Feel free to share your own holiday get-together horror stories.
One brother-in-law has no filter between his brain and his speech, and usually that makes him a lot of fun and our favorite. But out of the blue today he starts talking about how America is the best (hard disagree, but he’s American so I can give that a pass), people who don’t like America should leave (stupid, but I see where you’re coming from) and especially the blacks should go back to Africa (WTF!?!). I don’t get how otherwise nice guys can be so full of hate for a whole class of people for no reason.
Edit: A sister-in-law says that slavery was the blacks’ fault, because they sold their own. BIL’s wife says the N word is the same level as “white trash”.
This type of speech usually isn’t hate, it’s extreme ignorance. These statements were commonplace 25 years ago. I’m guessing these people are middle aged? They grew up hearing this stuff, and haven’t traveled or had diverse enough experiences to actually think about the viewpoints they’re parroting, and evaluate them on any sort of meaningful level. This is a perfect example where an education, or diverse interactions would almost certainly “cure” them.
Maybe it’s not out-and-out hate, but it’s certainly not love.
It’s just ignorance. Yes it sounds hateful because we understand the pain this type of thinking has caused throughout history. They don’t. They don’t understand other perspectives, and in their minds they are the embodiment of America, so any other perspectives are “the others”. Trying to give them a history lesson, or engaging them on any sort of intellectual level is likely to push them away, they’ll feel like you think you’re smarter than them, and you’re belittling them. What they really need is to spend some time with people of other ethnicities. The Army was absolutely fantastic exposure for me and a lot of my Army brothers. We all entered Basic Training as ignorant little boys who thought we understood things, and left as men with an actual understanding of other people’s lives. Sharing hardship with people who aren’t like you is such an amazing opportunity for personal growth. Of course this isn’t really something you can offer them, so unfortunately I don’t have any answers for you. A lot of times these types of people will stay locked into this mindset unless something happens that forces them out of it. The best I can say is to try to remember that it’s probably not actually hate, and try to educate them little by little, sharing diverse perspectives with them.
There’s more than enough resources out there for people to learn how to treat their fellow humans as equals. At this point it’s wilful ignorance, the last few decades were trying to nicely- nicely educate them, at this point i say screw them and their ignorant views, leave them behind society and focus on the new generations
I don’t get how someone can speak like this openly without having constant challenges about native peoples and colonialism and europeans should go back to europe and such.
It’s effectively a form of intrafamily abuse. People that do this generally are more ready to do it amongst their family than in public. If you actually call them out on it, they’ll act indignant and insulted, as if it is you that are the one at fault for making things awkward during Christmas. They’re betting that as long as no one in the family is a member of the vilified group, then it’s not a personal insult against anyone in the family. But if you call them out on it, suddenly you’re the one insulting a family member.
it is a form of familial abuse. They use their family as a captive audience, leveraging social awkwardness as way of airing despicable opinions they couldn’t share in polite company. if you call them out on it, they’ll say “I’m just joking” and portray you the bad guy for calling them racist.
The sad thing about the situation is that it’s actually less socially awkward to just let the racist comment pass, change the subject, and move on to something else. Calling them out could cause a huge fight that could ruin a whole evening. Saying nothing is the path of least resistance, and ultimately it’s rare that anyone of the targeted group is actually present. So calling them out isn’t going to directly help or defend anyone there.
It’s a form of abuse. They’re making everyone else either commit a social faux paus or sit quietly and let them get away with their racism. They’re abusing family and harnessing familial loyalty and kindness as a way of airing their despicable opinions unchallenged.
socially awkward is part of my core being so its no big threat for me for things to get like that. Sucks for the rest of the family but they can decide to not invite me or not invite them if they want to avoid it. Im good either way.
The best solution, in my opinion, is to mask your repulsion and emotions. Then think about your response long enough to form a question that corners the person within their own cognitive conflict of logic from the high ground of sound ethics. The second best is to walk away and show indifference to their behavior. The opposite of love is indifference, for to hate is still to care. The indignation of indifference can be a deflationary force of peer pressure too.
My family is the same. When prejudice arises I walk away without a word. Over time, it has steered them towards more balance.
I eventually bailed early without ruining Christmas, but I don’t see how that changes anything. At least my wife understands.
Because it is all about tribalism. If you fight them in words or otherwise, you only alienate yourself as the others tribe. They are essentially testing if you are in their (mental picture) tribe. They have a diluted sense of confidence that is built up and convinced them that their tribe is meaningful and valuable. If you fight them, you do nothing to stop them. It only bolsters the walls that they feel secure within. You cannot assault those walls unless you are willing to kill the person. You must tear apart their walls brick by brick, but you cannot access the walls, only they can. To dismantle the wall, you can point out its flaws or you can convince them that those walls have no value. Walking away is the latter. Using questions to force their acknowledgement of their logic failures is forcing them to remove a brick from their own wall. The hard part is getting them to play Jenga and causing the whole thing to crumble.
Our resident Qanoner has run the gamut from anti-vaccination and the benefits of salt to Disney’s human trafficking, and I bailed on the gay agenda portion at the end of the night. Live scared and alone, die scared and alone.
Edit: also just remembered she got banned from truth social and was mad about that. Bummer.
