PRINCETON, NJ—Shedding new light on the shadowy figures lurking around every corner, a study from researchers at Princeton University revealed Monday that the average American has at least three people plotting to kill them at all times. “Our research shows that nearly every man, woman, and child in the country is…

PRINCETON, NJ—Shedding new light on the shadowy figures lurking around every corner, a study from researchers at Princeton University revealed Monday that the average American has at least three people plotting to kill them at all times. “Our research shows that nearly every man, woman, and child in the country is currently being trailed by someone who means them harm,” said study coauthor Dr. Howard Friesch, who was pleased to announce that the findings confirmed the researchers’ long-held theory that no one is safe. “They could be a casual acquaintance, a jilted lover, or even a stranger, someone you’ve only ever made eye contact with once who has now decided you must be destroyed. They could be teaming up to take you down together, or all be competing to be the one to get to you first. There is one guy plotting to kill everyone, so that ups the average a bit.” At press time, Dr. Friesch suggested Americans live off the grid in the desert where they can see if someone is coming from miles away.

link: https://www.theonion.com/study-average-american-has-at-least-3-people-plotting-1851066563

  • sadbehrEnglish
    59•1 year ago

    There is one guy plotting to kill everyone, so that ups the average a bit.

    I love this bit.

    • The BartoEnglish
      14•1 year ago

      There’s gotta be way more than that, the Onion needs to up it’s research skills…

    • @[email protected]English
      7•1 year ago

      Omnicide Georg, who lives in cave & kills over 10,000 each day, is an outlier adn should not have been counted

  • idunnololzEnglish
    24•1 year ago

    Does this study account for people who are plotting to kill themselves?

    • @[email protected]English
      10•1 year ago

      And what about suicidal people with multiple personality disorder, are they counted more than once? We need answers goddamnit!

      • @ArcherEnglish
        2•1 year ago

        Yeah how does that even work, does each personality get a vCPU that lets them plot even when not in control or what

  • unalivejoyEnglish
    8•1 year ago

    Most people aren’t planning to kill you. It’s the 0.1% with several death threats each day that boosts the average.

    • @ArcherEnglish
      1•1 year ago

      Deaththreats Georg aka Taylor Swift

    • IninewCrowEnglish
      -1•1 year ago

      What about the mass of poor people that grow frustrated every day and start thinking more and more of wanting to kill the few rich.

      One poor person may have one or two people that want to kill them for some reason.

      A millionaire probably has hundreds of people lining up to take them out.

      A billionaire probably needs a team of people to deal with thousands of people that are constantly plotting against them.

  • 0xSim
    5•1 year ago

    I’d like to know the median instead of the average.

  • sour
    2•1 year ago

    what happens when am move outside of america