like “I don’t see the problem, he looks like he’s just living his life.” You can disengage but not agree with her at any time… but if she keeps digging like “well he shouldn’t do that,” just ask “Why?” to things that don’t make sense. It will boil down to a core belief that you can choose to challenge or not.
Your other option is just to not really react. Just respond with the bare minimum, like “ok.” Look up gray rocking.
There will always be people that don’t like you, some for stupid reasons, some for petty reasons, and some for valid reasons. It really hurts when someone you care about holds a poor opinion of you, and it’s not because of something you did wrong. At some point though, if her opinion doesn’t lighten up, you will just have to accept that is how she is. But the same way you cannot control her, she cannot control you. You can choose how much your mom is in your life. (And if you are a minor, you still have some control over this. She will only know what you share with her and what she can find out herself. You can only give her the bare minimum if you wish.)
Good luck out there. It sounds like she wants what’s best for you but doesn’t know much about queer people so hopefully she will come around.
I live with my mom and I’m financially dependant, I don’t know how long that will last. I never heard her making fun of other religions and atheists.
I’d be really interested in what someone from the community would do in public that they shouldn’t do in your country? Is that just existing or celebrating pride in public? Or is it, like, streaking?
I think peoples advice here is already good, but you need to think long term next. Is it safe to transition around her? Will you be supported no matter what, or will she eventually kick you out if you live with her? I know this is hard to think about, but it’s really important to think about your own safety and plan for it. If you think she’d kick you out at some point, try to find a place where you’d be safe. Try to find some level of community in the local trans community there (even if you don’t think there isn’t one, there absolutely is), so you have somewhere to go, and someone to be around that supports you and who you are.
Based on what you’ve already said you also need to decide if you actually CAN convince her right now, or if she’ll have to see you advance in your transition to see the difference in you as a person in order to start to understand. You should also consider what your point of no return is. What could she do that makes you not feel safe anymore? And how much energy are you willing to invest in this before you set up a hard boundary?
She seems to be intensely Christian. It can be hard to convince them to accept you because they genuinely think your existence is a sin or that you can be queer but being in public and queer is a sin. They’ll also do what you were saying, point out what they view as “problems” in the community in order to try and “save” you. That can be immensely disheartening, and you should consider your future with her in your life or if it’d be better to get as much distance from her as you’re comfortable with. Because it usually takes a big shift in order for someone like that to change their beliefs, just having good points won’t really convince them.
You shouldn’t feel ashamed for being trans, and you need to consider whether her continuing to say those things you talked about could make you second guess or consider not transition because of her, not because of your own wants. Your happiness comes first, and if she’s a good mom, she should see you be happier and accept you.
I know all this is hard, having a parent who disrespects your existence is devastating. But that’s just the reality for a lot of us. Particularly at the start. It took my dad 4 years to even use my name. Talk to your therapist for coping mechanisms so you can make sure your mental health isn’t as deeply impacted as it can be when facing this situation. Make sure you can be somewhere safe during times when your emotions overwhelm you and remember, it’s okay to cry.
Again, you deserve to be yourself and be happy and be accepted by those around you. If your mom doesn’t accept you at the start, that might change, but it might not, and that’s okay, even if it’s hard. You can live a happy and awesome life without the support of your parents. Never feel like you are unlovable or like no one will ever love you, that’s fucking bullshit and you are deserving of love and will find someone who loves you for you, I guarantee it.
A lot depends on the safety of the country and what your next steps will be. If you want to transition fully, at some point you need to tell her that it isn’t a debate or conversation; you’re going to transition and she can either get on board or not. Prepare to live independently in case she refuses to accept you. The key is making it absolutely clear that there is no possibility of her convincing you to “live normally.”
If your country is especially dangerous and unsupportive, you’ll probably need to “stealth” as a cis woman in order to transition. You’ll need to choose either side of the binary, regardless of how you identify, and go all in to convincing strangers that you aren’t queer. You’ll need to gender conform and only deviate around known allies. In that situation, it’ll be important to to find local queer people and move out. In order to keep your sanity, you’ll need safe spaces, and living with someone transphobic will be miserable.
You can hope that you’re mom will accept reality, but it wouldn’t be safe to rely on that. If you want to transition and your family doesn’t support you, the best case scenario is you move on. Leave the door open for them coming back into your life, but only if they agree to accept unconditionally. Otherwise, you’ll hurt each other trying to create incompatible futures.
Get a job, move out and start being an adult
