I’m not sure if this is the right place to post this, but I’m not sure where else to turn.
I was just visiting my parents for Thanksgiving (I live about 2000 miles away from them), and we were reminiscing about the “good old days” before all the drama in my parents’ friend group. We got on the topic of one family who was shunned from the group when I was about 10. I didn’t understand what was happening besides Family X now hated Family Y, which meant I couldn’t see some of my friends at the same time anymore. Now that decades have passed, I asked why the families hated each other.
Well, Family X has a son who is non verbal autistic. Let’s call him ‘A’. A doesn’t speak a single word despite now being in his 30s. I should note though that despite not being able to speak words, he does communicate decently well with hand gestures, facial expressions, and grunts. He’s doesn’t know sign language or anything like that, so he can’t express complex thoughts, but he can express basic thoughts like being hungry, wanting to play videogames, or being attracted to someone (this is important later). Well, apparently about 20 years ago the mother of Family Y overheard that A (around 12 at this time) had sexually assaulted another child in the friend group. The mother of Family Y called CPS, starting a whole shitstorm for Family X. Ultimately nothing could be proven, but Family Y was shunned from the friend group. My parents stayed friends with both families for a while, but eventually slowly stopped hanging out with Family Y.
Hearing all of this unlocked a few memories of mine from when I was a kid.
- My parents asking if anyone ever touched me inappropriately. Luckily the answer was no.
- I overheard A’s older brother saying that he walked into a room and A was “having sex” with another boy in the friend group. I remember which boy they were talking about, and he was around the same age as A, but I have no clue any of the context outside of this. I don’t know if it was sexual assault (possibly even the sexual assault that was reported) or just two boys having sex at too young of an age. I can’t remember when this was, but I would guess they were both 12-14 at this time.
- When I was a little older, maybe 14, I was at another family’s house who had removed themselves from the friend group a few years earlier. I was talking to the daughter of that family alone. Let’s call her B. B was my age and my best friend from ages 4-8. Probably my earliest memory is riding tricycles with B in her backyard. Anyway. B told me that she always got creepy vibes from A. A would make hand gestures and whistling noises at B, making it clear that he liked her. The families made B go on a date with A, despite her protests. Eventually A tried forcing himself on B, and she fought him off. Immediately after this, B’s family moved an hour or so away, and she was happy to be away from him.
These are old memories, and I probably have a lot of details wrong. But there is enough information here for me to believe that A is a sexual assaulter with no doubt in my mind.
Fast forward to about 3 years ago. A’s older brother is married and has a child. The child, who was being potty trained at the time, said that Uncle A touched him inappropriately (I didn’t get the details of what exactly this meant). A’s mother said he was just helping the toddler go to the bathroom. But with A’s history, I just don’t believe that. The kid had help going to the bathroom hundreds of times and only spoke up this one time. Something was different this time. Toddlers don’t just make this kind of stuff up. A’s brother got a divorce over this, as the child’s mother took these accusations seriously, but A’s immediate family dismissed it. Now they are in the midst of an intense legal battle over custody. The mother doesn’t want her child near A, but that family currently has partial custody.
I don’t know if the child’s mother knows about these other times that A was accused of sexual assault. I would like to help in any way I can. Since everything I know is unreliable memories from non-direct experiences, I’m not sure it would be helpful for me to get directly involved. But I would like to potentially get the child’s mother in contact with B. Maybe B can testify against A in this custody battle. Unfortunately, I have completely lost contact with B. I don’t have her phone number or anything. Additionally, I don’t even know the child’s mother’s name. She married A’s brother long after I stopped being around that family regularly. I maybe met her twice at large social gatherings.
I just feel like I might be in the unique situation where I have heard many sides of this story over decades, and I might be the only person who put it all together. I want to help, but I don’t know how. I don’t want A to keep being able to sexually assault more people. I feel if I do nothing right now, any future sexual assaults A commits is partially on me.
What can I do?
Contact the local police department and tell them that you’ve been made aware of a possible child molestation incident and let them handle it from there.
As of now, the police are already involved. I’m just afraid it will be swept under the rug like it was 20 years ago. I was hoping I could do something to help their case against A.
Edit: Thinking about it more, if I can’t get in contact with B, this is probably the best I can do in my current situation.
Talk to your parents and everyone in your parents friend group to try to regain contact with A’s victims as well as anyone that witnessed any SA. Give those contacts and stories to the police and also give the contacts of others that often interact(ed) with A, since many of them may have never spoken up about it.
This is a really important situation and what you do now can prevent a life’s worth of trauma. At the same time don’t beat yourself up about it or feel guilty about it either, it’s your fault and sometimes nothing can be done, especially if many aren’t willing to cooperate with authorities.
I will definitely do that. My mom is very much on the side of A’s mom and wants to bury everything. But I think my dad will see reason if I explain what I explained here.
The other option is to ask for contact information without saying the real reason why. Or ask another friend. I’ll bet I can get it without raising any unnecessary flags. I’m not afraid of being shunned. I’ll do anything I have to. I’m afraid of people telling each other not to give me the contact info, making it that much harder to get it.
There is probably a lot more sexual assault going on in that family than what you know here. It is very likely that A himself was a victim of SA/rape and that is how he learned these behaviours. It may even be ongoing. It would explain why they are abusive to A but then cover for his SAs: they are protecting someone else.
This is not to be an apologist for his behaviour, but to highlight new avenues to approach stopping this.
A is non-verbal, so there is a high chance he has a social worker, or at least their case might be taken more seriously by social workers. You can call social services and tell them that you think A is being abused due to behaviours he is exhibiting.
They should be able to take it from there.
The fact that OP said there’s unlikely to be a social worker involved here circumstantially supports this possibility.
The tell for me was the age of the kid when these incidents started. A 12 year old non verbal autist does not do that stuff organically. It is a taught behaviour. It would be easy to convince such a kid that such behaviour is normal. Ridiculously easy. You just gotta tell them that’s what all the cool kids do.
This is so heartbreaking to think about. Before this weekend, I had so much respect for this family. They are the kind of people who go help the homeless every weekend. They let homeless people stay at their house for months to help get them back on their feet. They have done this for decades. I feel like my world has shattered knowing that it’s very likely that the worst of it hasn’t even been uncovered.
I hear you fam. It’s hard to reconcile the good, loving people we used to know as capable of doing monstrous things.
Just don’t blame yourself for not noticing if this turns out to be the case. I only have this perspective because I myself am autistic and have been around other autistic people of varying levels of severity, and later in life got to learn about how these sexual predator monsters operate. Someone like A makes the perfect victim for these monsters. Socially isolated. Non verbal. Easily manipulated.
Most people know fuck all about autism even today, never mind 20 years ago. It is the kind of field where if you were to Google about it, you’re more likely to find Facebook moms spouting bullshit theories than actual scientific fact. Even the likes of Autism Speaks is very much guilty of this. Now dial back the clock 20 years and you had even medical doctors spouting patent bullshit.
It wasn’t much better when it came to the behaviours of sexually abused children either. That shit just wasn’t in the public eye and as for professionals…it’s safe to say things have come a long way since the early 00’s.
So yeah, there is absolutely zero chance you could have figured out what was going on. By the sounds of it, even the adults around you didn’t, and I can’t even blame them for missing it either.
Sounds like everything you know is secondhand so you’re not necessarily a useful asset to the mother (hearsay), but if you can connect her or her lawyer with people that have actual firsthand knowledge of the the things you describe that could be of use.
That’s exactly what I’m thinking. I would like to talk to B first to see if she’s willing to help, since she had a firsthand experience, but I’m not sure how to reach out. If she isn’t willing to go public with this, I don’t want to be the one that makes that decision for her.
Does A have a social worker? If not then he should. this behaviour needs to be taken seriously
I’m not sure. That’s a good question. I would guess no. His parents have been negligent to the point of being abusive with him. Based on the stories my parents have told me, they refused to take him to see a doctor when he wasn’t talking as a baby. They did eventually bring him to a doctor, but years after they should have. They would usually pay other kids his age to work with him on learning exercises from workbooks. He never went to school. They didn’t try teaching him sign language until he was a teenager, and even then they didn’t stick with it or try very hard.
That is definitely neglect.
I used to teach disabled adults and we saw a lot of this sort of thing, the parents considered their disabled adult children like toddlers, we were residential so we got them in house and realised that this 23 year old had never even poured himself a glass of water, so we’d spend all first term teaching them to cook their own food, wash their own clothes, clean their own environment, do their own shopping, just all the things parents hadn’t.
Then they’d go home and the parents would do everything for them again because they loved it. No regard to this adult man feeling crappy cause his mom wouldn’t let him out of her sight.
One thing I always think about, which did happen sometimes, were those ‘kids’ who had come to us after their parents died. You have a 40 or 50 year old woman who’s never been away from her mother for one minute suddenly thrust alone into the world with zero skills. It’s cruel to do that to someone.
And of course, in these groups, physical and sexual assault did happen because they were impaired in some way in understanding and nobody had tried to teach them appropriate behaviour, so what chance do they have! It need education and management to keep everyone safe.
Adopt him. I know love, and that ain’t it.
Adopt who? The child? He has a loving mother who is fighting for him with everything she has. I don’t think removing him from her is the right choice.
I just now read this for the third time and only just now realized what angle you were going for with the child/A in terms of the victim. I withdraw, you’re being too hasty.
