• @LwL
    20•11 months ago

    I’ve been wondering about definitions there for some time now. I do constantly wish i was a woman, and transitioning is something I’ve considered for quite a while but ultimately am not doing for two reasons

    1. i barely have my social anxiety under control enough to function normally (at least most of the time) and have some degree of social life, so the thought of transitioning before it is something accepted by >99% of society is horrifying.

    2. one of the primary aspects I dislike about being male is my appearance, but I also have at least found a style I’m mostly comfortable with and believe that with my current body state I’d just dislike how I look even more if I tried to present female, as it’d still be far from what I’d wanna look like.

    Which is to say, if being trans were to stop being a social and political problem and I lost weight I’d start transitioning in a heartbeat, and I sure relate to a lot of experiences I see transfems talk about, but I feel like calling myself “trans” in this state isn’t very fitting regardless since I feel like “trans” implies “not having decided not to transition”. But maybe I’m wrong and it’s more flexible than that.

    Sorry for randomly dumping all that under a meme but it’s been on my mind for a while and this felt like a reasonably appropriate place for it lol

    • @Korinne
      9•11 months ago

      Get outta my head lol. This is 100% my mental state too…

      • @LwL
        4•11 months ago

        Well then, do I have something for you that I saw mentioned in another post and has really helped answer this (funny how that happens just when I decide to actually talk about it, but it’s a state of mind of wanting to look into it i guess). https://genderdysphoria.fyi/en , aka “the gender dysphoria bible”.

        Now after reading that, the social anxiety aspect is the only thing stopping me anymore I think, though that has dictated most of my life for as long as I can remember, so I’m unlikely to get past it without societal change.

        To answer the main question of my post, considering yourself trans and just deciding not to transition is apparently just fine, because there are tons of reasons you might come to that decision.

        Though I think if I put a transflag on my social media profiles or something similar that would still least to confusion at least for cis people, they’d prob either assume I was AFAB or want them to use female pronouns to refer to me. But I’m guessing now the trans community at large wouldn’t have any issue with that either.

        • @[email protected]English
          1•22 days ago

          Thank you so much for posting that link. That really helped put a lot of my questions into perspective.

    • @[email protected]English
      8•11 months ago

      I don’t want to contradict your experience, because I have been in a very similar state of mind in the past and some time ago I would probably have written a similar comment. But I want to tell you about my own experience with social anxiety and being trans. There has been a somewhat strange development of my mental state which you may find informative.

      Since I decided to transition, my social anxiety has diminished. No, it’s not gone, but it is less powerful than before. I attribute this to a strange paradox: When presenting male, I was fixated on doing “man” right. I was under constant stress of being exposed as a “fake man” who wasn’t manly enough and I always - consciously and subconsciously - tried to be more male.

      I thought that this would also be the case when transitioning to female. That I would constantly have to worry about “doing female” right. But I don’t.

      I was convinced that presenting as this or that gender was a constant dance on a tightrope. But after a while I realised that it isn’t anymore, because I am just being myself. It’s one less thing my mind worries about. And a big one at that.

      As I said: My social anxiety is still there and I am only making baby steps towards presenting more female, because - yeah - I am also very worried about the social and political climate in the place I live in. And I certainly can’t say that your mind works similarly, but gender dysphoria warps one’s brain in very insidious ways and sometimes the outcome is a paradoxical state of mind.

      • @[email protected]
        4•11 months ago

        The “fake male” part, gosh, that resonates so hard with me. I felt like I would mimic other males and none of it ever made sense. Same with transitioning and feeling at least a bit more outgoing.

    • zeaEnglish
      4•11 months ago

      I always thought I was just an introvert and shy, but as I’ve been transitioning (still early) I’ve felt more confidence than I thought possible. I don’t expect to turn into an extrovert, but it’s an amazing improvement so far! You say you’d transition in a heartbeat if society was more accepting, but if that’s the case I recommend doing it anyway, or at maybe just dipping your toes in. Maybe you can try being a woman in private and a man in public, that way you don’t really risk anything while still being able to experiment.

  • First Majestic CometMEnglish
    8•11 months ago

    I would like to clarify that the key word here is constantly.

    If it happens on and off, such as wanting it one day but not on others that’s more in line with genderfluidity or genderflux, where it changes constantly. I want to bring this up because I know that lots of arguments about a person being transfem really tend to squash genderfluidity, typically out of ignorance but sometimes out of transmedicalist belief. Genderfluid people are real and valid, to the people who do it out of ignorance I hope this can be a learning experience to better understand genderfluidity, to people who are transmedicalists, fuck you, who do you think you are trying to decide whether people are valid or not, if anyone isn’t valid it’s you nvm too far.

    Another key thing is that they actually have to want it, I’m adding this because I have seen in r/egg_irl where they try and get people to say it without meaning it, which doesn’t make it so. The person has to really want it. Also extends to wanting to present feminine but not identifying as a woman, them wanting to act or present fem doesn’t make them a woman, only identifying as one does.

    TL;DR It’s not as easy or Binary as it seems, every situation is a little bit different and it’s important to remember that so one doesn’t invalidate people by mistake when trying to help.

    • @[email protected]
      2•11 months ago

      Thanks. I’ve been comfortable hanging out in transfem spaces but not egg ones because memes like this feel… pushy? to me. I’m comfortable as/with who I am and memes like this kinda make me feel like I have to defend what I’ve figured out/decided on. Idk, they are helping me work out some insecurity by practicing being unbothered by them though, so that’s a plus.

      • First Majestic CometMEnglish
        2•11 months ago

        Yeah that’s a big reason I’m not a fan of them, also they tend to create narratives towards Gender Nonconformity that aren’t super great.

        I think it’s important for people to find validation and discover themselves but it shouldn’t come at the cost of others (i.e. shouldn’t be overly pushy to those who are unwilling, shouldn’t go after people for being femboys/tomboys).