Every day, all day, I have to lie to clients at work and tell them I’m good. I’m far from good and lying about it constantly is killing me.
I’m incredibly lonely and almost everything I usually enjoy feels like a goddamn chore.
Anyone else here feel like that? If so, how do y’all cope?
This is what I LOVE about German culture.
“How are you/Wie geht es dir” is a serious question. So you just ask that if you are genuinely ready for 2-3 minutes of information about the person’s situation.
I went to an English boarding school for half a year and once a teacher walked by and asked me “how are you”. Now I know she was just polite. But she looked so bewildered once I gave her an update on beeing so far from home for the first time and that the rooms are very very small etc. She was absolutely not ready for these 2-3 minutes, and I even think she was in a hurry.
Of course “I am suffering from serious depression and my life is in shambles” is also not a normal answer in Germany, but “puh, it’s been rough the past few weeks, but I guess better time will come” totally is. Then it’s the other person’s choice to dig deeper or just accept that answer.
Oh you need to befriend me. It’s an absolutely normal answer. As is “well at the rate it’s going humanity is doomed and shits getting worse rapidly, I’m coping”.
“How are you/Wie geht es dir” is a serious question. So you just ask that if you are genuinely ready for 2-3 minutes of information about the person’s situation
Truly the land of milk and honey colored beer
The people from northern Germany have very honest, but simple way to answer this question.
„Na? Wie is?“ (How is your life going right now?)
„Muss ja…“. (It is going on because it has to.)
In the Midwest we have a similar one:
Person 1: How’s it going?
Person 2: It’s going(! or … depending on the mood)
“Another day in paradise.” “We’re going alright.” “Looking forward to [Quitting time/the weekend/heading home]” “Nothing worth complaining about.”
“Living the dream…”
wat mut dat mut
Machste nix 🤷♂️
Tja…
I just stopped saying I’m fine. It’s actually pretty fun to make things awkward. My best situations are usually “been better” and I’m usually more like “pretty shitty, my guy”. People who didn’t mean to ask will just wish me well but the best are when people agree with you and you go on a rant about shitty people for a half hour.
I use “Getting by. We’re all just getting by.” I usually get a reply like, “Ain’t that the truth.” More real, and it invites an attitude of being in it together.
Arrive at work.
Coworker asks, “How are you?”
I respond, “Well, I’m here.”
Coworker nods knowingly.
“The horrors persist, but so do I.”
Your issue doesn’t seem to be the greeting itself. Please - talk with someone about your potential depression. Maybe someday you can say honestly “I’m OK.” and it’ll sit better.
"Struggle, endure, contend. For that alone is the sword of one who defies death. "
“Struggle is the bread of life. It is the element that distinguishes the living from the dead”
“No matter how deep the darkness, a light shines within those who fight.”
“In times of despair, remember this: the darkest nights produce the brightest stars. Endure, and you will find your path”
I grew up in a cult. I learned real quick that the only answer is “I’m fine thanks”. any negativity implied I was out of gods favor and that I was being punished for sinning. So seeking help only ever lead to inquisitorial shit.
You can say other things. Good. It’s been better. I’m alive. Just keep it short.
The horrors persist, but so do I.
Cthulu lives (runs away)
No one really wants an accurate answer. It’s just a greeting. Someone says ‘how are you?’ you say ‘grand’ then get on with your day. Same as when someone says ‘what’s happening?’ They don’t want a comprehensive list of your woes and such.
Edit: just found this - https://lemmy.world/post/25032324
Well obviously, but I know that I’m lying and it just reminds me of how I’m shitty like 90% of days.
Then say something different. Same shit different day, surviving for now, whatever. They’ll shrug it off and move on. We all do it. My mom used to say, “it’s a good day. I woke up on the right side of the dirt.”
Could you maybe skip the answer and go directly to asking „how are you?“ back?
Adding a “thanks” acknowledges them asking. “Thanks, how about you?” Doesn’t answer the question, but follows the social interaction formula of acknowledgment and throwing it back/mirroring.
It’s impossible to be 100% honest all the time if you want to live in the western culture. It would cause so many problems. You would be seen as someone strange, even though you are the normal one for expressing your honest emotions.
In a mad world, being sane is seen as being mad.
If it’s a greeting, then just greet me. “Hey!”, “Good morning”, etc. Don’t ask me a question you don’t want an answer to.
Have you considered ego death? Abandon concepts like being polite or not rocking the boat. Do something you think might be enjoyable because you can and laugh off others who don’t understand. Life is too short to be normal.
Life is a sandbox game and nowhere it says you need to play it like other people do. I look at the lives of the “average person” and I don’t want what they have so I also don’t see why I should do what they do and expect a different outcome. Ofcourse one doesn’t just choose to not care about what others think - it’s not that easy, but there are small steps you can take towards it that you can do every day.
For example: I like looking at things. Virtually every day I notice something and go: “what is that?” A normal person would maybe look at it while walking by without stopping but not me. I’m the guy others walk by wondering what the hell is he doing. Just yesterday there was this fascinating chain mail curtain that a store uses to close in the cashier window at night and I spent a solid 2 minutes there twiddling with it while the staff was wondering if I’m going to buy something or not. Nah, I’m just studying this thing here.
Then stop lying about it :
“Hey, how you doin’?”
" Everything’s bad, as usual, thanks"
Or
“Just as bad as yesterday, thanks, what about you?”
Or
“… next question?”
If it’s a client and can’t afford to be awkward, just say say
“Just another day”
And if people ask for more details but you don’t want to talk about it, just say :
“Just having a bad day”
Or
“Nothing good happened yet”
Or
“Nothing out of the ordinary”
Or just make up your honest but polite answers
If I’m having a crappy day especially at work my answer is "Another day another dollar, how about you? "
Getting fired speed run
I should’ve gotten fired long ago if that was true… nope, quite the opposite.
Depends on the job. If you tell random people you’re doing bad they usually look at you funny at the very least.
Yep OP should get out of their misery cycle by at least sharing a little of the misery they feel. Could be helpful.
I feel like it would be really interesting to see what would happen if everyone started doing this at once, but as it stands it’d just make things more complicated for yourself.
Well, I actually do this for real 😅
After the second or third time a coworker (or family member) asks me how I’m doing and gets the “just as bad as usual” response, they just laugh and move on 😂
You must be a hit at parties.
Not at all. I’ve done this for years and it’s not complicated in the least.
It helps to understand what is being communicated here. It’s not a genuine request for your health status, it’s a friendly greeting. The last thing anyone wants in response to “how are you” is a list of everything that’s wrong with you. If you struggle to cope with replying “fine” or equivalent, refuse to answer the question and respond instead with something like “hi/hello!”. The non-sequitur will jar them for a moment and hopefully they’ll learn not to ask dumb questions.
As this thread demonstrates, there are plenty of ways to say “I’m doing terrible, actually” without breaking the social contract. If I’m having an awful day, my go-to is “hangin’ in there, how are you?”
The last part is important. Some people don’t want to talk about how you’re doing (maybe they don’t have the emotional bandwidth at the moment, maybe they’re in a hurry, maybe they just don’t care) so give them an out, a clear signal of something else they can discuss without seeming rude. The easiest way is to return the question, but you can also just jump into the imminent topic of conversation, like:
“How are you?”
“Keeping on keeping on. Hey, just wanted to reach out about that thing on page 4, do you have a minute?”
Or if they started the conversation and you don’t know what it’s about, there’s always “Takin’ it one day at a time, eh? What can I do for you?”
The biggest “risk” of this approach is that someone may offer sympathy or ask you what happened, which is a whole new set of protocols. But for me it’s worth it to not have to lie.
I’ve been going with “surviving” for the last year or so. It’s about as good as I can confess to myself most days. I agree with you in that “good thanks”, you? Feels you close to lying for my morals on my bad days.
In Ireland it’s common to say “not too bad”
Here in Brazil (at least in my state) we usually say “Tudo bem?” which translates to “Is everything fine?” (in a casual way, not an emotional way) so it’s more of a yes-or-no question. If I’m doing well or neutral, I’ll just say “Tudo certo.” (All is well.), if I’m not, then I just say “Mais ou menos.” (More or less.) or “Não, e você?” (No, what about you?).
Honestly just saying I’m fine to someone I don’t know doesn’t bother me at all, although if it’s someone I know better I would rather be honest with them.
Personally, I’ve come to despise the “How’re you?” greeting — it feels like it normalizes impersonal interactions and encourages the behavior of masking one’s emotions. When someone asks “How are you?” I want that sentence to actually carry the emotional weight that it verbally masquerades. So, if someone says “How are you?”, I just respond with a generic greeting like “Hi”.
genuinely great answer. thanks.
genuinely great answer. […]
Thank you 😊
[…] thanks.
You’re welcome 😊
